Please help my toddler won't sleep through the night

[Jewelz87]

I am struggling a great deal at the moment and every night ends with me in tears.
I have a 22 month old who sleeps 9pm-2am. At 2am all hell breaks loose and i'm now so scared to go to bed every night knowing this is coming.
He used to wake every 2 hrs cry i'd have to go in (none else - he will only accept mummy) to settle him back to sleep as he will not settle himself.
Now 2 am he's up screaming and throwing a tantrum, i go in and sit in the room when i think he's asleep i leave.... he then screams again. He's also in and out of the cot. Daddy doesn't hear anything during the night and then just says bring him in the bed! i do not want him in my bed as i cannot sleep and it doesn't solve anything

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and need my little boy to sleep through i'm shattered and currently trying to go to work on 3 hrs sleep.
I just can't cope.
All advise welcome please help

[jessmum46]

Couldn't read and not post some hugs for you.  So sorry you are struggling and so tired right now

Can you post a typical day for us with wake up, nap (time and length) and bedtime? 

Does your DS go to sleep by himself at the start of the night and at naptime? 

You say he is in and out of the cot - is he climbing out?

I really hope we may be able to help you with a bit more information

[Martini~]

Oh Gosh Honey, I am so sorry for you! You really have to be shattered!

Could you please post your routine and let us know what kind of personality your boy is? Maybe you could do a personality quest for toddlers, it's listed on this board but I can not paste as on my phone!

...Posted with Katherine

[Jewelz87]

Hi

Thanks for the responses.

Is it wrong to say don't know his typical day!

Up: 7.30
If in nursery they say he naps at about 1-1.30 (but will not nap for me at home)
Bedtme: 8pm will not settle himself and its gone 9 before he gives up
wakes: 2am then every hr

we took one side of the cot down and will generally stay in bed at bed time after stories but from 2am he's in and out

[Buttonbobs]

Oh sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment. How long has it been since he took a nap at home?

What techniques do you use to try and encourage him to stay in bed when he gets out?

Here is the personality questionnaire that Marta refers to above:

The BW "Know Your Toddler Quiz"

[Jewelz87]

Was just completing that he comes up as an angel baby!

its been 8 months since he has taken a proper nap at home for me.

When he gets out of bed i just take his hand and say back to bed and put him back in but the more i o it the more annoyed at me he gets

[Buttonbobs]

How long has it been since you removed the cot sides, and has this problem only arisen since then, or was he waking and asking for you lots before too?

Sorry for all of the questions

[Domestic Engineer]

This is advice for you, not sleep training - try  to temporarily restructure your evenings so that you can go to bed as close to 9 pm as possible. Especially pregnant, you need sleep! At least that way you could get in a good five hours before the craziness starts.

[Buttonbobs]

I don't think your issue is primarily a routine thing, it does seem like he may be very OT, or perhaps low sleep needs, but either way he (and you!) definitely need more sleep than you are getting.

This can be a tricky age for separation anxiety and fear of cots, plus with the added freedom of removing the cot sides leaves him keen to come to you, and not motivated to stay in his own bed.

Is he Playfull when he is getting in and out of bed? I wonder if you could add a barrier to the situation in some way so that you might reassure him with your voice but he would have to stay in his room. I know others here have used child safety stair gates to block off the lo's bedroom but leaving the door open so you can hear them and they can hear your reassuring sleepy words.

What is your wind down before bedtime?

Have you ever tried putting him to bed earlier - say 7/7.30pm? Does this make any difference?

[jessmum46]

I agree with Naomi, I think this is overtiredness.  He is extremely young not to nap (how many days is he at nursery and how long does he nap for there?) and so if you can't get a nap (are you trying at all now? Car? Stroller?) bedtime needs to come much, much earlier.  My LO who is a year and a half older goes to bed at 6.30pm with no nap, and gets up around 6.30 most days. If his body clock is set to sleep at 9pm right now though I suspect you will likely have to do this in stages.  I might even suggest implementing a calm wind down routine aiming to have him in bed around 8.45pm for now, to be asleep for 9pm.  Then gradually moving this earlier by 15 mins every 3 days.

If he normally naps at nursery at 1pm or so have you considered putting in his bed at home at that time, and then using WIWO/silent return, keeping him in his room/bed for at least 45 mins?  I wonder if you did this every day whether he may in fact start napping for you again, and that would have the advantage of a consistent routine.  What do you think?

[Jewelz87]

How long has it been since you removed the cot sides, and has this problem only arisen since then, or was he waking and asking for you lots before too?

Sorry for all of the questions

Thats ok All the questions are good
Its been a couple of months removing the side of the cot. He has been waking in the night for the past 8 months and just wants me i don't know how to get him to settle himself back to sleep.

[Buttonbobs]

I do agree with Katherine above. What do you think about our suggestions above honey?

Sleep does tend to leave to more sleep, so if you can sort the day out the nighttime should get easier ((hugs))

[Jewelz87]

I don't think your issue is primarily a routine thing, it does seem like he may be very OT, or perhaps low sleep needs, but either way he (and you!) definitely need more sleep than you are getting.

