22 month old- bedtime & night regression and seemingly mummy separation anxiety

[Clairehv]

Hi,
We have a few things going on with our 22 month old daughter. Up to about two weeks ago E was seemingly very happy with me or DH doing anything for her. He would not only play, but do nappies and also at least 50% if not more of the bedtime routine. Either one of us would take her upstairs and start bathtime whist the other would tidy up, get her room ready, the milk ready etc, and she would quite happily kiss me nightnight and go into the bedroom with her daddy for bedtime.
Well 2 1/2 weeks ago she suddenly just flat refused to go upstairs with him, she got the the bottom step, realised I wasn't with them and then got hysterical. Also she just seems to want me all of the time at the moment, so if I don't stay in the room playing with them she looks for me etc, and needs to follow me everywhere.
So is separation anxiety common at 22 months? and is it common for it to start up suddenly.
We were quite worried as I do work away, but actually the one night I was away last week she didn't see me at all in the day and she was fine with him.
We are also along with that, getting flat refusal to get in the bath some nights, and she just runs into her room wanting her bottle ( I could deal with that if she went to sleep any quicker, but that's just a by-the-by really)

Second to the daddy refusal is then the occurrence at the same time of bedtime issues and nightwakings.
So up to about 2 weeks ago, E would have her bottle and story we would say night night and put into sleeping bag and lie down in cot and walk out and she would quietly settle herself within about 5 mins (90% time) we would get an occasional NW which I put down to teeth.

Now I can lie her in the cot and she either stands straight up crying mummy mummy, or if she stays lying down I need to stand in her room as if she looks up and I am not there she stands up and cries. Anyway typically she is taking 15-20 mins to settle with the occasional look ups or she will just say mummy and if she doesn't hear shhhh shhh sleepy time whispered from me then she gets upset.
Is the parent having to stand in the room a common occurrence ??
I actually don't mind that however I think what it is causing is Nws
Last night she was up at 2am (took 10 mins to resettle with me standing in room) and then 3.30am ( as if she had just looked around again after 1 hour and panicked as I wasn't there
Saturday night was 1.30am wake up and then 3am wake up with the second wake up always taking longer to settle ( and she asks for milk please which I gave in to as we were guests at a friends house and she really was crying for it)
Friday night she was up for 2.5 hrs... teeth perhaps? and again asking for milk.

We just feel a bit desperate on all fronts really, as everything is now on me, we are not splitting the night times anymore.
I have probably caused AP in the night by giving milk but can address that, it is really just the bedtime and then repeated night wakings- is this separation anxiety and do we just have to ride it out?

Help or hugs required x

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

How are her naps? Do you think it could be a combo of separation and maybe undertired if she needs a bit less day sleep? What time is nap & bedtime and when is she up? Sorry for more questions! With one of my DD's I did end up doing a lot of standing/sitting by the crib but when pregnant with DD2 I had DH handle all NW's near the end and she settled much better for him!

[Clairehv]

Hi
Her typical day is
wake up is between 7-7.30am
Nap 1pm-2.30/45pm
Bedtime 7pm- 7.15pm

We start bath routine at about 6.30pm.

To be honest we seem to get worse bedtimes if she is overtired and we were away over the weekend so she had only 1 hour nap on Saturday and 1.5 hours on Friday and 2 hours on Sunday and the refusal of daddy/ bath and then the messing at bedtime were the same.

Last night she went upstairs with him happily but as soon as he started running the bath she ran to the stairgate asking for me, and then refused to go into the bath. Had lots of messing about in the bedroom, refusing to get undressed or nappy on and then wanted to stand holding her bottle rather than sitting on my knee. Anyway calmed her down and did two stories, it then took 40 mins to settle her asleep, with a combination of a couple of times of relying her down and then standing inside door, and shhh shhh ing.

She slept last night from about 7.30pm-4.30am, woke up to her standing at end of cot, crying mummy mummy, I held her sitting in the rocking chair for 40 mins until she said night night then I lay her back in the cot and she settled by 5.30am- 7.15am. I tried to lie her back down a couple of times and she just gets straight back up crying.

