Sudden trouble at bedtime

[Domestic Engineer]

My son is 16 months old. He has always been a good sleeper, and we've been gradually increasing sleep independence so that now he goes down for naps and the night by himself - we try to do some things like reading or quiet toys in the hour before bed, we put on his pajamas, he says good-night, then we take him into his room, he shuts off his light and closes his door, we put him down in his crib, he snuggles in and we leave. It's great!

On Sunday night, though, he absolutely refused to be put in his crib. My husband usually does bed time, and Henry was perfectly happy when he was holding him, but as soon as he went in the crib, he started wailing. He's done this the last four nights. The first night we babied him since it was so out of character and we assumed something was wrong, so he finally went to sleep with Daddy holding him on the couch. The second night DH rocked him to sleep. The third night, he rocked him for a little while until he was drowsy then put him down and left. He cried for about 10 minutes and was asleep. Last night, the fourth night, we tried leaving him, but after 15 minutes he wasn't calming down, so we both went in, we held him for a minute until we stopped crying, then we put him in his crib and sang him a few songs until he was calm, then we left. He wailed again but was asleep within 10-15 minutes.

This is a problem on several levels - we don't want to get into bad bed time habits, especially since I'm seven months pregnant. It's obviously hard on Henry, and I don't like to see him so sad at bed time. Also, it's depriving him of sleep. Some mornings I've been able to let him sleep in to make up for it, but some mornings we had to leave.

Any thoughts on what could be causing this sudden change? I don't think he's sick, as he's perfectly happy during the day, and I've checked that he has no fever at night. I've looked in his mouth and don't see any tooth bumps, so I don't think he's teething, either. There haven't been any changes in our day time routine recently.

How should I handle this going forward? Is it appropriate to leave a toddler to cry if he won't go to sleep any other way? Should we assume he needs us for some reason and keep holding him until he goes to sleep? Try sitting in the room while he cries himself to sleep? It takes him much, much longer to go to sleep if we're in the room with him.

[weaver]

I would not be leaving him alone to cry, hun. It's perilously close to Crying It Out, ie just leaving him to cry til he falls asleep. I would stay in the room with him for now, and preserve the bond of trust you have. We do not support either Crying It Out, or Controlled Crying on this site, because both break the trust between parent and child, and because they plain old don't work.  It could be a developmental leap, could be SA, and it could be plain old fashioned routine, so please post yours and we'll see if it needs a tweak maybe. It's not unusual for there to be strange behaviour around the 18 mo mark, so maybe he's just there early.

Bear in mind also, that you've two more months to go, so no need to panic, two months is a very long time in toddler years, he'll be past this and on to whatever comes next by then.

[jessmum46]

Hi hun,  (((hugs))), it's hard when BT becomes a battle

I know you are relatively new to BW so may not be aware, but one of the foundation principles of Tracy's work is that no baby or toddler should ever be left to cry alone, as she believed (as do we) that this can damage the precious bond of trust between you and LO.  When a previously independent sleeper starts to struggle, there is usually a reason behind it and crying it out is never the answer.  Tracy encouraged us to SLOW down (stop, listen, observe, what's up?) and try to work out the reason behind a sudden change in behaviour - because there almost certainly is one.

So - just off the top of my head.  You are pregnant (congrats by the way!) I know Henry is young but toddlers do pick up on changes and stresses and that can be enough to cause bursts of separation anxiety or challenging behaviour.  Both of which require comforting and reassurance.  Secondly 18 months is a common time for sleep regression (ours started at 16 months) which can really drive sleep crazy for a bit. Often associated with major developments in language - have you noticed anything like that?  Teeth can also be seriously painful way before anything is visible.  This is prime age for molars/canines so it may be worth trying meds as a one-off to see if it makes a difference.  Lastly routines always need changing as LOs grow, perhaps he is overtired/undertired and needs a tweak - we'd be happy to help if you want to post?

