15 month old sleep issues

[heather8844]

No other way to say it other than I am at my wit's end. My 15 month old DD has horrible nightime sleeping. She has never been a good sleeper and I admit that DH and I resorted to cosleeping (please don't judge) to get sleep. We both were working full time. I recently quit my job to focus on my DD. So here are my issues:
1) she will not sleep without my husband or I
2) she will not sleep in her crib
3) she will not go to sleep on her own - she will only go to sleep with a bottle when my husband or I are holding her.
4)she still wakes up between 1 & 3 am for a bottle
5) for the last two weeks the  middle of the night feeding she has stayed awake for more than two hours.
I try not to make these night wakings eventful in anyway.
Please send suggestions!!! I am the only one who takes care of her at night and now durimg the day too and I am running on fumes because our nights are so messed up.

HELP!!!!

[Truly Blessed]

Hi Sweetie, oh bless your heart

DH and I resorted to co sleeping (please don't judge) to get sleep.

We don't do judging here at BW Sweetie Lots of families co sleep and if it suits everyone, that is fine. Okay, so don't stress, take a deep breathe, we can get her through this together  .

I would suggest using the method 'Gradual Withdrawal' are you familiar with it at all    Here is a link for you to take a look at.

Walk In/Walk Out vs. The Gradual Withdrawal Method (HOW TO CHOOSE)

We can work through it together, and it will work. I used this with DS when I first found BW, he was 10 months old, suffering awful teething pain and I had resorted to nursing him back to sleep. He woke every 1.5 hours through the night, and when I placed him back in his cot he would usually wake immediately, I was completely mentally and physically exhausted. With GW he was sleeping through the night in his cot by night 3. Because DD has never been an independent sleeper, it may take a little longer, but she is capable, it's just a matter of consistency until she learns 'the new way.'

Have a read through the link and if you're happy to proceed we'll get cracking. It's great to have a plan!

x.

[heather8844]

I read the article and everything sounds wonderful... I just have no idea where to start. DD has never been  the best sleeper and never slept in her crib. Every time I try to lay her down she screams bloody murder. I cannot stand to hear her cry. I tried CIO and one night was all it took for me to know i cannot put my child through that - she made herself physically ill from crying. DH and I were fine with Co sleeping until about a month ago when she started flipping and flopping all through the night. I just know that ever morning when he wakes up tired, I wake up tired and DD wakes up tired I feel so guilty that I can't figure out how to help her get through the night or at least learn to self soothe. Any suggestions on where to start?

[Truly Blessed]

Hi Sweetie,

I tried CIO and one night was all it took for me to know i cannot put my child through that - she made herself physically ill from crying.

Tracy Hogg was very much against CIO, as are we here at BW, I am so happy that you found it wasn't for you, it goes against every instinct you have as Mother doesn't it. You are not alone in having tried it Hun, it tends to come up first in any google search unfortunately.

I wake up tired and DD wakes up tired I feel so guilty that I can't figure out how to help her get through the night or at least learn to self soothe. Any suggestions on where to start?

I would suggest gradual withdrawal. Remember it's okay for a LO to cry, it's their only way of communicating before they can talk. The difference being if you are with them they don't feel alone, and they know Mammy is there despite their protests.

Is this a good time for you to get started  We can start as soon as you're ready.

Lots of (HUGS)

x.

[heather8844]

Ready willing and able!!! Where should I begin? Where do I start?

[Truly Blessed]

Okay Sweetie, here's the plan 

We'll go with Gradual Withdrawal, and you need to be able to do the same thing for all sleeps, ie: naps too. To start with you will place her in her cot at sleep time. Put a chair next to her and sit sideways, this is so that you don't have eye contact all the time, it helps LO's to settle. Choose a sleepy phrase which you will repeat when necessary for eg: our's is "Sleepy time Darling" so something along those lines. Only use the sleepy phrase and keep it to a minimum, you will use it more at first. Don't make eye contact when at all possible. No doubt she is is going to protest, and be standing up in her crib crying, if you want to you can try to lay her down a couple of times so she knows what you want her to do, however with this age IME it's best to let them do it themselves in the long run, because lying her down means she is getting your attention by standing up so it's not as effective. If she has favourite toys in his crib he will probably throw them out to engage you so the first time hand them/it straight back then afterwards keep it for one minute/2 minutes and so on, adding a minute every time, she will eventually stop, trust me I invented this method lol.

