Hugs. I know it can be frustrating and feel like you don't know what to do.
I think we are in different time zones so I'm afraid I'm unable to respond quickly when you post. Just keep telling yourself you will get through this. Rest when you can x
OK. I think you might be putting her down a little too soon. Fear of OT is one of the things that gets many of us in a tizz when tweaking routines and can lead to a series of UT naps. Honestly I'd choose OT over UT any day of the week, been there with a grumpy baby who was tired but not tired enough to sleep, or stay asleep, it's not pretty.
If you look back at the start of the thread, your first post and my first response, she had a 3hr A time in the afternoon. I suggested keeping that at 3 hrs, you have tried shorter A times and getting shorter naps I'd suggest going back to the 3hr afternoon A time.
So a plan:
WU
First A 2hr 45 - resettle if needed (btw the 30 min WU where you helped her resettle can be UT, it is very hard to tell by times alone but don't automatically assume OT on that re-settle, okay?)
Nap 1 - hopefully 1hr 30
Second A 3hr - shorten to 2hr 45 if first nap was less than 1hr 30 - resettle if needed
Nap 2 - hopefully 1hr 30 to 2hr
Third A - 2hr 45 to 3hrs
BT. BT may be a bit early if the naps have not been great. It is normal to need EBT when nap dropping.
In a couple of days you may be able to extend that first A time up to 3hrs. To be comfortably on 2 naps you would need to be very close to 3hr A time and 1.5hr naps. If naps are longer she may be able to keep the slightly shorter first and last A if she prefers them.
If you get very short naps and cannot re-settle give a third CN, you might cap it to maintain a relatively good A time to BT and stay on track (rather than long nap, long A then late BT).
EBT - can be your friend in nap drop. In the example you gave of yesterday she woke at 3pm how to get to BT, either a short CN or EBT of 6pm (this is a 3hr A time). She may sleep over night 13hrs to make up for the lost sleep the day before. It's always handy to know how your LO responds to EBT anyway.
This is a typical time for sleep disturbance because LO are nap dropping. A times increase rapidly at this age and as I said before fear of OT is likely to be your enemy. Trust that she *can* do longer naps when she is good and tired.
You asked about nap length. LOs have a sleep cycle of (usually) 40 or 45 mins. Generally I see those with a cycle length of 45 mins doing 2 cycles so a 1.5hr nap. Those with a 40 min cycle (my DS) do 3 cycles so a 2hr nap. They wake naturally at the end of a cycle. Either is fine.
If you feel your presence is too stimulating and she is calm you can leave her, I always said to mine "I'll go now so you can sleep properly, call if you need me". If she's crying though you need to return. This may sound a little unusual but I've been known to (more than once) apologise to my DS for being there "I'm sorry, I know you don't really want me here but I can't leave you upset on your own. If you can be calm when I go then I'll leave you to go to sleep but if you are crying I need to come back, I can't leave you alone like that."
When I am in with him I may have a hand on him, still and firm, or stroking, or I may just sit nearby and repeat a key phrase for reassurance. It really depends on how upset he is or what the problem is. Remember your presence is to maintain the bond of trust, so she knows you are there and she is safe, if shush/pat or something else helps her to calm and sleep then great, if not then remember it is not your job to *make* her sleep, only to be there for her during her struggles. I hope this helps.
