3yr old pretty much refusing to eat

[Skadiver13]

Hi all, so Liam is 3 and he still only weighs 27.6lbs (has for like 6 months) so I've always been lenient on the eating front. I used to let him eat in front of the tV as it would allow me to get more food into him, I would let him run around and then come back and I would feed him another bite etc. But in the past 2 months we've really been trying to get away from that. No more TV during meals, I'm trying to push  eating together, although with our crazy schedules it's very hard to make sure we're always eating at the same time. But lately in the past week he's literally refusing to eat throwing tantrums etc. So finally today i've had enough.

This morning I asked him what he wanted gave him choices he choice egg in a hole (which I know he likes) he chose a banana. He refused to eat it, threw the most major tantrum becuase I wouldn't feed him, said he wasn't hungry etc. I  left it on the table for about 30min after I was done eating then I threw it out. He got hungry around 9:30 when we were out and I was in a meeting so I had to give him something or he'd get cranky so he had a granola bar and a puree packet. Later we went to the playground. Then at 11:30 I asked him if he wanted lunch and what he wanted so we had pasta a hot dog and applesauce. I sat down with him at his little table (his choice) and I started eating. He refused to sit down and eat refused everything. I tried not to make a big deal but said there is no TV after lunch if he didn't' eat which threw him into a straight tizzy. So after a while i put it into the fridge for later. We went on to play ball together but no tv. Went up to take a nap and he finally said "im hungry" and though it killed me (because his weight) I said he could have food after his nap.  Que another tantrum. It was so darn hard not to give in.

I don't know if what I'm doing is right or not. Should I just got back to giving him what he wants because I know he'll eat if I feed him or he can watch TV but I really want to get away from that but not harm him in the process.

[Hedgehog17]

Sounds so much like my DS!

He has turned eating into a major control issue (I think they sense our anxiety) and it's been awful sometimes 

We too have turned to bribery and this does work most of the time, because he loves to negotiate and feels he has 'won' if we do 

No real advice as we are still struggling with this, but hugs 

[michaeljacknnugg]

Have you seen the 'division of responsibility' thread? Ellyn Satter's books and theory, if you want to look it up (can't link right now).

Basically I would make food available at certain times and give him complete control over what he eats. You choose what and when to provide, he chooses what (from your selection) and how much to eat. No consequences for eating, no comment at all on what/how much he chooses at each meal.

Given his weight you might want to present some foods that are higher in calories than you'd like him to eat normally. I'm not sure?

[Skadiver13]

When you say no consequences I can't say no TV? The only reason I say no TV is because he used to watch it while eating so he's come to associate eating with TV and I"m trying to get away from that. I always give him an opportunity to earn it back? So I guess I can stick with what I did at lunch? Let him choose, put it in front of him and sit with him. He ended up eating 1/2 a hotdog and maybe 5 bites of mac n cheese and a few bites of applesauce after his nap. He said I"m full and I said "awesome thanks for letting me know" We did a high five and he got down and we played together. So I tried not to stress over how little he's eaten. Can you suggest some high calorie foods? I buy a lot of organic stuff but he's lactose intolerant so I have to work arond that. A typical day.

B: Cereal w/ Lactaid Milk and coconut yougurt
S: Granola bar or banana
L: Peanutbutter/jelly sandwich or Mac N Cheese with a fruit or applesauce
S: Puree packet with crackers or cheese stick (he can handle cheddar cheese only)
D: Breaded Chicken or fish sticks with veggie pasta or rice a veggie (avocado, carrots, peas, broccoli)

That's what I serve anyway not what he necessarily will eat but it's all food I know he likes. HE hates oatmeal which is a shame. I give him milk as a snack in the afternoon if he didnt' have yogurt for Bfast.

[michaeljacknnugg]

I wouldn't use tv as a consequence. He's old enough to sit down and chat about how mealtimes will be changing i.e. you will serve them at the table and he can pick what and how much to eat.

It's really worth getting your head around the model first - I've read 'secrets of feeding a healthy family' (think that's the title - baby brain at present!) and it really helped, but I think looking at her range of books and choosing one appropriate to you would be the best approach.

