From AP to Independent sleep but is there any middle ground?

[aidenmc]

Okay, so I never thought I would post something like this. DS is 14mo. For the first 13 months of his life he was AP'd to sleep. Reflux, gas, etc, made sleeping a big problem and we basically had over a year of 5-20 NWs. He never slept through the night. Not once.
Tried sleep training at 10mo but we have some soother issues then illness and then he was nursed to sleep then back to sleep for most NWs.

By mid August we knew we'd have to do something as I was heading back to work and the last thing I wanted was for him to have to go to sleep on his own at daycare when he had no idea how to do it. Oh, and I thought it might be nice to not have to wake up every 1-3 hours every night  .

Anyway, DH took over and did GW starting by lying on the floor by the crib. I still nursed but in another room before wind down. No more nursing during the night. By day 5 or 6 he was sttn!!!!!!!!!!!! So really we should be happy. And it was much easier than I thought (even when he cries before sleep, which I still need to put earphones on to cope with.

We have had some NW for sure, due to teething etc. Generally he self settles and we do wait as long as possible before going in. Then it's dh who goes in and he just lies on the floor, maybe saying a couple of things. I will put him down for sleep but stay out of the room afterwards.

But here is the thing. I feel like we can't ever try to actually soothe him if he needs it. Generally he does it himself, but other times, when dh goes in, for example (he has a couple of times at 5am), dh just cries really hard and may fall back to sleep.

He has a cold right now. He slept through till 5am then woke suddenly and cried pretty hard. I heard a little bang and wondered whether he had knocked his head on the side of the crib or something. I asked dh to go in but he just said he doesn't do anything when he goes in but lie down and that ds just cries harder ( I guess because he's not being taken out). In the end ds settled down a bit but never went back to sleep. But I feel like we've gone from one extreme to another. We used to go in at the slightest peep, knowing that it would end up with lots of tears and go on and on if we didn't. Now when I put him down for a nap and he seems extra upset I just lie outside his room and talk to him. I think part of me would like to be able to go in and offer a bit more comfort (especially if he is ill), but I feel it's such a slippery slope and that he would see me and think I will get him up and then the fight would be on. I know that one night he will be really sick and there will be no choice but to pick him up etc., but I guess I've just become so gun shy. We've never left him to cry for really long on his own (no more than a few minutes at night of real crying), so I don't think we've been cruel or anything I just feel like I need to know it will be safe to respond when we need to and that we won't be back to square one again.



But here is the thing. Although both 

[Tweakster]

Hi Becky...I'm here but I think there's an unfinished thought in the post?

This is something DH and I always struggle with.  F has been an independent sleeper since about 6 mths of age...but there are still times we AP when nothing else has worked.  And he does fall off the wagon quite often.  Illness and teeth set us back last year.  And then this year we've had some bad OT from nap dropping.  There's been quite a few tears over the past few months in relation to going to bed.

It's not cruel to wait and assess the cries.  If he's settling himself, let him go for it.  It's the only way they learn.  If you know that it's a cry that is distress, pain, discomfort or fear then I would say to go in and say your key phrase and then leave again.  What temperament is he?  Sometimes with Spirited it's better to just stay outside the door.

[aidenmc]

You're right Wendy. I think there is an unfinished thought in there somewhere. Think I was pretty tired when I wrote it. Ironically that night ds kept waking in the early part of the night and even though dh went in to resettle he kept waking every 20 minutes. Ended up actually going in and BFing him  , felt very nervous about it except that he's hardly eaten any dinner. Anyway, he slept through the rest of the night and didn't wake again for boob. So scared of slipping back into any form of AP. Turns out he soon came down with a cold so that may have been part of it.

Anyway, I guess what I was saying was that because he self settles and the most we usually ever do is dh goes in and lies on the floor or tells him it's ok and go to sleep, that if he were to really cry hard or for a long time, I would fear we couldn't do much more to help settle him iykwim. Like a quick pat or rub on his back. Which of course I wouldn't want to get into the habit of doing (we had to pat ds2's bum for months and months before we could wean that). Anyway, I think that after that one night of giving the boob then not going back to it subsequently I know we could very occasionally help him more if he's really ill or unsettled.

Anyway, sleep's gone a little awol and we are in some OT so I am off to post again.

But thanks for responding Wendy. Your approach is what seems to be working for us.