Staying at the table and other food related issues

[Tweakster]

Finn is generally a very good eater.  He had a picky phase but that self-corrected.  Now he's back in an eating like a bird picky phase.  He's eating 'good' at daycare because it's all carb-y food.  So I tend to steer from carbs at home because he gets enough with her.  I aim for protein and veg and usually fruit as dessert/snack.  He's not liking much lately.  Barely eating dinner.  Asking for all carb foods. 

So keep in mind we pick him up at close to 6 pm and he goes to bed at 7:30.  He's eating out of the home for 10 hrs/day.  If I do a crock pot meal, he won't eat it.  If I make toast, he will.  Do I keep making the meals I know he won't eat (neither DH nor I are fussed at all about dinner, we try to eat well at the office) just to model that a) I do cook and b) this is how most families eat OR do we just do a picnic style dinner/snack every night and family meals on weekends?  WWYD?

Further to that, if we do eat together as a family, he often wants down before the meal is finished.  In fairness last night for example he got up and tried some chicken, ignored the potato and sweet potatoes (except to cut them with his knife) and pushed the broccoli around.  I honestly don't think he was hungry.  So he'll ask to get down. At his age and with his temperament I feel if he got up and tried, he should be allowed to get down.  Issues arising from that train of thought are a) what if he refuses to get up at all...should we make him at his age ie is it an age-appropriate expectation? And b) he often asks for food just before bed...so natural consequences should play out?  What if he asks for the dinner he rejected - tell him it's too late?

[Khalam's Mama]

You must feel like I post on all your threads Wendy! F is a bit older than K so I feel we go through similar issues sooner or later.

I don't make K sit at the table until we finish. It is too much for a spirited 2yo I think.

If he wants carbs personally I would let him have it. They often know what they need at this age. It may be something else next month.

If K doesn't eat his dinner I always save it and let him have it later. I try not to say no when what does it really matter? Equally if he was hungry before bed I would let him have cereal rather than go hungry. I would ask a bit before BT though and say this is the last chance so it isn't just becoming a stalling tactic.

If you and Tom don't want a big dinner and nor does Finn I would do a picnic meal to suit everybody. Why does a family meal have to be a cooked one?

[Mama2boys]

hi, exactly as K's mama said. expecting them to sit while an adult eats a full meal is asking for too much IMHO. Infact I cant evne get DS2 to sit thorugh DS1's meals as DS2 is a speed eater and DS1 is a slow eater

[Tweakster]

The eating before bedtime is definitely a stalling tactic.  But that's our dilemma because we don't have the extra time at the end of our day to allow him to change his mind.  He kind of has to eat when offered or there's nothing.  Or we would be pushing out bedtime.

I totally agree with the table thing, we'll keep doing that then.  I figure one day when he's older we can revisit the idea.  Right now it is too painful to have him sit there.

When I say carbs I mean he asks for things like Goldfish, or cookies, or cake lol  Not please make me a plate of pasta.  So it's only because he's addicted to those things I guess.  I'll be so glad when I control his lunch!

[clazzat]

I think I would make what you and Tom are going to eat and offer it to him without getting too worked up if he doesn't eat it - it does sound like he is getting plenty to eat outside the house so I would say the modelling of a family dinner is the key thing rather than the food itself. And there is no particular reason that I has to be a full crock pot dinner - would he eat soup, for example?

I agree that expecting him to sit at the table is asking too much - I don't even expect my 5 yo to sit through everyone at the table finishing! However, I would make it clear that if he gets down then he is done and he can't have dinner later - I think it does just give him another tool for stalling. If you are worried about him going to be hungry, then perhaps you could build in a small snack just before he gets into his pjs as a matter of course. Having said that, it's unlikely that he will be hungry. He is old enough now that he can tell when he is hungry, and if he is eating well during the day then he will manage without dinner if he doesn't feel like eating it.

[Mashi]

this is how most families eat OR do we just do a picnic style dinner/snack every night and family meals on weekends?  WWYD?

