21 month old sleeping in our bed! How to move him into this cot!

[fareefiz]

Hi all,

The last time i posted was a long long time ago and all the helpful advice given was so good.

Mt son is 21 months old and sleeps with my in OUR bed on my arm.  He cannot sleep by himself.  Through my own fault, i started bringing him to our bed from his cot so i could catch up on my sleep and now i have learnt my lesson!

How can get him to sleep back into his own cot?  He used to sleep in his cot (not throughout the night) but then he also used to wake up in the middle of the night and i used to bring him into our bed!

He only has one nap during the day which is from 2-3.30pm and his usual bedtime is around 8.30.  He has around 8oz of milk before his bedtime!

Thank you for reading and i hope to receive your advice soon!

[Katet]

First thing is you have to be prepared for the fact he will get upset because you are changing to something new & it is something he isn't used to.

Really there are mulitple ways you could do it from the harsh, just put him in his cot & let him cry & eventually accept he just has to cope (I couldn't do that & I don't think it is fair on the child, but people do it)  to pretty much setting yourself up on the floor in his room, putting him in the cot & eventually moving yourself out of his room over days/weeks... then everything else inbetween. To me the camping out in his room for a few days would probably be what I'd do. So here is what I'd do if it was my situation.

Talk about how today at nap time he will sleep in his cot, roll play a bear going to sleep in his cot & talk about how the bear is a bit scared because he isn't used to being on his own. Then at nap time (probably about 1/2 hour earlier) take him to his room do a 10-15mins wind down with stories & then put him to bed. Be there rubbing his back & comforting & essentially help him get to sleep, but with him always in the cot (just PD if stands up). Do that for every sleep from then on, if he is likely to wake lots, then camp out next to his bed. After about 3-5 days when he seems to have settled & the fighting is less, try to make your involvement less, be there, but don't touch that much. Make sure you bring naps & bedtime to an earlier time as the change will mean he takes longer to get to sleep & so he won't be as overtired with an earlier start.
For yourself mentally think of it as possibly a 3 week investment in time to get the change.

[fareefiz]

Thank you so much for your kind advice Katet.

We have a small house and do not have an extra room for my son so have the cot in our room. The other room is for my husband who sleeps there as he he works long hours and needs his time!

How will it work with that? Plus the cot is next to the window to which he sometimes used to stand and look out into the garden.

I am not the kind who would let him cry BUT i did the PU/PD method and he was crying all the time (few months ago) and eventually out of guilt of making him cry so much, bought him to our bed!

[~inbalance~]

Hi there!

BW does not advocate leaving LO's to cry on their own.  However, like pp mentioned when you are trying to break a habit, especially one that has been going on a long time, you can expect him to be very upset and cry a lot.  The important part is that you are returning quickly or remaining with him to maintain his trust.

At this age we do not recommend PUPD since LOs are older and it is not appropriate to be picking them up so much.  There are two methods that we suggest when sleep training toddlers, outlined here:  http://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=80750.0

For this type of situation I would suggest the gradual withdrawl approach.  Pp's suggestion is one way to go about it, and you can expect that it will take a little bit of time, but if you have a plan and are consistent then you should see positive results. 

[Katet]

I am not the kind who would let him cry BUT i did the PU/PD method and he was crying all the time (few months ago) and eventually out of guilt of making him cry so much, bought him to our bed!

He will cry lots because you have changed the rules, but the thing about PU/PD or other BW methods is that you aren't leaving them to cry on their own, you are supporting them through their frustration. They cry firstly because they are confused as to why things have changed, then they get angry because they want it the way they are used to, then they cry as a way to deal with the frustration that they aren't sure what is happening. All normal responses, but the key is to realise that if you give in your inability to cope with the crying then you cause even  more confustion/anger/frustration.

How you use the environment you have is up to you, he may settle well with looking out the window, (My Ds1 did for naps) or it may be something that disctracts him & he gets overtired... there are many variables. If you are in the same room as him he may well respond well to verbal support so you could lie in your bed & as he crys just say "Mummy is here, time for sleep" over & over & over, or sing a calming song, but the key is 1) if you decide that you want him out of your bed, then you MUST follow through & not give in 2) realise that crying is just him learning to adjust, it may go on for an hour or even 2, but it will improve over a few days & the crying isn't you doing something wrong, it is just him learning to cope with change & if you are there either doing walkin/walkout or gradual withdrawral you are still there for him & you shouldn't feel guilty... if you just left him to cry, well that I think is mean & is something to feel guilty about (& as the PP definitely not advocated on BW)

As an aside, think of helping him learn to sleep as a test of your staying power as practice for getting a child to do homework, because I can tell you give me sleep training anyday at the moment... had our share of tears this week

[FlisD]

I was interested to read people's responses (hi all!) because my boy who is 2 on Saturday is similar.  I was almost tearing my hair out a few months ago because he wouldn't sleep in his cot (he would go to sleep there but wake up after a couple of hours and we would either spend hours getting him back to sleep or bring him to bed where he slept soundly).

