18 mo mess. Where do I start?

[Mjaz]

My daughter T is my 3rd and I've never had trouble like this.  It's probably important to note she was born with heart issues and I coddled her for the first year till she was cleared of health problems. 

She's on 1 nap.  Does 2-3 hours.  No problem.

But her demeanor during the day is insane - whines/cries all day.  Seems insanely bored.
And then bedtime.  It takes forever.  We have to hold her down for her to settle.  Literally.
Then she's up.  A lot.  Early. Late.  Sometimes every hour.

I'm sincerely losing myself - sick, sleepless, angry.

Please help me.  I don't know where to start! 😩

[creations]

Hi there

Is it possible you just wiped the 18 month regression from your mind with your other two? I only have 1 child and I still can remember the 18 month regression (which started at 16 months here) but I know I don't feel the full strength of just how hard it was when I look back on it. At the time it seems all consuming, a couple of years later it's like a blip on the time line of development.

It's really common for babies this age to have the sleep regression, it's a pretty huge developmental leap at the half birthday, it can also show itself as SA, whining, fussing, and general irritability and poor humour.  then there's teething on top of all that which can go on and on for an age before the teeth finally cut.  Language development too...a real whole heap of stuff that LOs are going through at this point.
The general advice is to stick with your routine, respond to the SA with as much mummy time and understanding as possible, medicate for teeth if it helps, and wait it out. It will pass.

There's a support thread if you'd like the chance to chat and commiserate with other mums going through the same?
18 month sleep regression support thread-part 3

[Mjaz]

That's reassuring.  I'm like a zombie, so!  Maybe I have blocked it out hahaha.  I will join the thread - thank you!

[creations]

No problem.
Do post again if you'd like specific help or if the support thread is too quiet and you need some extra commiserations.

Hang in there. It will pass xx

[Domestic Engineer]

Well, it makes sense that she's whiny all day if she's not sleeping at night!

How long has she been having trouble sleeping? Is trouble at bedtime new, or has she always been difficult to put down? Has she ever slept through the night? What happens when she wakes up - do you feed her, hold her, rock her, ignore her?

How do you put her down for her nap, when she sleeps well?

[Buntybear]

Hi, if she is not sleeping well at night no doubt she is tired in the day time and this can of course cause irritability 

Is she an independent sleeper normally? I take it that she is 18 months old now?

[Mjaz]

Thank you!
She is 18 months.
Never been a good sleeper.
Tried meds last night, she woke every hour.
When she wakes, we say "shh" and put a hand on her back - she goes right back.
She has STTN maybe 10 times in her whole life.

[Domestic Engineer]

If you're trying meds, do you think that there might be some physical reason that she's waking so often?

What happens if you don't go into her room right away? How quickly do you go in when you hear her stir? Are you giving her a chance to resettle herself?

[Mjaz]

We wondered about molars.  She has gotten all her teeth on the early side.  And she drools at times.  Ha.
Yes, we wait.  She resettles 1/20 times, I'd say.  If we don't go in she screams her head off and wakes her brothers

[creations]

It's a prime time for second year molars.  We literally had 3 days of bliss after the canines stopped disturbing sleep and giving pain before the second year molars started and it went on for way too long.
Do you use white noise or have you ever tried it? Or a recording of your "shh" played on repeat? She may be able to self settle more easily if she heard the familiar sound even without your hand on her.

[Buntybear]

Have you tried any sleep training with her yet? Might be worth thinking about some gradual withdrawal. Although you cannot expect many results if going through the 18 month sleep regression but you can start implementing some strategies at least x

[Mjaz]

Yes I'd like to sleep train and I've been trying to do less and less...but I'm not sure where to start.  She acts like a crazy person if someone doesn't stay near her at bedtime - sometimes physically holding her to help her settle... 

[Buntybear]

I would start with a good solid wind down. Do you have the chance to do bath, PJs, teeth, stories etc? I would work out what your plan is and then stick to it if you can - or as near as you can!

This is roughly how we did but you can make your own tweaks to suit you and your LO. I would get her into bed, stories, lights out and then songs so it is dark but you are still there. Use your sleepy phrase or say good night whatever you do. Then stay in the room but stay as quiet as possible. Don't look at her - even face away if you need to. With Olly he was very dependent on touch so we had to wean that away as well. If she is used to the sound of your voice then we would use a shhing noise. This is quote good so when you get to the point that you are out of the room you can shh from the doorway instead of having to return.

Then gradually you back out of the room getting further and further away until you are out of the room!

Hope some if this helps!