Having read a lot I think it is common for nearly two years olds to have 1.5-2  nap and sleep 11-12 hours at night, also I know that children do need their nighttime sleep for good development, so its just a case of knowing what to do really.

I am considering hiding from about 5.30pm tonight so that DH can do bath and BT.

x

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

Why not get out for a walk or something while he deals with her so you can have a break?

Nap and nights vary so much kid to kid it is hard to say...my 11 month old has a 1 hr nap and 11 hr nights! Her sisters slept way more than that. The thing is if you are getting ew &/or nw and taking loads of time to settle then perhaps her day needs a tweak - ie capping the nap or pushng it a bit later and capping. Or teeth...does she have her last molars yet? 

[Clairehv]

Hi,
She doesn't have her back molars yet, I thought we were getting some wakes ups a couple of weeks ago due to teeth but these wakes ups seem different.

Yesterday evening, as she had woken up at 2.30pm after a 1hr 45 min nap we intended to start bathtime at 6.30pm, downstairs she watched 10 mins of in the nightgarden with a banana and drink, then we tried to read her a story but she kept saying night night and tried to playing lying down with the blanket on the floor, so we said okay before we do night nights we have a bath, lets all go upstairs for bath, she went upstairs happily with DH with me following but as soon as he walked into bathroom and said come on E lets get ready for the bath, she went bonkers and started crying, and just ran in to her room saying night night night night, so I said ok lets get ready for bed, and managed to wash her face and clean her teeth, then we had a fight about getting her into her nappy and Pjs. Then she refused to sit on my knee for her bottle, just stood in middle of room drinking, it, then wanted a book, then didn't then wouldn't get in her sleeping bag, anyway it all seemed a bit frantic really, so I tried to stay calm, and just said if you don't want milk or book or cuddles then it is time for night night, so I put her in her cot, and walked out. Obvious hysteria. Walked back in and said are you ready for milk now, and she did then get into her sleeping bag and sit on my knee for milk. She finished her bottle then asked for more! so sorted that out, and then lay her in cot, and stood inside door whilst she took 30 mins of rolling and moving her legs  a lot ( that is another concern of ours that she has restless legs buts thats for another post I think) before going to sleep, it took a couple of shhh and hand on her back from me in that time but she did stay in her cot.

She then woke at 2.45am, standing in cot, crying mummy, mummy, I went in and pciked up, and she asked for milk, please, milk please repeatedly. I did give her a small bottle, and then she went into cot and settled in about 10 mins so all in all was awake for about 40 mins.

Then she woke really crying at 5am! I brought her into bed with me, I just couldn't have another day at work like a zombie, she fell straight asleep in her bag under the duvet with me until 7am. The temp has dropped in the UK so I am going to try a 2.5 sleeping bag just to check she isn't cold as obviously body temp does drop between 3-5am and that seems to be when she is waking.

However we are at a loss on what to do, but writing it down makes me feel like I am doing something ........IYKWIM
x

[Clairehv]

Hi Just as a continuation,
When do people move their toddlers from sleeping bags to duvets?.
E moves her legs constantly when she is trying to get to sleep and she moves around a lot, I am wondering if the sleeping bag is annoying her around her legs, but then also don't know how she will sleep under a duvet as she moves so much.
Just after some advice x

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

I think my older two were done with the grobag by 18 months. DD3 is not in one for the summer (too hot) but will be in the fall unless she can manage a blanket. Environment could definitely be a factor!

[Clairehv]

Hi,
Well we got E into the bath last night but I took her upstairs rather than DH so she was happy, then it took an hour from bath to getting her asleep, again lots of messing about in bedroom. once she had had some milk I put her in sleeping bag and she lay in cot for the first 20 mins with her ewan sheep white noise on (that's how I know how long it is!, she kept saying mummy and looking up and I had to lie her down twice, just as I thought she was settling, she stood up and started asking for milk please, so I gave her some more and then in was another 20 mins cycle of her lying in cot and gradually saying mummy less and less until asleep.
She then woke at 12.30am, standing up and crying. I picked her up and sat on chair, she calmed down then asked for a drink, so I offered water and she started asking for milk?! (I gave it APing again)
Then 20 mins of me standing inside door, her lying down and saying mummy, or me having to lie her back down, she really started crying at one point when I had laid her down, but it was definitely a frustrated/angry cry so I just stood inside door. Then had to pat her back again, and she calmed down, I left room at 1.30 pm and lay on my bed, E stayed lying down with her head buried into mattress but said mummy repeated over and over until 2am, it was getting softer, then a final burst of getting more stressed at 2am where I went in and just put my hand on her back and she calmed, I left the room and she was asleep until 7.15.

