Author Topic: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night  (Read 1144 times)

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Offline Jennifernordstrom

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19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« on: August 03, 2015, 03:11:07 am »
My 19 month old started teething 5 weeks ago and had a terrible time with it. He was waking up in the middle of the night, exorcist style. He would scream, thrash and was nearly impossible to hold but would hit his head against the crib rails if we didn't hold him. I thought he was experiencing night terrors, so I didn't medicate beyond teething tablets before bed ( a mild chamomile supplement ).

Two weeks later he popped a molar, and a week after that another came through. During this time I would have to rub his back, and then leave my hand there, to calm him before his afternoon nap. Bedtimes were pretty rough. I would do pick up put down and then rub his back and leave my hand there until he was almost sleeping.

Before all of this started, our nighttime routine was, dad read him a book, gave him a bottle, then mom read a book, hugs, put him in his bed and I'd leave the room. He'd suck his fingers until he fell asleep. BUT I could just walk out and he was fine.

Now he screams. Every time I leave or he realizes that I'm not in the room.

So I don't know how to get back on track, but this is what I've tried.

I started with rubbing his back, and then removing my hand but still leaning over the crib. When he'd cry again, I'd place my hand oh is back to erasure him, and then remove it, and the. I'd sit in the rocking chair and shush him if he'd fuss until he go to sleep.

Then me being there became a bit of a game, so I tried to stay out of sight and started lying on the floor to shush him. This seemed to be progress for a while, but then he started standing up to watch me. I could get up and say, " it's time to go night night, lie down" and he would.  We'd repeat this a few times and eventually he'd fall asleep and I'd sneer out of the room.

The last few days I've been trying to leave the room after putting him down and patting his back. He lies down, cuddles his bunny and blanket, sucks his fingers and seems quite happy. Then I leave the room, but he is instantly standing and crying.

Tonight I tried sitting outside his room and just shushing him, but he was crying so hard that he nearly puked and I just ended up feeling like a terrible mom. In the end he fell asleep after I rubbed his back and just stood beside his crib.

What do I do?  Do I leave the room and close the door and then come back in and tell home to lie down and rub his back and repeat until he falls asleep?  How do I get him to be ok with me leaving the room.

I don't want to be in his room until he falls asleep every night.
Jen

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Re: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2015, 07:45:21 am »
Hi there and welcome to BW forums :)

It sounds like the 18 month regression.  This is an age where very many LOs sleep goes off track (not limited to exactly 18 months old) due to a whole variety of things, teething is a big one, physical/mental/emotional developments too, and often the regression shows as SA (separation anxiety) and an apparent inability to sleep independently when they have previously been doing so.

Half birthdays in general (18 months, 2.5 yrs, 3.5 yrs etc) can be a tricky time, LOs go through developmental leaps and their behaviour, sleep and independent sleep can often be seen to go off track at these times.

It sounds like you are doing everything 'right', responding to SA reassures LO that you will always be there when needed and give him confidence to begin sleeping alone again. It could take some time, the best thing for you is to keep telling yourself this will not last for ever, you will not be stuck rubbing his back for ever, although it might feel like it for a little while.  Usually independent sleepers (such as your LO) return to independence just as soon as they are able to, as soon as the pain (from illness or teething), and SA pass.

It may help to look at his overall routine - although often at this age during the regression we advise to ride it out - there are SO many different things effecting sleep at this phase that it is usually very difficult to tell where a tweak of routine might be needed.  I would say if BT or nap time is repeatedly a long process try putting down 15-30 mins later than usual which may reduce the amount of time it takes him to fall to sleep.  Be aware that after this phase passes he may need to go to sleep a little earlier again to return to something closer to his original routine.

There are a couple of links here you might find helpful if you have not seen them
Toddler Specific Sleep Training Advice
18 month sleep regression support thread-part 3

hope this helps some


Offline Jennifernordstrom

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Re: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2015, 02:04:16 am »
Thank you for your feedback. Family has been quite unsupportive, telling me to let him cry it out or joking that I should just out him in a rubber room.

