Sleep oh Sleep, how I wish you were easier to deal with!

[Maxmiliansmom]

Dear BW... I am seriously loosing it and have never been more confused  

When things are good, I donīt remember they were ever bad. But once they become bad I canīt see how theyīll ever be better again... and after 16 months (age of my son), i feel more confused about sleep than ever.

Iīm mostly confused about the issue of co sleeping when sick, teething etc. vs. indipendent sleep on a normal basis.
Isnīt this confusing for the child too? I mean, we just went through one week of fever and bad coughing for christmas, where i tried to let him fall asleep on his on in his crib and keep him there for most of the time, but of course with fever and such discomfort and constant interruption from coughing he was ending up in my bed.... After which I know we kind of have to start "all over again"
(Which honestly is draining me so bad, as there is always something with this kid, who is the worse teething ever and has 14 teeth out already) So i donīt know if I can take it anymore...

He is in daycare.
He naps only once.
He NEVER EVER (not once) has complained or taken long to selfsooth to sleep there. Usually he is out in 5min. And his nap time is at 12pm.
He sleeps there on the average 2-2.5 hours. Is this to long? Should I tell them to start waking him up?
His bed time is 7.30pm-8pm.
He is always selfsoothing and falling asleep in his own bed.
BUT during the night, heīll normally wake up 2-3 times, complaining sounds... not stay awake.  (sometimes more)
I am all alone with him, his dad is out of courntry for another 4 months and have been for the past 8 months...
No family or friends who are able to help.
And now he has started to take longer to fall asleep in the evening, like he is trying to selfsooth at the same time as he is trying to fight his sleep. Something he has never done in the past (fight his sleep)

The problems are:
- He does not replug his paci everytime, Iīve tried to teach him but have not been successful due to exhaustion, teething etc.
- He complains, does not cry unless I take to long to come to him. Seems like he needs comfot.
- He also is not direclty asking to sleep with me, as he is laying in his bed, usually with his eyes closed, and is not trying to get up or to get into my arms. He just needs me to comfort with my voice and a simple touch, placing my hand on him quickly.
- And the times when i have taken him into my bed, he would still continue to complain.
- He did this for 3 hours last night...I did not bring him into my bed. But After 2 hours at midnight i was hitting my head hard trying not to scream and to calm down again... It feels so hard at times!
- He also got pain meds last night, but they had no effect, so i no longer know if this is a case of teething (as it might seem) or a case of needing me.

I just donīt know what to do any more. If I start co sleeping, all the hard work will be a waiste, and i dont want to let go of that... as well as he is kicking in his sleep so i wont get more rest that way either.
But bringing him into my bed when he is sick makes sense but is this confusing and could be causing this?

I wish letting him cry out was an option for the first time in my life, but I donīt think i would have been able to go through with it either, i mean, i just feel like i want to walk away sometimes... this feeling is confusing too, as i have not felt this way before, so could this mean that his behavour is caused by my actions in some way?

Thanks my babywhisperer moms.. I really need your advices and comforting words as they always seems to calm me down and open my eyes a bit...


This too shall pass... I know, but right now it is to much bear alone.

XOXO

[Maxmiliansmom]

Anyone?

[anna*]

(((hugs)))

Honey, you know what, I know how hard this is but I can't help feeling like it's not going to get any easier unless you get tough. That means NO more cosleeping. (If he is that sick that you really need to be with him all night, make yourself a little bed up on his bedroom floor). Don't bring him into your bed ever, except for morning cuddles, not for sleep. You are right, at this age it is confusing, plus he has a long memory too.

The good news on teething is that there are only two more to go and then you should have a little break before his two year molars come through.

Leave him at night. I know he will wake you making his complaining noises, but leave him in there. Don't go in unless he is really, seriously crying. Then when you do go in, just say 'It's sleep time now, put your dummy in.' Then go out again and wait for a moment (half a minute or less) to listen and see what happens. Keep going with WIWO until he sleeps. Don't try and teach him to replug any more - he knows how to do it - he can figure it out for himself at this point, all he needs to know is that you are there. If he is lying down with his eyes closed, he DEFINITELY doesn't need you to go in to him.

I KNOW this means no sleep for you. I KNOW you are exhausted. But if you can get him self-settling at night, you will be getting good solid sleep every single night. Honestly, this is worth persuing. My little one even when he has been very ill ie with chicken pox would still be sleeping independently except perhaps for one night at the very worst of his illness. Put in earplugs. If he is crying hard, you will hear him, but it may block out the whining, complaining, soft crying noises.

[Maxmiliansmom]

Dearest Anna,

You are so right about me having to get tough.
I just donīt know how to on my own. I really wish i had someone to toughen me up.  
He never really serously CRY! But he often really seriously SCREAM - is there a difference?
Cause I canīt take the screaming.. I think I am so drained at this point that I no longer can see it from a bigger picture..