This can be a tricky age for separation anxiety and fear of cots, plus with the added freedom of removing the cot sides leaves him keen to come to you, and not motivated to stay in his own bed.

Is he Playfull when he is getting in and out of bed? I wonder if you could add a barrier to the situation in some way so that you might reassure him with your voice but he would have to stay in his room. I know others here have used child safety stair gates to block off the lo's bedroom but leaving the door open so you can hear them and they can hear your reassuring sleepy words.

What is your wind down before bedtime?

Have you ever tried putting him to bed earlier - say 7/7.30pm? Does this make any difference?

I have tried the earlier bedtime 7.30 but he's bouncing off the walls at that time and even getting him to sit down is a struggle. 
hes not playful when he gets out of bed he just seems tired and frustrated then i take him back to his bed several times and he just seems to get more and more frustrated.

Since you mentioned i borrowed a bed barrier and he is staying in the bed now but is still crying for me the second i leave the room and will not settle himself.

Wind down before bed we have dinner, watch a little of thomas the tank engine, get bath/ shower into jimmies, read two books in his bed then lights out about 8.30.

Thanks

[Jewelz87]

I agree with Naomi, I think this is overtiredness.  He is extremely young not to nap (how many days is he at nursery and how long does he nap for there?) and so if you can't get a nap (are you trying at all now? Car? Stroller?) bedtime needs to come much, much earlier.  My LO who is a year and a half older goes to bed at 6.30pm with no nap, and gets up around 6.30 most days. If his body clock is set to sleep at 9pm right now though I suspect you will likely have to do this in stages.  I might even suggest implementing a calm wind down routine aiming to have him in bed around 8.45pm for now, to be asleep for 9pm.  Then gradually moving this earlier by 15 mins every 3 days.

If he normally naps at nursery at 1pm or so have you considered putting in his bed at home at that time, and then using WIWO/silent return, keeping him in his room/bed for at least 45 mins?  I wonder if you did this every day whether he may in fact start napping for you again, and that would have the advantage of a consistent routine.  What do you think?

I am happy to try anything.
I'll admit i have stopped the past month trying to get him to nap because it becomes such an ordeal and a fight and struggle normally ending with us both in tears.

Hes in nursery 5 days a week and naps for anything between 45mins - 2 hrs for them... even on those days he still doesn't sleep through the night.

i normally get him into bed about 8.15 for his stories and by about 9 he would hopefully be asleep, tonight i did his books at 7.45 and he has just fallen asleep 8.45. so thats already 15 mins earlier than normal.

[Jewelz87]

PS thank you all so much for your suggestions and support when i had noone to go to ((hugs))

[Buttonbobs]

It's good news that he settled a little quicker for you tonight

I wonder whether he's ready for his nursery naps to be capped to a more similar length each day (maybe ask them to ensure he doesn't sleep more than an hour) and then you try for the same a weekend. Like Katherine suggests, maybe he'd manage with some quiet time lying down in his bed at the same time each day even without actually falling asleep.

As a starting point you could talk to him in the morning about how you are going to let him have a rest time each day and if he's willing to stay in his bed for the allotted nap hour (even if he doesn't sleep) then you'd be able to work on moving out of the room over a period of time using the gradual withdrawal technique, if you feel this would suit you better than walk in walk out. This technique may also help to reassure him tif he's feeling anxious about being away from you. I know my DD has really gone through patches of needing me present more often.

You would use the same techniques for  settling him at BT if he needs your help then and also for all night wakings. I appreciate this would be much harder for you if they go on for hours at a time, could you make yourself comfortable in his room, sleeping next to him on a mattress on the floor or similar?

I wonder if you try this and then get him up and have a physically active morning for him, see if he'll take a nap and then aim for BT no later than 7 if he's not had a nap or perhaps 7.30/8 if he does take a nap and see how you get on. These proposed timings are guesswork really so it may take a little tweaking, perhaps you could post what hapens each day for us to look at and review.

You are very welcome for the suggestions. We have all come here for help at one time or another for support and have stuck around to help others. If you feel like you have any insight on any of the other posts please do feel free to add your thoughts, none of us are experts here, just parents like you

[Martini~]

Just wanted to say that I agree with all the lovely ladies's advice!
We are all here happy to help you as you have to have so more sleep, especially being pregnant:)!

[Jewelz87]

So last night he went down at 8.30 without too much of a struggle but then red every hr after 1am. I don't know what he wants cos its for about 10 mins then he goes back to sleep after i retuck him in. But i'm shattered as I've been woken every hr then he was up at 6.30 an hr earlier than normal!

Help again please x

[Buttonbobs]

I do think he's really OT, and I think you should carry on with the plan as we set out. It will be hard I'm sorry, but I think consistency is really going to be key for you all.

Do you think there might be any element of discomfort, teething for example?

What was his nap length today? Could you get him to sleep any earlier?

[jessmum46]

How are you getting on?