14 MO - difficult BT and many NWs - am I doing this wrong?

[Ebba]

A week ago, I started with the PUPD method (or just the PD part really, as my daughter is 14 months old).
We've done all the accidental parenting things you can do with her and so she has never been able to fall asleep on her own, or stay asleep.  A while back, all our usual tricks of rocking, co-sleeping, feeding, etc, stopped working and I realized that I had to teach her how to fall asleep and stay asleep on her own.

I'm on night 8 of the PD'ing, and while it has gotten easier (she doesn't cry hysterically anymore) it still takes 45 minutes to 1 hour to get her to fall asleep.  She keeps standing up in her bed:  she'll be so tired, she's swaying, barely able to keep her balance, but she will not lay down.  When she starts crying, I put her down.  She might stay down for a minute or so, but then she'll rally again and get up.  She's clearly tired and uncomfortable, but she will not give in. 
Other things she will do is pluck her eyelashes (yep!  She can be almost asleep and then all of a sudden, the little hands go up to the eyelashes and start pluck, pluck, plucking!), bang her head against the crib or start throwing her pacifier, her rabbit (I'm trying to make her "adopt" it) or her pillow on the floor. 
If I have one hand on her face and stroke her back with the other hand, it will be a little easier:  it seems to "trick" her to stay down longer and she might accidentally let herself fall asleep 

From the 4th night, she's had a long first period of sleep - waking up for the first time 5 or 6 hours after going to bed.  Which is great and a big improvement.
But then she starts waking.  Or not really waking, just crying which escalates if I don't go in.  She'll be either standing, seated or still lying down:  I'll put the pacifier in, help her turn on her side and that will be it.  She'll be calm again. 
Then 1 to 2 hours later, it happens again.  And then again.  At some point, usually around 3 or 4, she'll rally again after just a few minutes.  And this will go on for up to two hours:  I'm not able to leave the room because she'll just be calm for a few minutes. 
But at no point during all this is she really awake.  That comes later, around 5:  I give her a bottle and then she has eyes open for a few minutes before falling asleep quite peacefully.

I am so tired now, and I need some motivation to continue with this method.  I haven't had a good night's sleep in 14 months and am going insane...

About the bedtime, have I been helping too much with the stroking?  Should I stand back more? Or should I help more since she until just 8 days ago was always rocked to sleep?

And about the night wakings (these are really the ones that are killing me):  am I doing this wrong?  Should I leave the room between each awakening?  Wait until she is standing to assist? 
I know that it's normal for babies to cry in their sleep and that it doesn't mean that they are awake.  I've of course rushed to help with each whimper for the past 14 months, which is why we're in this situation.  But how long should I wait to see if she will wake up?  1 minute?  5 minutes?

Here is some more information:
Her nights are usually 11/12 hours long.  A typical day looks like this:

Wake up:  7
Nap:  11 - 13
Bed time:  19.30
(it makes her afternoon very long, but she's resisted the 2nd nap for months.  She also gets supertired in the morning, so it's hard to move that nap later).

She's a Spirited child (with a touch of Grumpy, I think).

Sorry if this post is a bit of a mess.  14 months of not sleeping properly....

thanks in advance for all help!!

[ZacsMumme]

Ill pop back on tonight but I just wasted to say well done so far! And although the eyebrow plucking thing seems really odd, they often do these funny things as part of learning to self settle. My second pinches!!!! (Lucky he pinches a muzzie not me )

I personally think the day needs to be more balanced to minimise OT by BT. At 14 mths I'd push that first A time to 4.5 hrs and see if you still get that two hour nap and if so pull BT back 30 mins while your ST and she is taking ages to settle.

Make sure you don't give her the paci. Guide her hand to it, she needs to learn to replug herself. Pop 4-5 in the cot and if possible get glow in the dark ones.

[Ebba]

Thanks for the answer and the kind words!  I feel like if I know what I'm doing is right, then I'll get the motivation I need to continue.
The last few nights I've been very tempted to throw in the towel, just because I'm so tired.

