I've taught her to nurse to sleep

[Vienna]

Hi, I'm new to posting, have read the forums for a long time and am desperate for assistance. My issue is that I've taught my now 13 month old daughter to fall asleep by nursing. She has just transitioned to one nap in the past month. She was previously falling asleep for her morning nap without nursing but if I missed the window, she'd wail when laid down, I'd do PI/PD but ultimately she was OT and would cry herself to sleep which I hated. If I caught her at the right time, she'd let me walk and sing with her a few minutes and she would be fine once in her bed. So, when transitioning to one nap, I thought I'd nurse her as she would be awake longer in the morning and surely OT to fall asleep on her own. Worked great getting her to sleep, of course and would sometimes really only take latching on 'til she would be asleep. The bedtime routine is jammies, reading, then she looks at me, hands me her blanket and we head to her room where I nurse her and she drifts off.

And now I'm turning her world upside down in an effort to get her to self sooth. We tried yesterday to wind down with reading, she laid her head on my shoulder, so I just laid her in her crib. She immediately started to scream, stand up and after 7 minutes of wailing, fell asleep. Today, I missed the window, she didn't want to read, I tried to sing and walk but she just pointed to the nursing chair, so I laid her down in her crib and she dissolved into hard crying, finally standing up, chewing on her blanket. After about 10 min, I went in to lay her down and let her know I hadn't abandoned her but the crying started all over once laid down. I picked her up to try to calm her but cried and pointed to our nursing chair. I tried to just sit with her in the chair without feeding but she knows what the next step is. At that point, she'd been awake for 6 hrs, so I knew today was futile, so latched her on and within 30sec, out. She's never taken a soother or bottle, I need help for what I can do to help her settle without the breast and fall asleep without CIO.

Thank you for any assistance.

[~inbalance~]

Hi there

Has your LO ever slept independently previously, or have you always nursed her to sleep?  Here is a link that will help you decide which approach to take:
http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

If she is getting really upset then I suspect you will have to take more of a gradual withdrawl sort of approach where you start cutting back on the nursing until you are just staying with her to fall asleep, and then gradually lessening the amount of time you spend in her room while she falls asleep.

Also if you'd like to post your routine we can have a look at that too. 

[Vienna]

Thanks for getting back to me. She would fall asleep on her own for her am nap when she used to have two but it wasn't fun and that's what I've been fearing and needing to tweak. She does get herself back to sleep through the night also. I read the two options and realized that my notion of walking and singing before sleep would also be a no-no. I see now that it has to be prop-free. I started the winddown a good 45 min earlier today for her nap, I read bcu's post about basically the same topic and adopted their ritual of putting some stuffies to bed. Then we put on her sleep sack, got blankie, talked about how tired she must be and how it was time for a nap, read one book and then she was turning in to me, signalling she was ready to be done. I chatted more about sleeping as we walked to her room, said goodnight and she started to arch and cry as I was putting her into her crib. I tried to just sit beside her crib but she holds out her arms and wants to be picked up. As she was standing, I laid her back down and that set her off again. So, I walked out of the room and she cried hard for a few minutes and then got standing up where she is currently, blanket in mouth, looking around and giving sobs on/off. She's not wailing, is rubbing her eyes, so I just need her to get back down on her own and then I think we'll be ok. When I go in, it just gets her going again am I wrong to think this is how she'll settle best?

Here's our day:
7:15-7:30 awake, bf
8:30 breakfast
A
11:15 lunch, quiet play, winddown
12:30-2:30 nap, sometimes only 1 hr
3 snack
A
5:30 dinner
A
6:30 bath, jammies, read
7:15 bf, sleep

[Chicane]

marking my spot here to come back later with some thoughts. We have battled this particular demon several times now...will be back, in the meantime big huge hugs

x

[~inbalance~]

When I go in, it just gets her going again am I wrong to think this is how she'll settle best?

Not necessarily, some LO's do do better with less intervention, but you want to make sure she always knows you will be back if she needs you and not break that trust, which is why BW philosophy does not support any time of cry it out or controlled crying (not saying this is what you are doing, just letting you know .  So if you are going to take that approach then you are looking at more of a walk in walk out sort of deal.  I think this is ok if she has the skills to put herself to sleep already and you are just trying to teach her that she has to go to sleep without feeding.

