13mo won't let mommy put him down to sleep

[ac333]

hi again. so we recently came back fr Europe and my 13mo ds will no longer let me put him down for his sleeps again. this time its even worse.  he cries frantically and its heartbreaking.  I tried everything.  pu/pd, wi/wo, and everything is a flop.
should I still be following the same principles?
seems like my dh and my inlaws can put him down but he just cries so hard when I do.
and he sleeps were relatively really good in Europe.
pls help

[jessmum46]

Hi honey, sorry you're struggling again.  It could well be 2-1 problems that you've run into now....

Since he's now over one I'm going to split this post off and move it over to the Sleeping for Toddlers board -  I hope that's ok with you?

Could you post what your current routine is in EAS format?  Are you and his other carers still putting him down in the same way for naps?

[ac333]

hi, yes.  we're putting him down the same way as before.

his schedule as follows:
wake 7am (toilet train for 5min)
bottle 730
A 745
E 830
S 10:15 1/2 hr
snack 10:45 or 11
A 11
E 12
S 1:15 - 4
Snack
A 4
E 6
S730

We tried to stick to this as much as we could in Europe. the naps were a bit difficult to stick with though. when grandparents put him down now (esp grandma), he goes down very easily for both naps. what do you think?

[jessmum46]

He could well be fighting because of UT, 3h15 first A time is short for this age and some LOs just won't take naps if they are significantly UT.  He also has a really long pm nap, and again a fairly short A time afterwards.  Usually the long nap is capped at 2 h if LO is still on two naps as overall he really isn't getting much A time at the moment - a total of 9h15 in 24h.  DD would have been very UT on that and would definitely have resisted naps. 

I hate to push the point but are you sure Grandma is doing exactly as you do for naps?  The fact he goes down so easily for her makes me wonder if she could be rocking, staying with him or something similar?  Or if she is doing exactly as you do, is he actually sleeping for all of the "nap time" or is he playing for some of it?  It doesn't really make sense otherwise 

Routine-wise you could do a few things.  It looks like he will take long naps so you could jump the gun and try one nap, although given how short his A times are currently I think that might lead to OT rather quickly.  Instead it might be better to push the am nap slightly later and cap it shorter, then bring the pm nap a touch earlier for a max of 2h.

Something like:

WU 7am
Nap 10.30 for 20 mins
Nap 1pm for up to 2h
BT 7/7.30pm

What do you think?

[ac333]

hi, the interesting thing is he takes all his naps & bedtimes well, so long as it's not me putting him down.  Grandma, Grandpa, and DH can with little or no problem.  and yes, I've watched them all put him down and it's consistent with how I do as well - hold for a min to settle him, set him down and say sleep time, and leave the room.

I think he's just clingy with me and for good reason i'm sure (teething, weaning BF, coming back from long haul trip).

Today I tried putting him down.  took 1 hour.  I couldn't put him down and leave the room bc his cries were already escalated.  so I tried pd only until he cried hard, and then sometimes pu/pd when his cries were too severe.  should I just do pd and leave the room despite him crying and then go back in right away?

any suggestions?

As for the schedule, I can reduce to one nap.  I wasn't sure if it was too early bc I remember tracy saying to push it as log as possible in her book.  plus he seems to be doing fine, so long as I don't put him down.

[jessmum46]

I see, maybe separation anxiety is the issue here then.

I would use a combination of WIWO and PD (no PU at this age), this is what we used when DD started nursery and separation anxiety flared up again.  So do your normal routine, put him down and leave the room even if still crying.  Pause for a moment outside the room to assess the cry, and if it is still an 'I need you', go back in, lie him down again and leave again. Repeat repeat repeat until he sleeps, which he will, eventually. 

I used to count up to ten whilst I was outside the room, not because I was staying outside for a particular length of time before responding (which is more like controlled crying which we do not support), but because it forced me to take 5-10 seconds to stop and think before rushing in which is something Tracy recommended.  Sometimes I would be convinced at 1....2..... that it was an 'I need you' but by ...5....6.... she would have stopped and I would realise it was more of a protest cry. 

What do you think about trying that?

[ac333]

ok i'll try that. so even if he's crying loud I don't pick him up?

[jessmum46]

No I would try to keep him in the cot unless he is completely beside himself and you feel that you *have* to pick him up.  I'd never say never, it has to be your call, but from my perspective it should be the rare exception, not something that is happening every time x

[ac333]

Terribly sorry for not giving you all a report.  Since the great suggestions, my ds has been doing great.  I did the wi/wo method as per suggested and it worked really well.  the first few days were rough and heartbreaking but he's doing great now.
we also reduced his 2naps into 1 so i'm thinking it was probably a combination of the 2 that made it work.

anyway, thank you so much for all your help.  you're all angels.

[jessmum46]

Fabulous, I'm so glad things have improved for you . Well done for sticking with it xx