I need help with myself and DS2's eating

[Mama2boys]

Ladies,

I know there have been a gazillion posts about children not eating and throwing food etc but I really think I needed to start my own as I am in so much pain due to DS2 and his eating or rather not eating.

So he literally eats 2 things or maybe 3 and he wont try anything will just fling it across the floor and it kills me it really makes me go mad and I dont know what to do and how to even make him try. It troubling in more than 1 way

1. His health and lack of variety of food, fruit and/or veggies
2. My own stress
3. The longivty of this 'phase' i hope to god this is a phase
4. effect on DS1 who is a great eater and will eat all veggies and other healthy stuff

Questions
1. How do I help him when he wont evne let me put something new on his plate and throws it across the table/floor

2. How do I cope with the stress this causes me, just him refusing and throwing things kills me everytime

thanks if you have got so far with my pity story
Mukta

[CCCmom27]

How old is ds2; I'm thinking 1 but can't tell for sure from your ticker?!?!

[rach321]

Well I'm in no position to offer advice - I've got a 3 yr old that will only now tolerate veggies on his plate - he won't eat them but at least he doesn't fling them on the floor!
Are there any foods that he does eat well? Or is it a case of every mealtime he takes 2-3 bites and then he's done whether its new foods or not?
Have you tried picnic lunch on the floor? Platter of different foods, some he does like and some new ones. How old is ds2 can he get involved in the cooking? For example, my ds1 won't eat cooked mushrooms but will steal uncooked ones off the chopping board while I'm cooking!
If he's throwing food then just give him one thing at a time - less for you to pick up then!
Is there a chance he's picking up on your mealtime stress and that's affecting him? My ds1 isn't really in to sitting down for a meal as such he would rather graze all day. Could you have food on offer all day, just a plate of food that won't go bad left out so he can help himself when he feels like it.
With the trying food thing, you can't force that it will happen when it happens. Depending on age you can have a sniff it then lick it rule for new foods with no pressure to try then work up to taking a tiny bite.
Just a few ideas for you ;-)

[Mama2boys]

hi ladies DS2 just turned 2 last week.

SO we have tried everything picnics, platters etc especially as DS1 is a decent eater and eats steamed veggies regularly.

WIth DS2 its like I day he will eat 10 carrots - mini ones an dthe netx day wont even look at them. Till lats week he would eat a scarmbled egg this week its total refusal.

I dont think he is a grazer...just fussy and our pead said hold out till he is starvinga nd he will eta what you serve but that just feels wrong IMO...right?

[koe2moe]

Mukta, i feel for u.  I dont really have advice, just want to brainstorm with you.  I, too, hate throwing foods.  Just cannot stand it.  I didnt let DS go hungry because it would bite me with three EWs or more if he went to bed hungry.

If you dont put those veg or whatever on his plate, would it be more peaceful for you?  You feel the pressure on doing the right thing by offering, right?  Would it make u feel guilty not to put something on his plate?  I think the first thing to do is to minimise your stress.  If we are stressed, nothing works!  The atmosphere and your stress can affect him, if not, it definitely affects you!

Or you can take the approach that you will not tolerate throwing foods, so once he throws food, remove from the table but you have to do it calming.  Just tell him that no throwing foods, you dont want the food, so you can be excused from the table and put him down with his toys.  If he is happy, it means he isnt hungry.  If he complains, then he might stop the behaviour if you are consistent but it will require a lot of patience from you and strength. 

I hope and suspect that once the tension and power struggle doesnt exist, he might ease off, i dont mean that he will eat those things he doesnt now but he wont react so much to things he doesnt want to eat,  he must be feeling pressure and it becomes a control issue. 

Maybe i am totally off.  Hmmm just hope it helps!!  Hugs

[Mama2boys]

Thanks Koe, i think you are right, its becoming a power struggle and thats causing throiwng. I just need to accept he is  afussy eater offer him options but ahve something he might want in my backpocket..my only worry is that then he will think everytime he refuses he gets what he wnats, mind you its not anything unhealthy or bad...like he will eat yogurt rice for every meal or wholewheat pasta with paremesan....

yesterday i tried adding some gravy from the shrimp curry and he refused so i had to end up giving him just plain rice and yogurt which he munched away, then instead of fruit after he ate some cucumber..so i guess something is ok.

When i just take him off the chair and let him go play if he doe snot wnat to eat he will not ask for food, he like DS1 and I are not the kind who get starving hunry IYKWIM and super stubborn so he will hold out and then like you said its NW, EW etc and we already struggle enough with sleep!

so maybe accepting his limited variety of food is my way to peace

[koe2moe]

Yeah it is frustrating and perhaps even disrespectful for him to feel pressured to eat as i had that experience from my own family.   I could accept that i was expected to eat certain foods because they were good for me but i couldnt accept if they gave me food and told me it wasnt what i thought it was.  Not the same situation but just to show that meal time would be better kept harmonious, and it will avoid lot more problems later on.

Perhaps try an extra side plate for the to try food with only one small piece?  Put slightly away from him and said, i respect that you want your yoghurt rice, but this is something maybe you might like also, if you like, you may have it.  Just leave it at that every meal to try new things. 

