Sleep training with a 2.5 year old who has never been sleep trained

[peacefulwarrior]

Hello
With my second child, our son, we chose to do co-sleeping because I did not like sleep training my first child at 9 months and because my supply really dropped when she started sleeping through the night.  Now we're going on 2.5 years of co-sleeping with my son.  He goes to bed in his own crib around 8 pm and then wakes up anytime between 11 & 1 and I take him in bed with me.  He nurses for about 5 minutes and falls back to sleep.  Then he nurses every 3-4 hours after that until he wakes between 6 & 7:30. 
Now we'd like to gently transition him to sleeping on his own and I would like your input.  Here's what my husband and I have come up with:
We're planning to start with a sleep chart to inspire him to want to make these changes.  We will have him track things like how long he can stay in his own bed, how minimally he can nurse, etc.  We will do stars on the chart and then offer rewards when they add up.
Also we want to transition him to a big boy bed.  I know it may seem like a lot of change but I really think he'd be more likely to want to stay in his bed if he had a new cool big boy bed with new dinosaur sheets
The first few nights we were thinking of me going to his room and nursing him there and putting him back in his bed every time he woke up.
Then after that, we thought I would only nurse him the first time he wakes in the night and transition to his dad going in when he calls out.
This is where I think he's not going to do well - because he's so used to nursing on demand at night.  Any ideas for what my husband should do when he goes in? What he does to help him get to sleep is rock him or play songs.  So we might start with replacing one prop (nursing) with another (rocking) for a little while and then wean him off the rocking.  I just want the whole experience to be as gentle as possible.  Eventually I won't nurse him at all in the night and only when he wakes up and before bed.  Thoughts?  Thanks so much!!
Monica

[anna*]

Not sure how much BTDT experience you will get here but I would be inclined to wean the night feeds first, then tackle the move to his own bed. This link below might be useful? I daresay it won't be easy with a 2.5 year old, as these toddlers do have such strong opinions! I think your reward system may be a little complicated? I know my 3.5 year old would not be able to get her head around concepts like "length of time stayed in bed", yk?
http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

[cath~]

This thread is a "success story" of some one who was in a similar situation to you by the sounds of it:
GRADUAL SLEEP TRAINING SUCCESS STORY

Their DD was nearly 2 when they sleep trained. You might find some ideas there that you like.

I would be inclined to wean the night feeds first

me too. Have you tried Pantley's approach?
PANTLEY'S GENTLE REMOVAL PLAN
This is described for a baby but you could try reducing the length he BFs for for a few days before cutting it out completely.  Since he's 2.5 though I think you'd have to tell him during the day.

I also read somewhere that if you explain to your toddler that the reason you are doing this (eg stopping NFs) is so everyone can have more sleep and so will have more energy to do more fun things with him during the day, you should then do something fun (eg go to a park or on a short outing somewhere fun) the next day (if they've slept better that is!) so they can see the benefit of no NFs.  That might be more effective than a reward chart?

[creations]

The links given by pps are great, they both sound very similar in approach and hopefully you'll feel a connection with those descriptions/methods/steps towards independent sleep.

I personally feel the reward chart idea is way too complicated and actually puts too much of the responsibility on the child. Really can a child this age work out how 'minimally he can nurse'?? I don't think so. They *do* understand a lot at this age but this is quite an abstract thought to try to 'nurse less' and to get a star reward for doing so. It's not just that it's complicated but also that you would be expecting him to think of a reward system in the middle of the night when all he wants is to get back to sleep and the only way he knows how to get to sleep is to nurse.
To me this is like asking a 2.5yo to try to eat less chocolate - they just can't and neither should they be expected to. It's the parents role to decide if chocolate is appropriate (and how much) and if it is considered inappropriate then it is the adults job to ensure the child is not given any...not have it available and then say "try not to eat it" or "try to eat less and you can have a star on your chart".  I see this weaning at night similarly, it is your choice to wean the night feeds so you make it happen, with zero responsibility put on the child (but barrow loads of love, cuddles, sympathy and understanding that this is a very hard thing).

When you get tears, frustration and anger (which I do think you will get at some point) I suggest lots of understanding sounds, lots of "yes I hear you" and "ahum, aha, yes, I know, yes", I believe he is going to have a lot to say about this and my approach would be to *hear* him.  He is entitled to his thoughts and opinions on this change which he doesn't want and likely to feel much better about the whole thing if he is heard and understood - basically validating his feelings.  Imagine a girlfriend telling you about something that has really upset her, she doesn't expect you to fix it or offer solutions or tell her this is for her own good or will be better for everyone in the long run, she just wants to be able to get it off her chest and for someone to say "yeah, I'm not surprised you're upset". I remember reading about this a couple of years back and tried it one night with my DS, instead of trying to stop him crying by any means I decided to really listen to his complaints and make lots of those sounds as though I was really listening to him...and he actually stopped crying much faster!

Good luck!

[peacefulwarrior]

Thanks SOOO much for all your input!  We really appreciate it! 
We are going to sit down this weekend and go over all these articles and great a new and improved sleep training plan.
Thanks again!
Monica

[creations]

I'm sure you'll come up with a plan you're happy with. We'll be here if you want a hand to hold through the process.