I think it is irrelevant to what most families do!  You need to do what works for your own family.  Now that DS is in kindergarten and has a hot meal (offered at least, he doesn't eat it though...) and my DH has a chance for a hot meal at work most days, I have decided that I am sick and tired of cooking all afternoon for our evening meal.  DS is too tired to eat, I am too tired to cook, and regardless of what I make, my DH makes himself a sandwich at 9pm anyway.  Sod it, we now have abendbrot and that's it!! So we have a hot meal once or twice a week, the rest of the nights it's bread, cheese, cold meats, vegetables, etc!!!  It works for us and has taken a lot of the stress away from meal time!

[Tweakster]

Well you just read about how sacred and important the family meal is I guess.  For some reason I pressure myself to cook and make a meal - maybe because it wasn't really like that in my home.  We ate at the sofa...and it could be anything from cereal to PB & J...and I find myself leaning towards that with Finn.  It's just a lot of work to get him at the table right now.  So if it's going to be hard to change later on though I feel like I want to start now.  It's not like we're 'talking' at the table about our day really.  He's too 'busy' to want to sit and chat. 

Clare - Tom wouldn't eat soup.  Finn may eat soup but he actually is getting a lot of homemade soup at daycare - lucky bugger lol  These two are all about the sandwiches.  If I can get veggie sticks and fruit in there, great.  If not then they would live off of sandwiches.  I need more variety myself!

[clazzat]

There's nothing wrong with sandwiches if there are hot meals at daycare - as mashi says, it's about what works for you, not the "perfect" family meal. There's also nothing wrong with having a less formal style during the week when you are rushed, and saving the family meal for the weekends when you can all savour the time. My dh is away most of the week, so we very rarely all sit down to eat together as a family - I often eat with the girls, but not invariably - and we seem to be managing okay!

[Mashi]

Well you just read about how sacred and important the family meal is I guess.

But that is not about food content, IMO.  Just because we are eating abendbrot for dinner at our house does not mean we are walking around like wolves while we eat it!  I put the breads, deli meats, cheeses and vegetables on the table and we sit down together and still eat together. DS gets down when he is finished, within reason. I am encouraging him to sit and have conversation with us for at least 30 seconds before he runs off, but it also depends on tiredness, time, etc  Sometimes he sits for a while other times he does not. 

But just because it is bread and butter does not mean you can not have it as a family meal, right?  We all sit down together, we pass the bread basket around and we have a nice talk about what we did today, and we eat together. Still a family meal!   

On nights when DH and I are not eating with DS (if he has not napped he goes to bed at 5pm) he eats at his little table int he living room watching TV. I sit down at a little chair with him and we chat, I don't just leave him to it. 

[clazzat]

I agree with mashi. And on the days when I don't eat with the girls I make sure that I sit down with them and have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

[koe2moe]

dont be so harsh on yourself, Wendy.  Like Mashi said, I dont think it is about what the food is, well obviously as opposed to take out, junk food.  I think it is about setting some family time together.  Growing up as a child, my family always sat together to eat but the tv was always on and still is.  We ate at the prime tv drama time and of course, we got told off for staring at the tv than eating our food!  How unfair it was.  I had the seat with my back to the tv and I always had to look over my shoulders to watch and got told off, whereas my older siblings had the prime seats for comfortable viewing.  We didnt have quality family time together despite having family meals at the table with homecooked food.  You get the picture.

If you can eat at the sofa together and spend some quality time together, that is great and there is more sharing and joy in that than trying to control a toddler and power struggle with him to sit down.

hugsssss

[Mom to M&M]

What everyone has said! Most nights my kids eat between 5:30-6. Sometimes I eat with them, sometimes I wait and eat with DH (he's never home before 6:30/7), sometimes DH and I choose to eat after the kids go to bed. And given DS's dairy intolerance and pickiness as well my gluten issues, we often aren't eating the same things anyway - or at least not totally (like even on a pasta bolognese or primavera type night DH and DD will have the complete meal, I'll have the sauce and meat/veggies but over gluten free pasta or rice or spaghetti squash instead and DS only wants the pasta with meat or sauce). Once a week we often do something super easy like sandwiches or homemade pizza but even then DS and I have something altered from the others.