I kept her up for 4 hours and 15 minutes before her nap today - she was absolutely beat.  I had her in my arms until she was very drowsy and then put her down.  And then she settled and fell asleep in about 5 minutes with me stroking her back.  And slept for 3 hours!

I'm wondering if that is what I should have been doing at night?  Rather than put her straight in her crib.  And if I should change now or if that's too confusing for her, me changing the rules again?

I'll try a shorter afternoon today, as I definitely agree that she is often OT at bedtime.

Last night was like this: 
7:20 pm - asleep
10 pm - crying.  I stayed 20 minutes
1 am - crying.  I stayed 20 minutes
3 am - crying, I stayed 50 minutes
5 am - crying.  Gave her a bottle, stayed for 25 minutes
6:45 - wake up.

The times I stay, she's not really awake.  She cries, I either put her down if she's sitting or standing, or just help her onto her side.  She settles and sleeps.  Only to start stirring a few minutes later:  tossing, turning, touching her face and eventually sitting up and crying.  But if I stay next to her and stroke her back, she never gets to the last point of sitting up.  She still tosses and turns though.

Am I helping too much maybe?  Should I let these awakenings run its course or am I doing the right thing by helping her through them.  I haven't really seen any improvements in the number of these or the time they take in the past 8 nights - except that the first couple of nights there was a lot more crying.

And thanks for the tip about the paci.  I kinda knew but was hoping I didn't have to go there :-)
Will definitely get some glow in the dark ones!

[ZacsMumme]

Great nap! Well done. You may find 3 hrs is too long, but for now let her sleep

I was thinking because she hasn't been an independent sleeper before PU/pd or WI/WO that maybe GW is a better option for you - particularly if your feeling stressed and feel your not making progress.

I do wonder if your going in to soon does her cry sound like an 'I need you cry' or more trying to settle, look for paci cry. If you do go in and it's just the paci she wants keep pushing her to get it, guide her hand to it etc and she I'll get the hang of it. I think maybe she is trying, but struggling to settle on her own which is good, she is learning!

Any reflux? Teething? Food issues that could cause such frequent NW ATM or have they always been is frequent?

[Ebba]

I haven't dared to write for a few days... because on night 10 of sleep training, my daughter slept through the night.  Or until 5 in the morning when I gave her a bottle, and then she slept until 6.30.  And the same the next night.  And the next night.  And the next.  I was afraid of jinxing it!
Last night she woke up once in addition to the 4/5 am bottle wake up, and was a bit tricky to settle, but no biggie.

Such a miracle!  Now I have lots of motivation to continue!! Thanks for replying to my first post so quickly, so that I didn't quit.

Bedtime is still painful.  It takes 50 min to an hour every night, no matter when I start it seems.  She gets super tired and in the end is almost unconcious, but still standing.  Swaying but standing.  She's also taken to banging her hed against the rail of the bed.  I imagine because I intervene each time?  But I feel like I have to - she does it quite hard.

You mention GW being a better option - I thought that was sort of part of the PU/pd thing, that I would move on to that.  Could you explain a bit more what you mean?

She also now has lots of pacis in her bed, some that glow in the dark.  I didn't have a chance to teach her how to find them, as that night she slept through, but maybe she figured it out on her own.  Or maybe the paci was not the issue.

The NWs have always been frequent.  We have a vague memory of her sleeping 6 and 7 hours straight a few time when she was 2 months old.  And that's it :-)  Until now!!!

Teething? Seems to be a constant thing since she was 6 months :-)  She's got 8 coming at the moment:  4 molars and the 4 corner teeth (not sure what those are called in English, so am translating directly).  That's gotta bother her to some extent but it didn't seem to change her pattern, as it remained the same (as in equally bad).  And now she has actually slept through 4 nights.  Can't believe it happened in the end!!  Thanks again for motivating me!

[ZacsMumme]

Well done!
There will still be good and bad nights, and phases but now she has the tools to settle herself and can replug getting back to better nights when you have setbacks will be much easier!

Teeth are pretty nasty on sleep, if she is unsettled you can try teething gel and pain meds.