Sister-in-law nursed my 9 month old while I was gone. HELP.

[aboveallrubies]

Hi ladies.  I am writing heavy hearted today.  First of all, I want to say that I realize the idea of co-nursing or a wet nurse is not entirely uncommon and to those who do it by choice I do not condemn.  However, I'm greatly struggling through something right now and am just seeking some advice/reassurance that everything will be okay.

During our Thanksgiving holiday weekend at my in-laws, I left my 9 month old daughter with my husband who was sleep deprived with me as we both woke up way earlier than normal due to an abnormal sleep schedule on our trip for our baby.  I fed her at 6:00 before I left and left him with some jarred food and a snack to get her by until I was home.  I returned at 9:30.  That was 3 hours for her to not have breastmilk.  She can go MUCH longer without.  Anyway, my husband asked my sister-in-law to watch her so he could go get a little more sleep.  She has a 16 month old boy who she is nursing.  He came downstairs and found her nursing our baby.  She said she thought she was hungry so she fed her.  She then found out that I was not okay with anybody else nursing my baby and stopped and felt terrible. She then waited four days to tell me as my husband wanted her to be the one to tell me about it. 

My struggle now is feeling almost like my child has been harmed.  I feel violated.  That's the best way I can put it.  I know she didn't mean it but I keep thinking about my child nursing from her.  I'm likely just a mess and totally wrong but need a little reassurance that my daughter will still love me and not think she is her mother too.  Any encouragement, direction, etc is appreciated! 

[Aishi]

Hugs hon! I have no btdt experience of bf but I would totally feel violated too! I dk whereabouts you're from (or culture) but surely bf another's lo WO permission would be wrong in any culture??!!

How awful for u but rest assured you're lo hasn't been harmed and loves u unconditionally. Hugs xx

[~Karen~]

OMG I would of gone mental.  That is totally inappropriate and I can't believe she ever thought it would be ok.  I'm sure your dd won't be affected though.  Lots of hugs x

[jessmum46]

Big (((hugs))), I would have been devastated too.  Totally not ok in my book but co-nursing/wet nursing isn't usual in my culture.  Is it something your SIL would consider normal?  There is no doubt though that your LO knows you and only you are her mummy and will love you absolutely because of that xx

[cuckoochick]

This would have upset me greatly too. It is not usual practice in my culture either and I don't think that it is something I would choose let alone have someone do without my permission.

With all that said, I am assuming that your SIL had your LO's interests at heart and that she now realises how upset you were. Your LO loves you unconditionally and there is no way anybody could replace you. Trust in that.

So many hugs xxx

[Katet]

Culturally it isn't the norm here, but I'm thinking 2 things here 1) if your DD hadn't felt comfortable, she wouldn't have done it, yes your DD is only 9mo, but at 9mo neither of my boys could be easily held by many family members much less made skin to skin contact. 2) Your SIL stopped when your brother asked her to, so she did respect the feelings when she was given them & 3) the time it took your SIL to tell you probably had to do with she was struggling knowing she had done something to damage the relationship that she didn't do with intent, but because she thought it was ok.

At the end of the day your DD wouldn't have fed if she was kicking & screaming, so in a way you need to respect your DD that she was OK with it & so you kind of need to learn to cope with it being a "it happened" event rather than put a lot of emotional energy into if it is ok or not... hard as I know I'd find it, but you kind of need to let go knowing that your SIL will respect you in the future. KWIM

[Shiv52]

Hugs xx

I would not have been happy with that at all but I think it was a genuine mistake. TBH in my culture one would not assume it is ok to go ahead and nurse someone else's baby even if they did seem hungry.  I wouldn't dream of BFing someone else's baby.

But rest assured your baby will be fine. It will not have done her any harm at all xx

[*Ali*]

Shocking anyone would think that is ok without your prior agreement. Allow yourself to feel wronged, we all deserve to have our own feelings but do try not to dwell on it as there is no way to change what happened now.

I agree with pps though I'm sure your dd has already forgotten about it and there is no doubt she knows who her mother is. Hugs. I know my boys would have BF from my sister at that age and actually leaned in to her once or twice when she was feeding my nephew and he popped off leaving an exposed breast  It doesn't mean they thought she was their mum but just like a FF LO would take a bottle from someone else they probably see it more as a source of food. 

[Buttonbobs]

I agree with lots of the above, just sending (((hugs))) as you work through your feelings here.

[Fiver]

Hugs. As hard as it might be right now I agree with Katet. She did it with the best motives at heart.

[zeri]

I agree with Katet; I think she did it out of a good place and if your LO wasn't comfortable, she would have resisted being fed. It isn't a cultural norm here but I don't think it would bother me - food is food to LOs

[aboveallrubies]

Thank you all for your kind replies and hugs.  As time progresses, I feel better about it.  It was just a huge surprise and I've been set against having anybody else breastfeed my baby from the beginning so it was hard to get past.  I also was offended to think she would think I would leave my child(ren) behind without making sure they had eaten and had other food to get them by. And no, it is not normal in our culture to do such a thing.  Anyway, as stated above, I agree that she was just trying to help.  And it doesn't seem that my LO has changed any because of it. (Although she is growing chubbier these days and I jokingly attributed it to getting some good milk the other day!)

[cuckoochick]

Pleased you are feeling better about it. X

[*Ali*]

Glad you are coming to terms with it.

[creations]

Wow I would be so upset.  Good to hear you are starting to feel better about it now.  I agree with much of what has already been said and also wanted to say that as violated as you felt/feel the relationship you have with your SIL and your LO's relationship with her aunt are precious. SIL clearly cares for your daughter and having positive strong family bonds (and extended family bonds) in your LOs life is really something that is so precious, irreplaceable, and worth the effort to move on from past misjudged mistakes.

I was unable to bf so my LO was ff. I found people were more than happy to feed my LO when he didn't need (or want) a bottle.  The personal, intimate aspect of skin to skin is obviously different when it's a bottle, and in that sense I would find someone bfing my baby more upsetting than someone giving him a bottle at the wrong time.  My mum used to feed DS at the wrong time and then re-offer a bottle 2hrs old, full of bacteria, to my baby despite clear instruction of when to feed and when to discard the bottle, it drove me insane and almost ruptured my relationship with my mum for putting my baby's health at risk.  If nothing else, at least your SILs milk was fresh, the good stuff.

many hugs, I do hope all the family relationships can be healed with time. x

[Buttonbobs]

I'm glad you are feeling better sweetie x