Even when we don't eat together I sit with DD to chat about her day and encourage DS to sit as well - usually he does. Maybe find some sort of balance - 2-3 nights a week shoot for a hot cooked meal together (even if DS doesn't eat it), 1-2 nights have sandwiches or the like and 1-2 nights eat with Tom after Finn goes to bed?

[Tweakster]

Ok.  You guys have made me feel better.  Had a lecture from my nutritionist and new weight loss doc about family meals, modeling good eating, making sure he gets xyz - stress and pressure!!!

So here's an opposite issue that we often have.  When we do eat together, often DH and I are done and he's faffing around with his food, saying he's 'not finished' but not eating it either.  Pushing it around, playing with the pepper mill, etc etc. Do you set a time limit or just ignore their stalling behaviour

[*Becky*]

I totally agree that you do what works best for the family unit as a whole. Mon-fri I never eat tea with DS. That does not mean he sits alone, I sit with him and usually read stories while he eats. I do not want to eat my dinner at 5pm and DH is not even home then and that is ok, there are enough things to feel guilty about. We eat lunch together most days and always at weekends. Henry usually has a hot meal at night but not always, just depends on the day and what he has had for lunch. Don't stress it hun. Of course the nutritionist is right in that you do need to model healthy eating and table manners etc but that does not man you need to do it every day regardless of what actually works for you as a family.

[koe2moe]

when that happens, i usually just ask if he wants more or can i finish it? lol  or if DH could finish it.  (we dont like throwing food away, so we eat everything which isnt necessarily a good habit!)  Or we would mention one of his absolute favourite food, like yoghurt or fruit and he would just turn his attention to what is to come.  can you suggest to have activity time (say reading, lego, or whqt not) or just simply set a one minute count down on your phone and once it beeps, dinner over, move on?

[clazzat]

I set a time limit when it is clear that the child in question is just mucking about, otherwise there are times when we would be there all night. One of our issues is that we normally only have 30-40 minutes in which to eat anyway because bath and bed are pretty early in this house.

I normally find that the messing around with food is because the child doesn't like it, so I tend to say that they can leave it and get down, or eat x more bites (3 for e because she is 3 and 5 for m) and then they can have yoghurt/fruit/whatever is on offer.

[Mum-of-Two]

I haven't read all the responses but Oliver is in a very moody phase regarding food as well.  Pretty much anything right now if he puts his mind to it, thats how it is going to go -- doesn't want to nap, he won't.  Doesn't want to eat, he won't.  I try very hard not to push the issue with him because I find sometimes he'll come back to it an hour later.   But last night he didn't and I know he was hungry but it was the first time I said he had to eat dinner before he could get anything else... and that booger went to bed not eating!  Definition of strong willed child.  He wasn't even sad about it, more satisfied he "won".

[Tweakster]

Oh yes Finn has gone to bed without dinner lol  He sets his mind and it's hard to change or persuade.

I like the timer idea...we do play the 'well daddy will eat it then', to which he freaks out but still doesn't eat it IYSWIM.  If you touch his food he gets upset but often DH will 'feed' him the rest which I am now re-thinking.  I feel like it makes the fussing around ok and then he'll get 'fed' in the end YK?  Last night it was eggs which he looooves.  But he's on a 'no meat' kick and I had put leftover ham in them.  My bad!

[<Catherine>]

Following along Wendy and really interested in what's been said. I have been stressing about the same issues as you.

DS isn't eating too well, in that he's only really interested in the meat on his plate. He wont eat a vegetable, and potatoes are very hit and miss. I'm making sure he's getting extra fruit during the day though. Our main problem is that childcare is changing and he's currently being looked after by my sister. He doesn't nap there so by the time we're in the car at 5pm for our hour journey home, he's completely OT. Not only does he ask for something to eat in the car (which I give or I have an hour of screaming) but he's too tired to want to sit and eat a meal when we finally get in. The last couple of nights I've given him snacky stuff on the sofa because at least that way he is actually eating something, and am trying to give my sister something more 'substantial' to give him for lunch instead.

[Mum-of-Two]

we do play the 'well daddy will eat it then', to which he freaks out but still doesn't eat it IYSWIM.

Same here!