He is seems to get more upset from my voice, when i only reasure with voice without a touch, how do I do the WI/WO exactly for this?
-WO  and wait for how long of his scream/cry before going back in?
-WI   what to do exactly and for how long?

I donīt mind repeating this for however it takes, I just am not quite sure exactly how to do it?

Is there a secret of how to make your child love to sleep? Haha...

Anna, thanks, you are a good friend.

XOX

[anna*]

For the purposes I would count crying and screaming the same thing. If youre listening, ask yourself 'does he hsound like he really needs me? Is he upset? Or is he yelling/shouting? Is he getting louder/more upset? Is he stop-starting?" You only go in if he sounds upset and he's getting louder and more upset.

To do WIWO, you first (most important step) listen to his crying and make a judgement as to whether he needs your help. Only when you're sure he does, you go in, lie him back down (don't say anything if that makes him more cross), give him a very quick pat on the back (just a second or two), then walk out the room. Don't go straight back in immediately, listen to him again. Listen and see what is happening with his crying. If he's upset, go back in once youre sure he needs you. If he's stop-start crying, he's trying to settle himself and you should stay out. Repeat repeat repeat.

So in total you're only in his room for less than 30 seconds - just long enough to walk in, lie him down, walk out again. You might be outside his room for 20 seconds or 5 minutes, depending on how he sounds.

[Maxmiliansmom]

Ok Anna, thank you.
I have not followed these rules of making a good judgment on his "cry" Screaming.
Iīve gone to him way to soon, almost everytime.
I try to wait, I really do, but so many times he has both his paci in and is laying down when i get there, which i assume is to soon... so i just tuck him in quickly and walk out again... then wait.
But I now understand that his mantra cry has changed? LOL
I mean it used to be so different before and i donīt hear that, so maybe lots of the complaining is a new manta crying...

And is he upset or does the upset mean that he calms down once i get to him?
Or am i just disturbing his own way of selfsoothing with making sounds?

Honestly, Anna, this is the hardest job ever... I have friends who co sleep and it seems they are more rested than me. It feels so unfair that it takes soooo much work constantly and still seems to be an never ending process... sigh!

Thanks again luv! XOXOX

[anna*]

If you go to him and he's lying down with his eyes closed - can you not just turn around and walk straight back out again and leave him to it? You can go back if his cry changes?

Complaining is definitely a mantra. It DOES change as they get older, and then you'll start to hear words in it too - you need to always listen out for a realy upset/distressed cry. Complaining, moaning, whining - all of that can be left alone.

It is so hard. Of course you should cosleep if you feel like that is going to be better for your family - but of course you need to remember that these decisions have to be taken seriously - if you start to cosleep now you will need to be prepared to carry on until HE chooses to sleep in his own bed.

[Maxmiliansmom]

It is so dark in the room I donīt see he is laying down with his eyes closed before I almost touch him, and when i get that far he starts getting louder if i donīt touch him as iīve always done it.
Itīs midnight. Thank the universe i fell asleep at 9ish, but even with that at 11.30pm when he first woke up now i felt like walking away and leaving him to CO. I never do that and wonīt do, but i feel like giving up.
So now i am out here waiting for him to fall asleep on his own as usual... WI/WO.
Itīs already quiet and iīm afraid of falling asleep again as it is sooo hard to get disturbed again after little sleep...
But I am understanding now what is the new mantra... and i hear a bit again now.
Not walking in.

Cosleeping was never an option in the past so i will only regret it if i do it in the future. It just seems unfair that teaching independent sleep after a year and 3 months seem so hard and i seem to be failing at it all along...
i thought i was doing so good, but i am not tough enough and that is draining me. And i canīt even take a break and have someone help me out. After a few nights of sleep im sure all of this would seem much easier..

Ok now im just rumbling.... thanks again. Good night.xo

[anna*]

(((((hugs)))))

How about a little dim nightlight in his room, so you can see him, and maybe he will get some reassurance from it?

The cry you are listening for is hard, and it gets louder and louder, and he sounds really upset. It doesn't stop and start. If you're not sure, wait another couple of minutes - he is not a tiny baby with no knowledge of the world and if you leave him crying for a few minutes no harm is going to come to him, he knows that mummy always comes for him.

((((hugs)))) I wish there was more I could do to help. You don't have any family who could help you out for a few days? You're not failing. You're doing so, so well. I can't imagine how you have been coping by yourself for so long, I fall apart when my husband goes away for a week! You are so responsive to your little boy - I want you to get a little bit tough now so that you can take care of YOURSELF too. Maximillian needs his mummy to be happy and healthy. That is the thing he needs most of all. He needs his mummy to get some rest.

