When my DS was younger I found an article about crying. I wish I'd seen it sooner as it totally changed my understanding and approach. Up until that point I had felt (as the writer said) that it was my job to stop him crying, after reading the article I realised I did not need to stop him crying, that is his voice, his communication and what he has to say matters, he may have his say, his opinion and his complaints - just as an adult may have their say and complaints - I did not need or even desire to shut him up, I didn't want to give him the message that he couldn't have his say. My job was to listen and be there. I thought a lot about how I would treat a very close friend if she was complaining, crying, frustrated. I would *listen* and sympathise, I wouldn't try to stop her getting it off her chest by distracting her with something else, imagine this:
- friend screaming with sadness and frustration: "I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it, he never listens to me, I've had enough of him..."
- me: "shall we go to the cinema? That might distract you."
I tried out a method where instead of trying to stop DS crying I held him, or sat right near him which ever he preferred and made all the 'listening' sounds that I would make to an adult "yes, aha, ahem, mmmm, yes, I hear you, aha" (imagine hearing someone on the phone, you can only hear their 'aha ahum' sounds which tell the caller they are listening). If I thought I had a clue what he was frustrated about I also said this, for instance "I know you want to get up, you're really frustrated it's night time" "yes sweetie, I hear you, you're angry, I know, you want to get up now, I hear you, aha, ahem..."
It turned out my DS had quite a lot on his mind and a lot to say about it...and when he felt fully heard he abated. He seemed different after, he hadn't just stopped crying/screaming with those angry feelings trapped inside him, he had had his full say and was calm in a new way, a heard way.
Something to think about. Basically I am saying (in many more words) what Katherine has also said, "not trying to get the screaming to stop" and "seeing the screaming in itself as the problem means you won't ever address the real issue".
I will add, there have been a few times my DS has worked himself up so strongly that I have eventually suggested to him we do some breathing together and calm down a little, that I will still listen, he can still have his say, but let's take a breath because I don't want him to get so caught up in the emotion that he can't come out of it or becomes sick. This too is similar to something I might say to an adult friend. Hysterics are not a great way to off-load the bad feelings, where as crying releases stress and talking about it helps us feel heard.
Although my DS was younger when my understanding and approach to his cries/verbal complaints changed, I truly believe it is never too late. I also felt much better in myself when I understood this and tried the method, I felt calmer and more able to cope with his complaints because my job was not to stop him. Previously I'd felt like such a failure, and then caught up in my own sad feelings of failing and guilt, afterwards I felt far more successful, calmer, able to cope.
WRT the gro clock. If you are having difficulty sourcing one, how about a digital timer plugged into a lamp socket? I've always used a timer with a lamp and it's worked marvellously for us.
Hope you have a good day xx