Walking and singing can be a prop, but it doesn't always have to be wrong.  For example I walk and sing to my 12mo before sleep times and it's a nice ritual for us, with no issues.  The problem comes from when LO's become dependent on something like walking or rocking to fall asleep.  If you want to incorporate this into your wind down though to help soothe and calm her, I don't see anything wrong with it.  

So, if you would like to do WIWO, then this is what I suggest.  You would do your wind down and put her in her crib as usual.  Say your sleep phrase, something like "night night time to sleep", and walk out.  Pause, and listen to her cries.  This is where you need to know what she sounds like when she really really needs you, because she will cry and sometimes it may seem out of control, but there is a difference.  If she is not settling right away you return, you want to try and calm her but with minimal interaction, and only use your sleep phrase.  And then walk out again and wait again, repeating this for as long as it takes for her to settle herself and go to sleep.  With WIWO you are trying not to pick up, cuddle, ssh, pat, or anything like that, there is very minimal interaction but you are still always present when needed.

In the beginning, these sorts of approaches take time, and there is crying.  Toddlers do not like change!  BUT, once you are committed you have to see it through.  The difference between this method though and controlled crying is that you are always returning when she needs you and she is never left to cry.

What do you think?  The most important thing right now is deciding how to approach it, and then following through.  You can't change the plan once you have started because it will be confusing, and you can't give in and feed once you've decided not to.  But I do promise you that you will see results if you stick to it. 

Oh, one final note though, if your LO is teething and in pain, you will probably have to reassess your plan a little bit.  So while you still want to break the feed to sleep habit, you will have to keep in mind that she is in discomfort and will probably need a gentler way of being put to sleep while she is teething.  I only mention it because I know teething is a common sleep disruption at this age. 

HTH 

[Vienna]

Well, I eat my words that she'd settle. After half an hour of standing in bed, she started to cry, it escalated and I know it was probably already too long to have waited but until then she had been fairly quiet. I went in to lay her back down and realized she'd had a BM...ugggh. I had to change her infront of the tv as laying her down on the changepad might as well have been her crib. She laid there quietly for about 10min, I could see her starting to want to play, so we cuddled and talked quietly. I'm glad you mention that about the walking/singing, I did that. We then moved into her room where she motioned for the chair we nurse in. I sat in it to see if she'd calm with cuddling there but no go. She never truly settled, so I waited to mostly calm and laid her down but she doesn't even touch the mattress and was arching and screaming. I left the room, she stood and cried, laid her down, left. We repeated the process. It was now 1:10pm, I first put her down at 11:50AM. Picked her up, played our music box while I walked and sang, she did the breathing hiccups trying to settle. Laid her down, it started over. I really wanted to just sit in the chair and feed her but knew this painful hour would be in vain and just teach her to hold out for the goods. I held her tight to me and walked and sang for only a few minutes and could feel her settle, which she actually did quite quickly and then I was thinking, 'Great, now I've just walked her to sleep.' At that point I didn't care though, she was asleep.

For tomorrow, I'm going to winddown with reading but then walk and sing a bit before the crib, it has been more successful than just straight to bed in the past.

I know I got us here and have to endure some sad, sad moments, I feel really aweful that I've done this to her.

Thanks for your input. I hold onto your words that it will work!

[~inbalance~]

'Great, now I've just walked her to sleep.' At that point I didn't care though, she was asleep.

That's ok!  It's a step in the right direction.  It's good that you held out, she will learn that you won't give in.

I think that experience was an exception though because the BM threw everything off. 

I did go through a phase with my 12mo where he expected to be nursed when he woke at night.  It's not quite the same as the rest of the time he went down fine, but for NWings he wanted to be nursed.  I have had to tackle this issue on several occasions, and each time it didn't take him long to realize I meant business and we saw improvement within days.  Of course something always happens and we're still stuck with one night feeding.    But I do know it can be done.  It's just hard because LO's are stubborn!

I do think you have the right idea though.