Hello all,
I am new here so I hope I am doing the right thing by replying to this post instead of creating a new topic, since we are confronted with a similar problem and, although in theory I know what to do, I have no idea how to actually implement it. I am from Romania (yes, that land far, far away
and have recently become a fan of Tracy's books and methods, being the mom of a sleepless little girl. But I apologize if I don't know all acronyms or if my English is not perfect. I also apologize because this is going to be a long post, but I want to explain everything clearly and I'm also desperate and overtired so cannot structure my ideas very clearly. Sorry for that.
So as I was saying, we are facing mainly the same problem: our 17 months old daughter wakes up several times a night and needs me to get her back to sleep. ME, not daddy who is very frustrated that he cannot help, but she just won't settle with him. She doesn't even go to sleep or nap with him as long as I'm at home. So I wake up several times a night, go to her room and sometimes lie there on the floor because she wakes up when I try to leave. This is new in a way, since until a couple of months ago I would put her to her crib at night and she would sleep from 9 pm to 7 in the morning with no waking (yes, I stayed with her until she fell asleep so probably this is the root cause). Or she woke up when teething, but this only lasted a couple of days always. Now, it seems this is endless and I am ssssooo tired since it's always me waking up and also putting her to sleep in the evening. And sometimes it takes 40 minutes for her to settle and fall asleep (in the evening, not during the night).
She has always slept less than her age average, for instance her naps are rarely longer than 1.30 hours and has only one daily nap since she turned 1. And even if she sleeps more, after 1h - 1.30 h she wakes up and again I have to go and get her back to sleep. But after having struggled with it for weeks and weeks (with desperate crying and trying for 45 minutes to get her back to sleep after short 20 minutes naps) I decided that this is how much sleep she needs and that's it. It was ok when she slept at night. Or when daddy could get her to sleep, too. But now it's only "mama mama mama" a hundred times a day and a night and it's getting to me, I'm nervous and frustrated all the time and there are moments when I look at the window and think how quiet everything would be if I just threw myself through it. I swear I'm not exaggerating, this is how desperate I am.
In Romania, there is this culture of "slave moms", meaning you should not complain nor try to change your baby's patterns, just bear with him/her "and s/he'll grow out of it" So whenever I complain about how tired or sleepless I am, someone's there to explain me how I should be patient and it'll go away and making me feel weak for not being able to sacrifice myself for my baby. And it's natural for the father not to do anything, for the mums to be everywhere and anywhere and so on. So I'm considered lucky that my husband shares everything equally and silly to complain hat it's still not ok. This is all making me feel even worse, but I know things are not normal that way, not in the 21st century and when you are working full time, just like your husband or just like those parents with grown-up children who are so good at telling me to be patient.
My God, I'm beyond the point! So back to our sleeping ritual: it's quiet play for 15 minutes before bedtime, then a bath or not, we put PJs on, read a few books, drink a bottle of milk (both in my lap while sitting in a bean bag), then we turn off the light, she takes her teddy bear (a baby owl in fact), I hold her a bit then she wants to lie in the crib. And I lie on the carpet beside her crib and then it starts: she swivels in all directions, she puts her legs through the bars, throws the owl at me, reaches for my hand, cries "sleepy sleepy", sometimes she whines for me to pat her on the back, then I pat her but she starts moving around again, sometimes she wants back in my arms for a couple of minutes and so on). And it goes like this for 20-30 minutes until she gradually settles down and falls asleep. I don't even try to cover her up until she's asleep, because she'll end up with all the blanket under her or wrapped chaotically around her. If I try to ignore her, she gets up and starts crying and calling for me. I know I should probably do the gradual withdrawal, but I don't know exactly how: if I replace the lying beside her with the chair, what do I do next? Do I ignore her? Do I put her back in whenever she gets up or moves around ? I cannot understand how should I move further from the crib since I have to put her back or pat her to settle every other minute. So I'm practically by her bedside anyway. and then when she wakes up at night, should I let her cry for one minute and then go and calm her down, get out for one minute and so on? I remember having read this in an interview of Tracy, but I'm not sure it applies to us.
I should also add that it seems to be worse when she naps less, for instance yesterday she woke up after 45 minutes at naptime (1.45 - 2.30), she was perfectly fine for the rest of the day, she fell asleep at 9.15 but woke up countless times through the night. Plus we have just started going to day care and I leave her crying for me every morning there. Maybe I should wait a bit, it;s not the best time to start sleep training, too? The thing is it seems never to be the best time and I am practically at my wits' end, it seems these past months have been an endless nightmare, we are always striving to get through the day, waiting for those 1-2 hours of peace between 9 and 11 p/m/ when she starts fussing around.
I know you'll say 9 pm is a late bedtime hour for her, but in Romania most babies go to bed around 10 p.m. so she is the earliest of almost all the children we know and I'm not sure I could manage to get her to bed earlier anyway. Plus, it does not suit our schedule at all, we wouldn't be able to go anywhere or do anything in the afternoons. Oh, her sleep routine is this: wake-up around 7.30, naptime: 1.30 - 3.00 p.m. and bedtime routine starts around 8.
Also, I am an interpreter so sometimes I am away from home for a couple of days at a time. Then she is ok to stay with daddy, but keeps calling me constantly and settles much more difficult. the same if I go out in the evening and she is left with daddy. My dearest husband, he is doing all he can and suffers so much that she rejects him, but it's always a struggle without me around. And this is although he has been involved in her life since the minute she was born and is always around. How could we change this, also?
Please, please, I'm begging you to help me, I would pay to talk to a sleep consultant in Romania, but they aren't much good, I've tried once and half the time she told me things I had already read and the other half asked me questions about what I had already explained in the registration form. So this is my last hope, or else I hope I'll make it through until she actually grows out of it, like everyone is telling me.
Thank you so much and... you have no idea how much this forum and Tracy's books have helped me see that I'm not a bad mother or person for wanting some peace and quiet for me, although I am a mom. God bless you!