Hi there
I'm sure we'll be able to help. As you realise, the issue at hand is independent sleep. He's totally capable of learning how to go to sleep independently, but you need to know (I'm sure I don't need to tell you) that he's not going to be happy about you changing things up on him! My daughter is the same age and starting to experiment with some pretty good tantrums!
OK so first lets talk about independent sleep. You are going to put him in his cot for his (one) daytime nap, and at bedtime. You'll do a short wind-down which is exactly the same for each nap (and a slight variation which is exactly the same at each bedtime). It doesn't particularly matter what the wind-down is, as long as it is consistent and you can follow the same steps in the same order every day. Here are our two wind-downs.
Naps:
Read two stories downstairs, just to start to slow down
Go upstairs, change nappy and into sleeping bag
Turn on white noise in her room, close curtains
Grab her loveys
Cuddle and I sing her lullaby
Kiss and into cot.
Bedtime:
Go upstairs for bath
Out of bath, brush teeth, into nappy/PJs/sleeping bag
Turn on white noise in her room close curtains
Grab loveys, breastfeed
Cuddle and lullaby
Kiss and into cot.
Obviously this is just an example. If you can write down your wind-down you can have your mum do the same thing when he's at hers.
OK now for his routine. For now, bedtime is going to be at 6pm IF he takes a decent (1.5hr plus) nap. If he naps an hour or less, or if he skips his nap altogether, bed will be at 5.30pm or 5pm. That will mean (for now) starting your wind-down a good hour beforehand, so that he has time to go through his wind-down and to learn to settle to sleep.
For his nap, I really recommend you push him to stay awake until 11am. Do a BIG snack at 10am, then at 10.20 start your wind-down. (when he gets adjusted to the new way of doing thigsn, you'll likely be able to move his nap later and do a shorter wind-down).
OK so how to settle him. Put him in his cot and sit on the floor next to his cot. Don't hold his hand because that's the prop you're trying to break. You could offer him a lovey to hold on to. You can talk to him softly, hum, sing... personally I would sit on my hands because if I reached into the cot to pat his back or stroke his hair, it would end up in a silly wrestling match with him trying to grab your hand or whatever. Best to keep hands out of it.
OK, so say you do this for 45 mins at nap time and he's still just crying and crying, nowhere near settling. Get him up, go downstairs, have a drink and a play, regroup/recover. Give it an hour or two and then try again, right from the beginning of the wind-down. You might find that he skips his nap entirely on the first couple of days. That's OK you can do early bedtime instead.
Repeat the same drill at bedtime - but this time, there's no break after an hour. Just stay with him until he falls asleep.
So, after a few days has passed and he has fallen asleep a few times without you holding his hand, move away from the side of his cot. Still sit on the floor but just edge away so you're a few feet away. He'll protest again, that's to be expected. Don't wait until he's going to sleep *brilliantly* with you sitting next to the cot, before you move - you need to keep up momentum, and work on getting out the door. A few more nights, move away further again. Within a week or 10 days you should be able to get to the bedroom door, and from there you can do walk in walk out if he needs you to.
What do you think?