[Domestic Engineer]

I would definitely work toward getting her to go to sleep more independently as a first step, especially because if she cries at bedtime it won't disrupt her siblings as much as if she were crying in the MOTN. You need to stop physically holding her down to help her settle, even if she does act like a crazy person at bedtime for a while. Is she still in a crib? Maybe you could check out "No Cry Toddler Sleep Solution." Or another sleep training book with specific chapters about starting with toddlers.

[creations]

Or Secrets of the Baby Whisperer For Toddlers

There's also some info from Pantley's NCSS here
Gentle Removal Plan
specifically this
HELP YOUR BABY TO FALL BACK TO SLEEP ON HER OWN

I do think during the 18 month regression is a very tricky time to begin sleep training, even the most independent sleepers at this age are already going through rather a lot of disturbance.

[Mjaz]

Thank you ladies.  We do the full wind-down, but maybe I should try more of it in her crib - like singing to her?  I sit next to her crib with my hand on her back and facing the other way.  We don't make eye contact.  She just seems to want/need me to have my hand on her back.  If I don't she's standing jumping up and down and yelping.  Ugh!  I will check the links.  And I agree - this is probably a terrible time to train, but I have to try something!  Thank you!!!

[creations]

She just seems to want/need me to have my hand on her back.

The idea with BW or the no-cry sleep solution, which are very similar, is to gradually wean this need so she has the confidence to fall to sleep without your hand there.
Many times we can get a bit carried away with our soothing/reassuring method (whatever that is) and because we are likely very tired ourselves it is so easy to go into a kind of 'hand on back and go into a daze' state.  I suggest for beginning the sleep training gradual wean that you try to remain absolutely vigilant to her movements and breathing so that as she gets settled and drowsy, beginning to nod off you reduce the pressure of your hand. For the first stage she can still fall to sleep with your hand on her, but a slightly lighter touch, if she fusses you can add a little more pressure again to give the reassurance but then reduce again as soon as she begins to calm or nod.  This may happen several times in one BT and that's fine the idea is in the end she falls to sleep with a lighter touch. Then move on a step, next BT begin again with the firm touch but more quickly reduce the pressure, again if she fusses increase, then decrease.  It's a gradual process of reduction with constant reassurance.  The ultimate aim of course (a few steps down the line) is for her to go into the cot, for you to do a brief hand on her and leave the room.
There is actually one bonus to beginning it now which is that her BTs are pretty rubbish anyway so she is already losing sleep.  Often parents are afraid of a gradual wean because it is likely to cause a bit of lost sleep as LO doesn't fall to sleep quite as quickly when these reduction steps are in place - until they have adapted to it that is.

Buntybear has suggested shushing so she can hear the sound of your voice, if you find shushing bothers her (some don't like shushing at this age) try introducing a key phrase, something like "everything is ok, it's sleepy time" and repeat this. This is the equivalent to shushing as eventually you can use the verbal reassurance from outside the door if/when needed.

let us know how you get on.

[Mjaz]

Sounds likes a very doable plan.  Thank you.  I'm on it.  The last few days she's changed things up, of course.  She's been STTN but waking at 4:45am screaming and crying.  Wakes my sons up.  And we haven't been able to get her back to sleep.  Sigh.  I don't know which scenario is worse.  And I'm not sure what the screaming is about!  She acts like she wants to nurse, but I finished weaning her a couple weeks back.  Ideas?  Thank you so much.

[creations]

Sorry honey my ideas remain the same, teeth and/or developmental related to the 18 month regression.  Honestly mine was independent sleeper from about 8 wks old, needed help through teething and illness of course but generally self settled. the 18 month regression had us tearing our hair out, start at 16 months here.
Perhaps others have other ideas...but to me the night waking and screaming sound like developmental dreams, there is so much processed during sleep.  We had huge language leaps which were major sleep disturbers too...but it's lovely at the end when they come out with new words!

[Buntybear]

Hi - have to agree with Creations last postings. She has described how we weaned Olly from having a hand on him basically. Just lighter and lighter until it is your presence only she needs. Then again remove that gradually too x

[Domestic Engineer]

In addition to the gradual hand-weaning process, I wanted to add another suggestion - maybe if she likes pressure on her back when she's falling asleep, a tightly tucked blanket would help her feel secure. At 18 months, I think a blanket in the crib is safe. You could tuck it into the bottom of the mattress on both sides so that it's snug around her - maybe that pressure would help her stay calm and keep lying down during bedtime and night wakings. Just something else to try.

[Mjaz]

Thank you!  We're trying! 😝