Over the last couple of months he has started to sleep longer and longer in his cot and we now have a policy of not forcing him to stay there.  We encourage him to go to sleep there and over time I think it's working.

WI probably should do PUPD as Martina has suggested...

I'd love to hear what you decide to do and how it goes!

[fareefiz]

Thank you so kindly for your advice and sorry for the delay in responding! Very busy as ive got a cake business!

FlisD - I would love to hear how you started the whole thing - good to hear you managed to to do it!  I know it requires a lot of patience and consistency!  I will start next week once ive finished with work!

Looking forward to hear from you!

[FlisD]

Firstly, cake - yum! I think I'm going to have to nip out from work to get a slice now!

We started with a consistent bedtime routine where we talked about what was going to happen including that after brushing his teeth it would be bed time.  We became quite over the top about the routine.  We would leave people's houses early, or end phone calls, etc if we had to so we could make sure the routine wasn't late or interrupted.

Much of the routine involved time spent cuddling - stories, bath together, bottle/BF, etc.  I think this helped.

When it was bed time I would take him into his room telling him it was time to go to sleep. I still cuddle/rock him while singing softly, then I put him in bed almost asleep (I can now put him in bed relatively awake).  For the first month I would hold my hand on him and sometimes stroke his forehead until he fell asleep, then sneak out.   The next stage was walking out and coming back when he called out.  I'd go through the routine again (cuddle, singing), etc.  Over time I have needed to do this less and less.

During the night I would go to him if he called out.  I would try to do the routine but mostly he would fall asleep on me and I'd then sneak out.  Often however, he was too distressed and I would bring him into bed with us.  I gave up trying and did this most nights for ages - I needed some sleep!

At the time it felt like it would never end.  Over a few months he started sleeping in his cot longer and longer.  The first wake up came at 10pm, then moved to midnight then 3am.  Most nights he now sleeps through till at least 5am (then comes into bed for another hour and a half). Sometimes he now sleeps right through. 

When he's sick he does wake up more often and we bring him into bed.  He quickly goes back to where he was before then.

All of this is what worked for me personally.  I know some would disagree with how I've done things.  I always think as long as you are happy then it's ok.  I very much doubt your son will still want to sleep in your bed with you long term!

Oh - make sure you have a nap routine too.

Hope it goes well :-)

[~inbalance~]

All of this is what worked for me personally.  I know some would disagree with how I've done things.  I always think as long as you are happy then it's ok.  I very much doubt your son will still want to sleep in your bed with you long term!

Very much agree with this here.  It's ok to use a slow approach like this, if it is what suits you and you are aware that by letting him still stay with you even only sometimes the process will take longer.  It is what gradual withdrawl is about, making small changes a bit at at time.  Glad it has been working here. 

[fareefiz]

Hello all,

Thought i would update you guys.  My son was put in his cot after his bath.  He was given milk and then i tried to put him to sleep.  He started screaming a lot and suddenly vomited all his milk out.  I think everything he had had, came out.  I got worried and started feeling guilty.  Cleaned him up and put him to sleep in our bed AGAIN!
Forgot about that incident and left it for a couple of days.

Last night, I thought I would sleep in his cot with him.  Laid there for 10mins until he was nearly asleep (yes, thank goodness the cot didnt break) and left (or shall is say i jumped out)

He slept fine.  Had a feed at 2.30am (he doesnt eat well during the day so still having his night feed) and woke up at 7am.  From what i can see, i think its a major improvement on his side that he stayed in his cot till the morning as opposed to wanting to come to our bed at 2am.

How does this sound to you guy?

[Katet]

I think that if it feels like moving forward to you, then it is. I'm a great believer that we all have our own ability to make change & how we make it & some of us need to make our goals differently to others.
Where you are now is good, think about the next step & move from there.  I think give him a few days with you next to him & then try to comfort from outside the cot.

[FlisD]

That's great news!