You may think me mean saying this, but Tracy recommended it, have some in ear plugs ready Hun. You need to be calm and the pitch of a child crying can make you cave in, so ear plugs mean you can still hear her, but it helps you get through.

I would expect it to take up to a couple of hours on night 1 Sweetie, but every night afterwards will get better, however sometimes LO's can surprise you, it may be faster.

The main thing is that you need to believe this will work and be absolutely resolute with no going back! She will pick up on that I promise you and it will speed things up. Remember it's okay that she will sometimes be crying, because you are there for her.

When she eventually falls asleep, wait!!! You will be dying to get out lol, but you need to be sure she is in a deep enough sleep and that will be after 15 mins minimum, more likely 20, make sure the light outside of her room is dim for when you leave.

When she wakes in the night, repeat the process. This can be difficult when you're sleepy, but it is usually a lot faster. I would start in the evening Hun, then by the time you get to the next evening you have already done nap/naps so she will be getting the message by then.

By night 4 my Son slept through the night, this works! Things are going to be getting so much better for you all Honey

So, could you please send me her routine so we can check that's in order too, and give me your thoughts.

x.

[heather8844]

Will this also work if she is still taking a bottle at between 1 am and 3 am?
Schedule will come a little later ... in the car riding home .

[Truly Blessed]

Will this also work if she is still taking a bottle at between 1 am and 3 am?

No Honey, can you stop the night time milk and just give her some water in her crib 

Will this also work if she is still taking a bottle at between 1 am and 3 am?
Schedule will come a little later ... in the car riding home .

Sorry, can you explain this further 

x.

[Truly Blessed]

Hi Hun, I was pushed for time this morning, so want to explain further. WRT the bottle feeding at night, I am presuming this is something that you would like to stop as she doesn't actually need it any more. If you were to keep it up, then it would train her to still wake in the night therefore hindering your chances of success with the sleep training, so IME it is much better to deal with it all at once. A lot of parents switch to a sippy cup in the crib, as did I when ST DS at 10 months, because I was concerned that he may actually be thirsty and that allowed me to rule it out which put my mind at rest on the issue.

Schedule will come a little later ... in the car riding home .

Were you referring to her nap, due to commitments to be out of the house at that time 

x.

[heather8844]

Sorry I meant I would send her schedule at a later time because I was in the car and was getting car sick lol.

I did try sitting by her crib last night. Mixed results I guess. She cried and cried. She is literally hoarse today. She would only go to sleep if I was touching her - which I am not sure from your original suggestion is appropriate... she woke up 3 times. The last time she was awake for over 3 hours and would not go back down. (I think she is trying to cut some molars on top of fighting a recent weather change). I finally took her into the room where I have a Co sleeping pad for the last 3 hrs of the night. We are trying again tonight. She is in her crib now in and out of sleep (to fight the congestion brought on by who knows what we have the cool mist humidifier on and I gave her chamomile and mint tea with a tad bit of honey - hoping this helps). Waiting the 20 mins.

Her schedule:
Monday, Wednesday,  & Friday - Sunday:
630 - wake up, diaper change, playtime (usually running around the house chasing the dogs lol)
730 - clean up (wash hands) & breakfast for DD and mommy
815 - clean up, diaper change and get ready for the day (clothes)
830 - more playtime - learning toys (she is really into stacking and sorting right now).
930 - naptime for about an hour
1030 - wake up, diaper change, run around in the house time
1130 - wash hands and lunch
1200 - clean up and if possible outside activity (walk in stroller or go to playground)
100 - come home, diaper change, wind down a little
200 - nap # 2 for about an hour and a half
330 - wake up, diaper change, playtime
400 - small snack
600 - dinner with mommy and daddy
700 - bathtime (I have not found a way to incorporate bedtime stories because she will not sit still and the struggle to get off of my lap wakes her up)
730 - nighttime bottle with daddy (currently this is happening in the living room and yes I plan on that no longer occurring)
900 - move to mommy and daddy's bed for the night (**the last two nights the move has been to the crib)
From there she is very random about when she wakes up. I would love to drop the overnight bottle but was not sure if it was ok to do so.