I just realise how important it is to keep the cool, then everything else will be in perspective and we will feel more in control!  Hugssss!  Try for a few days and we will see how you feel.  Hugs

[Mama2boys]

Thanks Koe i will report back in  afew days..

btw he eats better (not variety just less throwing) when the nanny is doing meals, something that even DS1 did when he was younger...wonder if its his way at making me pay getting attention etc.

[Shiv52]

{{{hugs Mukta}}}}

I just need to accept he is  afussy eater offer him options but ahve something he might want in my backpocket..my only worry is that then he will think everytime he refuses he gets what he wnats,

To be totally honest I would have nothing in my back pocket.  Nothing.  When I have worked with children with fussy eating or picky eating issues the biggest problem has been that parents try to provide a specific meal or encourage them to try different things then when the children have a fit they produce something they like.  And all it teaches is them to hold out for something they like.   

From day dot I dont cater to favourites.  i always make sure at every meal there at least 2 things either of mine will eat on the plate.  At 2YO our rule was 'eat or don't eat'.  No pressure.  Just 'this is dinner/breakfast/lunch' and if they didn't eat that was totally fine.   And thats where we are with DD2 (18 months) now.  I just make whatever we're having.  Some days she eats great, others not. 

What you have to realise is your DS2 will not starve.  You have to try and not put so much pressure on yourself.  Its like teaching anything...we provide the foundations and the right atmosphere and the consistency and then we have to trust things will come right. 

If I were you I would probably take the pressure right off.  For the next week only offer him the things he will eat.  No pressure to eat.  DOn't even mention it.  Just provide the meal and leave him to it.  No talking about whether he ate or didn't.  On the table put out other things he can ask for if he'd like to try them but no pressure.  Then after a week start expanding out his meals, so provide his meal with something on the side and the only expectation is he just has to leave it there.  He doesn't have to eat it or even touch it, just leave it there.  And build up from there.

Am holding your hand  and had more to write but realised we are late for footie!!  PM MAshi and ask her to come take a look.  She has some great ideas on this xx

[Buntybear]

Following along as Olly is similar.

What foods does your DS eat? I have heard of food chaining which I think is along the lines of offering similar foods to ones he does like, or made of it. Not sure, not read up on it yet. Worth a look?

Your DS's meal of plain rice and yoghurt sounds like one thing I would offer Olly! I have given up offering a variety of foods as he is so stubborn he won't try them and causes stress for all.

I have also heard of other the foods he likes and then add 1 new food on the plate - don't make a big deal of it.

Making it into a stressful situation helps no one. 

I am not sure about having nothing in your back pocket. If Olly went away hungry we would have the most horrendous tantrums. Shiv, do you have any advice here?

[CCCmom27]

My ds1 is still somewhat like this but getting better (knock on wood) and he's 4.  He didn't throw food thought, just wouldn't eat it or even fancy the idea of trying it!  Dinner has always been our biggest issue.  Breakfast he's always liked and lunch I pretty much give him a few choices and he'll pick what he wants me to make him.  What we've always done is have at least one thing for dinner he will eat.  Some nights he won't eat anything!  I've also always tried to do every other night with things I know he'll eat (burritos, pasta, chilli, pot roast) and then meals (pretty much anything else at one point) he's not crazy about but still one things he normally eats. 

I too feel having something in your back pocket will just teach him to hold out till you give him something else.  We never did that and didn't have NWs.  Maybe be sure he has a lunch he likes if dinner you know he'll most likely only eat that 1 thing.   DS1 also eats what I think are crazy small portions for dinner to this day unless it's something he really likes.  I give small portions and let him know he can have more....

[Buntybear]

The 'back pocket' thing - is that assuming that you are offering mainly foods that they will eat? What if it is day when their teeth are hurting and they won't eat their faves? They go hungry?

[CCCmom27]

I always offer one thing I know he likes.  If he was teething or unwell is some way I would make a whole dinner I knew he would eat.  So we were all eating the same thing, but it was something he would eat.  I'm sure I made exceptions at some point but on a regular basis we all ate the same dinner.  Dinner is really the only meal I don't offer choices of what to eat.  There were/are sometimes when ds1 has asked for a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and then decides he doesn't want that once I've made it.  I put it in a baggie and tell him if he gets hungry later he can eat it.  Sometimes he does but often I end up eating it as a late night snack

IMO it's better to have to eat burritos twice a week so he'll eat dinner rather than offering him something I know he won't eat and then giving him something else anyway. 

I remember when I was pregnant with ds1 a woman I worked with was talking about making 2 different dinners.  And she said you wait till that baby grows up!  I said I won't be making different meals and I've stuck to it!

[Buntybear]

Cool, thanks for your reply 

I often make 2 meals due to ollys allergies. If he ate more variety I would love to be making us stews or pies etc as a family. He would point blank refuse them though. I have more success experimenting with finger foods, he will at least play/touch them.

[CCCmom27]

Allergies would make it more difficult.  If you make meals for you that were ok with his allergies maybe you could start giving him some as a side for him?  Then slowly give him less of 'his food' and more of yours.  That would expose him to your food while not having you worry about him being hungry.

Persistance pays off... ds2 (1 yr) has never liked eggs since I first gave them to him around 7 months or so.  I normally eat scrambled eggs for breakfast each morning and would always lay a piece in front of him to which he would almost immediately throw it on the floor.  This morning a gave him a tiny bite off my fork and he ate it!  Then I gave him a few more bites like that and then put some in front of him and he ate it just fine.  We'll see what he does tomorrow!