18 month separation anxiety

[blueberry7]

Hello,

My 18 month old LO is having major separation anxiety.  This started after we came back from a one-week trip in Hawaii early April and just when he turned 18 months.  In Hawaii, he slept in a pack-and-play in the same room as us, and only on two nights, we put him in bed with us when he woke up at 5am (and he slept until 7am).  Also, on the plane, he slept on us.  Other than those instances and some sleep deprivation from a few short naps and later bedtimes due to travelling, nothing really changed in Hawaii.  Once we got back, he has had major separation anxiety - he cries hysterically when I leave him at daycare (which did not happen before), he refuses to fall asleep on his own (he needs to be held/rocked/walked to sleep and it takes an hour to do that) and he wakes up 2-3 times a night crying hysterically.  He used to be a very good night sleeper and he would fall asleep on his own and wake up talking to himself.

We have tried making him CIO 3 minutes at a time, but after 10-15 minutes, it is too painful for us because his cries seem more desparate and hysterical than those "I want to fall asleep, but I can't cries".  We also tried sleeping on the floor next to him and climbing into the crib with him, but none of that worked.  He has been transitioning from 2-1 nap and we have been seeing whether he is undertired or overtired, but on both instances and when we think he has caught up on his sleep, he still has trouble falling asleep and wakes up during the night.  Hence, my preliminary conclusion is that this is 18 month separation anxiety.

What can we do to help him, or do we just wait it out?  I am afraid that each night when I end up holding him to sleep, it will form a bad habit.  I have been trying to PU/PD and modified CIO (like I mentioned above) and just any other way to comfort/support him without spoiling him too much, but after an hour, I end up holding him to sleep because I am exhausted and I just want him to sleep so his next day will not be horrendous. 

His schedule looks like this:

7am - Wake up
11:30am - 1st nap
3:30pm - 2nd catnap
8pm - Bedtime

*When he is at daycare 2 days a week, his 1st nap is at 1pm and then sometimes he falls asleep in the car at 5:30pm on the way home.  He naps for 1.5 to 2 hours total a day.

Any thoughts on this would be helpful.  Thanks!

[Domestic Engineer]

It does sound like separation anxiety. We went through this a few weeks ago at 16 months. It's so hard with a child who used to sleep well!

I wouldn't recommend CIO. It's just going to make him more fearful and make the anxiety worse, because he won't trust that you will come back if he needs you.

You're also right that the holding to sleep will make a bad habit if you keep doing it. If it happens every once in a while when your child is out of sorts, it's no big deal, but if you keep doing it night after night he will come to expect it.

I would recommend that you put him into his crib at  bed time and don't take him out again, even if he's angry. But don't leave the room when he's crying. Remind him that it's sleepy time, lay him down if that's helpful, give him a little kiss or rub his back while he's in his crib, or just sit in a chair and let him be angry, giving frequent verbal reassurance. He needs to go to sleep in his crib most nights.

The phase will pass. But it sounds like it's already been going on a long time! You must be so exhausted. Lots of sympathy! Can you and your husband take turns if this is cutting into your sleep?

[Buttonbobs]

Hi there honey, I agree absolutely with pp. we are very happy to support you through this tough stage, but I do want to reiterate that we do not support leaving a child or baby to cry alone as we (and Tracy Hogg, the original baby whisperer) believed that leaving your child to cry alone can break the bond of trust between child and parent. It isn't the crying in itself that is a problem (although it is hard for us parents to hear) but it is their only way to communicate with us as babies, and as they get older and before they can speak easily it is their to communicate a whole range of emotions.

I like to think of it a little like I would respond to a friend who is crying and upset, I would listen, empathise, and reassure them that I am there for them. You can do the same for a baby or child, they will still benefit from your presence and reassurance.

Have you seen this support thread for the 18 month regression:

18 month sleep regression support thread-part 3

DE is right, that this phase will pass, and this thread can help you by talking to others in a similar boat.

But also, looking at the routine, it wouldn't be unusual for LOs of this age to be dropping that catnap. Has he been sleeping with that routine for a while? It might be worth extending the A times a little to see if that helps.

What do you think?

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

Hi there! I agree with pp that it sounds like separation anxiety...we just had another bought of it at 19/20 months, it was rough but we are out the other side for now.  Here on BW we do not condone or support CC or CIO in any way, but for sure we can help come up with a gentler solution to get you all through.

One thing that jumps out is the two naps...is your lo higher sleep needs do you think? Most tots are on one nap by this age and being undertired could fuel the separation anxiety too. I would be tempted to try one nap for a good while and see if it helps, along with some type of gradual withdrawal or wi/wo.

Posted with Naomi!

[cath~]

Hi there,

Just one other thought to add to what PPs have said.

Like PP said, if your LO is a bit UT at BT this can make SA worse.  Does he show many signs of SA during the day or just at sleep times?  SA and being UT can look v similar at BT - they can both result in LO not wanting to be left alone.

You said he could last until 1pm on daycare days.  How long is that nap then?  Does he manage OK lasting until 1pm?   If he doesn't nod off in the car on the way home, is BT any easier?

I would def try pushing that 11.30 nap a little later (try 12-12.30, say) and then providing that nap isn't too short, not offer a CN.  You might have to bring BT earlier though, e.g. to 7pm.  WDYT?