There are a few links here for you to look at regarding our position on leaving LOs to cry: 
Research on why 'cry it out' and 'controlled crying' is NOT recommended!
Cry it out (CIO): 10 reasons why it is not for us
Regaining Trust of Your Child

And also a link to the sleep regression support thread:
18 month sleep regression support thread-part 3

[Buttonbobs]

Hi honey, must to say we had a bit of nightmare with sleep in my house at 16 months (I think the 18 month regression started a little earlier here) so this could well be part of it.

I do agree with the advice of the others above lovely. Let us know if you want us to check out your EASY at all

[Domestic Engineer]

I know cry-it-out isn't recommended, but I wasn't sure whether that still applied to a toddler or not, and whether ten minutes counted as CIO. What about letting him cry while I'm in the room but not holding him? It seems like our options right now are either for him to fall asleep crying in his crib or to fall asleep in our arms.

Here is our routine right now:
8 am - wake up, breakfast, get dressed
Morning outing or play time
12:30 lunch
1:00 down for nap; wakes between 3 and 4
Snack after nap, plays outside usually until Daddy gets home
6:00 dinner
Time with Daddy, bath, books
8:00 pajamas, down between 8:15 and 8:30

I will try some medicine if he cries again tonight and see if that helps.

[Buttonbobs]

Letting him cry while you are in the room is ok, as is him crying and you reassuring him from outside the room with your voice, if that helps him settle.

It's just the crying an "I need you cry" and not having any response from you. You can keep the bond of trust going if you respond, even if it's an "I'm here, it's sleepy time, I love you, go to sleep" kind of response.

Good idea to give ghe meds a try, they'll help you rule out the teething disturbing sleep and you can then work on the other aspects of it doesn't help. Your routine looks good so I would probably bet on teething or development. This is a good thing as they have to go these phases at some point, but I send hugs for now as they can be tiring. Looking on the positive side, better now than when your LO2 arrives, is there any chance your DH can help with the NWs so you can get some more rest?

Xx

[Domestic Engineer]

Should I try putting him to bed a little early tonight, maybe 7:30, so that he doesn't get overtired, or will that just make it worse because he's undertired at bed time?

He thankfully hasn't had any NW so far, just trouble with bedtime, which is well before we go to bed, so neither of us is losing sleep over it yet.

[jessmum46]

I would just stick to usual routine and ride it out for a while, I would think UT at bedtime would definitely cause more issues x

[Domestic Engineer]

Well, it's been over a week since this started. Things are definitely getting better, though he's not totally back to normal. I'm calling it the "18 month regression," but he's only 16.5 months, so I won't be surprised if we have another regression in a few weeks.

We've ended up sitting in his room for 5-20 minutes until he's ready to lie down. He cries when we put him in his crib, but at least one of us is there. Then once he's lying down and quiet, we leave the room, and he cries a bit more, but I stand right outside the door and reassure him whenever he seems to be winding up instead of winding down. The first few nights it took him about an hour total before he went to sleep, but the last few nights he's only whimpered a little when he went into bed and was asleep within 10 minutes. He's also been sleeping in and taking longer naps to catch up on sleep.

Does that sound appropriate, or still too close to CIO? I'm trying to do it right! I could just sit in his room until he's all the way asleep, but I don't want to make him dependent on that and then have to break the habit later, basically just delaying the problem of him crying when I leave the room.

[jessmum46]

No that sounds good, if you are providing reassurance when he is upset that isn't CIO . Some LOs do better without you in the room, your voice is a very useful tool at this age.

[Buttonbobs]

Sounds good to me too, and sounds like your consistency is paying off. Sometimes this is the most important part of riding it out during a developmental blip, it's like they learn you'll be there, doing the same things as usu, no matter what they throw at you, so they may just as well settle and sleep.

[Domestic Engineer]

Great! Glad I'm doing something right. Thanks for the reassurance.