So I have tried to do WI/WO but probably haven't pursued it long enough at bedtime as she just cries so much and seems to get so worked up that by doing that rather than standing in room it seems to take longer to get her to sleep. However do you think I need to get tougher and do the WI/WO and just accept that it may take two hours for her to  go to sleep?
Then how do I continue that at the NWs? If she is standing up crying do I just go in and say lie down, or do I physically lie her down, which seems to make her worse. ?

Also could she be hungry in the night? or is the asking for drink/milk just an attention thing, she has done that for 6 nights now?
Claire x

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

Tbh I wouldn't think hunger is a real issue, more that she is up and asking for it because she can and because she remembers you giving her some milk previous nights. With a child that old I would not lay them down but repeat a sleepy phrase and ask them to lay down. Since you are already doing sort of a gw sort of thing do you think that will work better for her than wi/wo?

[Clairehv]

Hi,
We had friends staying at the weekend which wasn't great for trying to implement any methods, however we have got to smoother bath and bed times albeit I have to do them. I still have to stand inside the door for 15-20 mins until she stays lying still and not looking up for 'mummy'.
We had NWs Friday and Saturday night, and then Sunday night she woke at 3am shouting mummy but was literally aslepp within a few mins of me picking her up.
She still won't let DH initiate bathtime and if he comes into her bedroom after bath she is saying bye bye Daddy, go Daddy, but he stays until she is in her PJs and then gives her a night night kiss (it's like she needs him out of the room)
So last night I left the house at 5.30pm before DH got home with her from childcare. Apparently they played nicely together, had a great bathtime, she was fine throughout getting dressed and story and bottle then as soon as he he put her in cot and said night night she got hysterical started asking for 'mummy' he held her and did several lay downs and WI/WO but mainly held as she was so upset until she fell asleep 40 mins later.
However last night was the first night she has slept through the night in about 3 weeks, since all of the mummy needing started!

Clearly not practical for me to hide every night but may try it for a few nights to see if she'll accept DH happily at bedtime

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

My kids all have gone in phases of wanting mommy or daddy at particular times and not wanting the other at all! Hopefully a few jights with just daddy will do the trick.

[ZacsMumme]

Clare w are going through the exact same stuff with T ATM.
Bath fear and refusals that have never happened before.
Attached to me like a limpet. Screaming murder if my mum, MIL OR DH take him anywhere.
Calling for me all the time if I am out of sight running after me if I am in sight.
Only wanting mummy to do BT etc.

So...your not alone lovely and I do think this is developmental as our sleep is otherwise ok (touch wood)

[Clairehv]

Hi ZM,
Nice to hear from you again.
Yes there is just not even a chance that she'll let DH do bath on his own if I am in the house. It must be developmental and it is just such a shame it has disrupted her sleep again when we had had 2 months of real calm and STTN.
Last night she woke at midnight screamed for milk but then fell back asleep as soon as I had given her some, growth spurt perhaps??

Anyway I think I am resigned to being tired for the rest of my days, and this has yet again put me off going anywhere thinking about number 2 !!

[Hellomama]

Hi clairehv
I stumbled across your post and have a 18mo going thru a very similar situation. I was wondering how you were going and what you have done so far to resolve the problem. Any updates would be great. Thanks.

[Clairehv]

Hi.
Her bedtimes resolved themselves after about 5 weeks. One night I lay her down as normal and walked out expecting the hysterics and they didn't happen and we have had about 3-4 weeks of good bedtimes and nights. Not 100% but a major improvement. So I am not sure if anything worked or if it was a phase but just try and be consistent. I just did a form of GW I suppose I then she seems happy to settle herself in the room without me now. Good luck and don't lose hope