I feel like we are getting there. Tonight after his book I put him down and he snuggled into his bunny, I rubbed his back for 30 ish seconds and then laid down on the floor until he fell asleep. This time I only had to shush him once and he didn't stand up after lying down.

My patience had worn thin last night and the vote of confidence is probably what I needed to get to the end of this.

I suppose I'm just surprised at how long it's taking. I did the sleep training, shush pat and pupd when he was about 4 months old, but that only took a few weeks to fall into place ( don't get me wrong, I was on my own there too, as my husband does not have the patience for these things and it felt like multiple eternities.)

Thanks again.

If anyone else has some suggestions I'm open to them. 
Jen

Offline becj86

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Re: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2015, 02:50:31 am »
It might be worth having a loot at his routine - is he UT at BT?

Otherwise, I'd suggest telling him you're going to do something and you'll be back. Initially, come back in 10sec and build up that trust that you will definitely come back. Eventually you can lengthen that out and chances are he'll fall asleep while you're not there ;) DS takes ages to fall asleep if I stay with him sometimes but if he is tired and I say I'm going to the loo, he will fall asleep within a minute or two.

It sounds like what you're doing is working though, so maybe stick to that. These things take longer with toddlers than babies, always.

The other thing that's infuriating to hear but is true is this: "This too shall pass." It really will. Its tough when family are making unhelpful suggestions and undermining you. We'll be here to build you back up xx

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Re: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2015, 07:13:55 am »
I'm sorry to hear your family is not supportive.  Parenting is hard work, exhausting physically and mentally at times, we could all do with some support from people around us but unfortunately that isn't always available.  Be proud of yourself for the sleep training you initially did on your own and really try not to lose heart at this point, it really is only a phase.
I had some truly ridiculous suggestions from my mum over DS's sleep, it drove me mad.

Have you introduced a sleep phrase?  At this age you might find it more effective than shushing. Basically a phrase you can repeat like a mantra so you are not taking up conversation (when he is older and chatting a lot you don't want to encourage long discussions at BT) but so that he hears your voice reassuring him.  Something like "Everything's all right. Go to sleep".  I actually used a number of repeated phrases as I found that more natural for me but they still repeated.
You might also find he is more comfortable if you tell him you are leaving the room rather than sneaking out. There were certainly times I stayed with my LO until he was asleep and then just left but mostly, whether awake of asleep, I told him in a clear voice "I'm going now so you can sleep properly" so that there would be no surprise if he opened his eyes and found I was no longer there.
As pp said it might help to tell him you are just nipping to the toilet and will be back to check on him, not if he is crying, but if he is fussing around standing and such.

Be reassured everyone here is on your side x


Offline Jennifernordstrom

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Re: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« Reply #5 on: August 06, 2015, 03:07:10 am »
Again, thank you. I like the idea of telling him I need to leave for a minute and returning. Actually, my husband did that tonight, quite by accident ( he is certainly not reading this blog ;)  my little guy cried at first, but then dad came back into the room. A few minutes later I heard him say goodnight and leave the room. There weren't any tears. He stood up, babbled and played for a while and the. Went to sleep!  So of course by husband is taking all of the credit :)  I think we are almost there. What is it they say?  It's always darkest before dawn?

I have been using a kind of mantra, or line, with him. Usually because he'd be standing up in his crib I'd say, " lie down, it's time to go night night. "  I was surprised to see him listen to the instruction the first few times, but it definitely seemed to help set the tone without engaging him.

I like the idea of telling him that I'm leaving the room and why, regardless of if he is sleeping or not. I will start that tomorrow. Or should I say, follow my husbands good example?

Hanks again
Jen

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Re: 19 month old cries when I leave his bedroom at night
« Reply #6 on: August 06, 2015, 08:00:45 am »
:) Sounds like things are moving forward.
Usually because he'd be standing up in his crib I'd say, " lie down, it's time to go night night. "  I was surprised to see him listen to the instruction the first few times,
I also found instruction to be helpful here too. I told mine to sit down, then to lie down. It seemed like too difficult a task for him to lie down from standing without the intermediate instruction of sitting. Could just have been my DS or could be worth keeping in mind (stashed in your parenting 'tool box').