[Maxmiliansmom]

Oh I cry as i read this... My family suck. They live 5 hours away and we have huge family issues so no, they donīt care to help. And friends, well i can get one night here and there, but i donīt ask often. Iīve had only 4 nights this fall (since he was born) where he slept somewhere else. It helps there and then, but as you can imagine, even without him i keep waking up in the night:-/ Iīm total mess when it comes to sleep, so healthy and happy seems like some made up fairy tale...
Thanks for the nice advice, I donīt take your advice as something negative. It is the only thing that has helped me open my eyes and helped me understand that things will get better if I only push myself a bit more to reach the goal of the indipendent sleep. I know that I am not doing bad, but thatīs my brain. My body canīt seem to be taking this well at all... if you know what i mean. And thatīs where the feelings of failing get in.
Blah!
I need his dad to be here, but life is what life is.
At least, I m not going to work, due to disturbed sleep and exhaustion i get some hours in the day to rest. But as you can guess i still canīt get the sleep in there.. if i do sleep in the day i certainly wonīt in the night... and thatīs the worse.

He is asleep now. So I should go back too.
Thanks so much anna... really, your always the one who tries to help me here. And even tho iīve not always been able to follow with your advice, it still somehow helps me.

Iīll get the dimmed light you are talking about, and i will not bring him to my bed next time he is teething or sick that is for sure. I am already more aware of the sounds he makes and staying more out than i was before...
I just need to start letting him find his own paci
(Somehow this one is the hardest one for me :-/, always have been)
and I need to keep telling myself what you write, that he is not a baby anymore and a few minutes or even seconds longer of him complaining makes no harm if that is gonna help me make the right decision on weather to go in or not.

XOX

[elf]

I have only just skimmed this so hope I don't repeat,  but given that he has a dummy you really need to make him in control of it.  So no more plugging it in for him.  When you put him in the cot before his sleep I would have his dummys in the cot next to him and say, 'Get your dummy'. Make him do it, then say 'night night'.  I would then try and work hard on repeating that phrase if you need to go into him, 'get your dummy' - do not do this for him, maybe guide his hand in the beginning but work on teaching him this skill.  Would a little night light help him be able to see his dummies?  My son sleeps all night but I worked on teaching him to get his own dummy when he was around 8 months and when he wakes in the night, even if sick, I hear him have cry for a tiny bit as he fumbles around the cot looking for his lovey and dummy, then he re-plugs.  Even play a game during the day where you put all the dummies out so he practices getting it.  Maybe even set up a couple of teddy bears to role play this for him so he can see how he needs to go to sleep and when he wakes how he can put himself back to sleep.  Be very clear with your communication

[anna*]

More hugs honey. I wish there was more I could do.

When you're looking for a nightlight, see if you can get a blue/green toned one rather than yellow/orange - it is more restful to sleep. Maybe a nightlight would help him to find his pacis too.

I feel badly that I have not been able to help more - perhaps someone else would have a different kind of advice or be able to phrase it better. Elf has given great advice for some details on the paci. I would say that from now on you NEVER put it in his mouth. Never. At absolute most you would put it in his hand.

[sherry lynn]

Also on the dummy idea. Put like 10 dummies in the crib. OR...
Take one of those dummy strings they sale in the store. You know what I'm talking about, the one that clips to their clothes. I cut off the clip part and used a diaper pin and pined it on to DS sleep sack. After about 9 months the dummy was no longer an issue in the middle of the night.

I agree, don't put it in for him. That just gives him more reason to believe that he needs you in the middle of the night

*huge hugs* I hope it gets better for you.

[Maxmiliansmom]

Thanks everyone... Bad news is that out of all the things that i have been successful at paci is just not one of them and i have now reached the ultimate exhaustion where in the middle of the night i replug it for him without much thought.... still. Itīs like iīm afraid that he īll wake up and stay awake or something... itīs like I canīt deal with no sleep for the two weeks or however long it will take me to not sleep and deal with this in order for it to start to work. Even tho I promise my self each night when i go to sleep that i will not replug tonight!!!

I feel terrible about this and I am my own worse enemy right now:-(

Anna, I donīt think the light is a problem, it is like he is not even looking for his paci, I always replug it for him.
Elf, he replugs himself in the daytime, I never do it for him. itīs only in the night... i do it as it is something i got used to when he was a baby. (I wish I never started using it, as I never knew how much power I would allow the paci to have over me) So itīs more Iīm so used to replugging I do it automaticlly not being able to think it through in the night when Iīm half way in my sleep... :-/
I donīt know what to do.
When I have been present enough and tried to teach him he has got so mad and started crying that he then refuses the paci at all and just cries and cries...
I truly canīt belive I have a selfsoothing kid at bedtime, but not in the night...
Sometimes I hate all the rules and the mother nature for making this so hard on me (us)

I just donīt know how to deal with any of this even tho your advice makes perfect sense and iīm sure is not the hardest thing to do, I just donīt have the energy to deal with it... with any of it. I just need to sleep.

Iīm sorry for dumping all this energy on you guys. You have been wonderful. XOXO

[anna*]

You know, it might be only 2 or 3 days it takes him to learn to replug himself. I REALLY don't think it would be two weeks. (((((hugs)))))