11 month old frequently waking at night - separation anxiety?

[lomckin]

My baby girl who will be 11 months old in a week has been waking up frequently in the night and screaming/having tantrums. She has been a relatively good sleeper up until a month ago, though she has always slept with a pacifier (which hasn't been a problem, she can usually find it on her own if it falls out). But lately she resists going to bed, stands up in her crib and screams when I put her back down, sometimes it takes over an hour to get her to settle down. Then she wakes frequently and we go through the p/d over and over again, sometimes 100s of times a night. She is definitely going through separation anxiety, during the day she gets upset when I leave the room unless certain other women (special aunties or grandmas) are in the room. Dad is usually useless in trying to settle her, much as he tries to help. I am wrecking my back from the constant p/d process, and we don't seem to be making any progress at all. The tantrums are just getting more violent and waking up is becoming even more frequent. I am keeping her on a pretty constant schedule during the day. My husband really wants to try "crying it out", as that is what EVERYONE we talk to says to do, but I am so worried about doing that, especially knowing that she is suffering from separation anxiety right now. Can anyone help?!

[becj86]

What is your daytime routine?

Have a read of this: 10/11 month old sleep gone wonky? Read this first!

And these about why CIO is not recommended:
Research on why 'cry it out' and 'controlled crying' is NOT recommended!
Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us

Here are some tips on separation anxiety: Tips for seperation anxiety

[lomckin]

We've been working on keeping her schedule on track. Here's an example of a typical day:
7:00 am wake up, breast feed
8:00 am breakfast
9:30-11:00 morning nap
11:00 breast feed
12:00 lunch
2:30-4:00 afternoon nap
5:30 dinner
7:00 breast feed
7:30 bath, book, wind-down process
8:00 bed

Her napping is getting back on track, for awhile she was having a hard time going down for naps too, but it's getting much better. But even on this routine (she is super happy during the day by the way, and eats loads), she wakes frequently at night, screaming bloody murder. It is so not like her. When she wakes up at night she's like a different baby, throwing temper tantrums, throwing herself around the crib, and just screaming. Just tonight I tried calmly doing p/d with her for over an hour, but her tantrums excalated so violently that I was afraid she was going to hurt herself. I still didn't pick her up though, because my gut tells me she's trying to get me to pick her up. Instead I had to get Dad to take over. Now he's been in there with her for an hour. She seems to settle down, then after being quiet for 15 minutes it's like she gives up trying to go to sleep herself and starts screaming and tantrums again. Are we doing something wrong? Should I be picking her up and soothing herself when she's getting herself all worked up, or should I stick to my guns and sooth her with words and p/d and a hand on her back?
Thanks so much for any advice.
PS, I read the article on separation anxiety, but the problem isn't with strangers or other people, she just wants to be constantly held and often won't let me leave the room without causing a fit.

[becj86]

Is she sleeping those full 1.5hr naps? It could be too much day sleep. If not, what's actually happening?

she just wants to be constantly held and often won't let me leave the room without causing a fit.

^ This is pretty classic separation anxiety. Issues with other people is stranger anxiety
If she is having separation anxiety, she needs you. She needs to know you're going to be there when she needs you. She is too young to be manipulative - her brain is not capable of it. If your DH asks for a hug, he gets one, right? Why shouldn't your DD?

[lomckin]

Her naps are at their longest 1.5 hours, but they are usually closer to 1 hour.
Thanks for the tip on separation anxiety...my DH thinks I coddle her too much when I give her snuggles when she asks for them. I try not to encourage whiny behaviour, but I try to always be available when she needs me and gently encourage her independence once she's had a snuggle. If she had her way, she would have a grip on my arm 70% of her awake time.

Back to sleeping...ever since she was a wee babe when she wakes up she cries almost immediately. The only thing that will improve her mood in the morning and after a nap is a breastfeed. Is this normal? I'm wondering what will happen in a couple months when we wean her.

[becj86]

Ok, I think you probably need to look into slowly shifting your routine so she's getting one longer, restorative nap in the day and one catnap that lengthens the day to about 13hr, so something like this:
7 - wake
11:30 - nap
1:30 - wake (indicative - let her sleep longer if she wants to)
4 - nap
4:30/4:45 - wake
7:30/8 - bedtime

I found when DS was having a phase of wanting to be attached to me, it would pass much faster if I stuck with him for a few days than if I tried to get him to be independent for weeks. He's really comfortable that I'll be there when he needs me and will explore happily just checking back every now and then to ensure I'm still within sight. That's probably partly temperament but I think it is also partly related to the way we've handled his SA.

Re: the crying when she wakes - can be normal, could mean she's not waking rested, could be she's overstimulated before her nap, could be she's used to BF after she wakes, could be SA.

[amayzie]

Hi Hon- I'm wanting to back up Bec here- you can't coddle your LO too much at this age!! It sounds like you mummy instincts are telling you to cuddle her- i'd go with that!! As bec says- cuddling and holding actually helps to BUILD confidence and secre attachment- which in turn means that they are BETTER st separating from mummy!

[lomckin]

Thanks ladies! I have been thinking lately that a gradual shift to one nap a day is needed. Might as well change it up while its crap...at  this point it feels like it can't get much worse. She's still waking up on average 5 times a night. Sometimes she wakes up wide awake and ready to play at 4:30 in the morning!! But it's reassuring to hear that you don't think I can over coddle her. Because the one sure thing that will always get her to go back to bed is a mommy cuddle. I just hope we don't get in a routine of her expecting a mommy cuddle every two hours during the night. :s

[becj86]

Certainly you are probably looking at making that transition but take it from someone who went too early and had to go from 2 naps to 1 nap twice, don't jump to one nap straight away.

I think you could start by increasing her morning A time a little and getting a reliable 1.5hr+ nap in the morning and then do a catnap in the afternoon rather than a full nap.

[lomckin]

Thanks, I'll try that! I'm sure I can increase activity time in the morning.