Tuesday & Thursday:
Pretty much the same except she goes to daycare
The only real exception is that at daycare she is taking only one 2 hour nap.
Other than that I have tried to mimic my schedule on the daycare schedule.

I do have questions please:
- should I pat her to sleep?
- at anytime should I pick her up?
- is it ok to play music while she is going to sleep - it does not play all night but quite honestly she can turn it on if she wakes up...
- how do I ween her off of the overnight bottle - cold turkey?  One nigh the bottle the next water or more gradually?

thank you so much for the advice and taking your time to help!!!!

[heather8844]

So far DD has been awake since 1130 pm - it is now 140 am. She is just laying in her crib. What do I do? I am so tired. This is night 3 of this and honestly I get migraines and one of my triggers is lack of sleep (stress is another). How do I know if this is working? She has been crying/screaming again and I don't know how much more her voice can handle.
I just feel so horrible right now... I want her rested and how can she be with multiple nights of being awake for several hours.

I am sorry to sound so dramatic I really am. I just really want to do what is best for DD.

[Truly Blessed]

Hello Sweetie,

Okay, first of all usually for a LO of her age the day would be 13 hours long maximum, even with the 2 naps, so she is probably over tired which won't help at BT. So that would give her a 7.30 BT.

She cried and cried. She is literally hoarse today. She would only go to sleep if I was touching her - which I am not sure from your original suggestion is appropriate...

Oh sweetie, bless you, I know ho hard it is  most of us do, but it is completely normal for her to cry and expected. She has never known any other way. It helped me to try and think of it as her only way of talking to you, she is just saying "Mammy! what's going on, this is not how we do things. But you are there with her, she is not feeling abandoned.

I finally took her into the room where I have a Co sleeping pad for the last 3 hrs of the night. We are trying again tonight.

As hard as it is, you really need to stick with it Hun and not do this. Because basically she cried herself hoarse for nothing, and you sent her the message that if she does that you will go back to the way things were. Then it becomes harder from then on. I am sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, it's just the way things are.

WRT her maybe teething and feeling under the weather, it's really important that you pick the right time Hun, both for DD and yourself.

Questions answered:

If you believe she needs you to be hands on that is fine. If at all possible try and place your hand on her without patting first, then pat if she needs it. You can gradually withdraw the hands on as she adjusts.

It is best not to pick her up, but rather give her a cuddle in her cot, if she is standing up. you can try and  lay her back down and say your sleepy phrase.

IMO the less props you use the better, so IIWM I wouldn't play the music at all and put it out of reach.

The bottle I would go cold turkey with and switch for the sippy cup. My feeling is that if you deal with all the issues together it is easier for all of you in the long run Sweetie, rather than stringing it out.

So far DD has been awake since 1130 pm - it is now 140 am.

Very difficult, but not unusual. Because she has never been an IS (independent sleeper) and been co sleeping, this was always going to be a little more lengthy and tricky, but Sweetie, I promise you it can be done with patience and time.

I get migraines and one of my triggers is lack of sleep (stress is another). How do I know if this is working?

I suffer too do you remember me saying to get ear plugs    have you got them 

You know it will work, because it has done for so many children before her, and I am with you every step of the way. Focus on the end result and how you will all feel when you are getting so much more restful sleep. It is short term pain for long term gain.

I just feel so horrible right now... I want her rested and how can she be with multiple nights of being awake for several hours.

She'll cope Honey, there's nothing you can do to change it, but stick with it and one morning you will wake up and run in worrying that she has slept through and is she okay!!! 

I am sorry to sound so dramatic I really am. I just really want to do what is best for DD.

Not at all! you can be as dramatic as you want with me, I am a professional entertainer and unshockable!

To summarise, you must believe this will work, be resolute and confident, get your ear plugs!!! drink plenty caffeine and check in with me as often as you like 

Okay, hit me with it!!!  thoughts 

Lots of (HUGS)

x.

[*Ali*]

I just wanted to pop in and add hugs and say hang in there. You are getting fab advice from Vicki already. You need to think of it as short term pain for long term gain. A few nights of being consistent and you will both be getting the rest you need.

[heather8844]

DD started playing with her music box last night so that was taken away. I gave her a bottle with water - tonight will be the sippy cup. She finally went down @ 230 & slept until 630.

[*Ali*]

Well done.