High calorie foods could include things like chips and even desserts. At first he's likely to go all out for these, but will settle in time if you stick with it.

[creations]

Here's the link to the division of responsibility model chat thread
The Division Of Responsibility trust model for selective eating child

I actually haven't read any of the books but when I read the thread at the beginning of it, it was very close to how I'd always approached meal times with DS anyway.
I also wouldn't say no TV as a consequence of not eating, nor would I give treats, bribes or rewards for eating.

In the situation you describe I can see how you needed/wanted him to not become grouchy during your meeting and so gave him food when he had previously had the opportunity to eat and not taken it. Generally though I'd be of the attitude "I gave you breakfast, you didn't eat it, now there is no food until snack/lunch" (whenever the next routine meal is available).  At certain times, when possible, I'd probably also package up the left food and that's what would be given for the next meal. I never force my child to eat food he doesn't like but I also won't go down the route of unnecessary waste either.

I would continue with your new routine of sitting down (no TV) at the table to eat. Sounds like he's kicking back at the new routine but you've already been through several tantrums of frustration so it would be a 'waste' of working through that if you backed down now.  You can’t force him to eat and swallow, but you can keep the 'rules' of food at certain times and for a limited time (ie it is not available all day, 20 mins for a meal and then it's gone and no food until the next scheduled meal).
WRT weight, you are offering food 5 times per day, this child is not going to starve.  Cast a mind to children in certain parts of our world where only 1 or possibly 2 meals per day are even available and release yourself from the guilt you are feeling about this. It's your job to provide meals, it's his job to eat them xx

[Skadiver13]

So we're back to this. He's donig much better eating on his own etc. But now we're at the "I don't like that stage" I'm assuming this is normal? but he's always been a bird eater i.e. not eating much at all but never picky. Would usually eat whatever I put in front of him. Now he won't eat anythign. Says he doesn't like it even after he tells me what he wants. " I want a banana." I give to him he takes one bite "I don't like it". Same with all foods. Now he's saying he's not hungry even though he must be?? What to do.

[Eva's Mummy]

DD1 is completely the same, asks for something then says she doesn't like it. She is also a bird eater and a wee skinny minny. On some days she will have no breakfast, 1/2 slice toast for am snack, a couple of spoons of soup for lunch and a bit of fruit for dinner. She will have about 3 days a week where she eats well then hardly anything the rest of the week. I honestly wouldn't worry, when he is hungry he will eat. If he is still full of energy and running around then I don't think you need worry x

[Skadiver13]

I know. It's just so hard. Ugh.. Thanks for your words though.

[Lindsay27]

I honestly wouldn't worry, when he is hungry he will eat.

I think this.  I worry too because my DS is such a skinny little fart, but my DH is constantly saying "he's not going to starve himself".

The only 2 kind of "rules" we have are:
1) He has to try something before he says he doesn't like it.  If it tries it and says he doesn't like it, then fine...we certainly don't force him to eat it
2) I make 1 meal at dinner, no substitutes (obviously including things I know he eats).  So some of the time he'll say he doesn't like it, or he isn't hungry or whatever and we just say that's fine, don't eat it, but he can't have snacks later.  And the majority of the time he'll protest for a while, but eventually he'll come and eat it.  And if he doesn't and says he's hungry later, we just offer him his dinner.  If I make things I know he eats, then the whole "I don't like it" business is just a game we aren't willing to play

[Mama2Athena]

He got hungry around 9:30 when we were out and I was in a meeting so I had to give him something or he'd get cranky so he had a granola bar and a puree packet. Later we went to the playground. Then at 11:30 I asked him if he wanted lunch and what he wanted so we had pasta a hot dog and applesauce. I sat down with him at his little table (his choice) and I started eating. He refused to sit down and eat refused everything.

My 3.5 year old DD is tiny (27 lbs) and a picky eater too.  Her best meal is breakfast and then it all goes down hill from there.  Some nights she will not eat anything, and this usually happens during the week when she goes to preschool.  They tend to load the kids up on snacks.  On weekends, I noticed that a snack too big between meals would lead to her not eating her main meal (lunch/ dinner).  I know if my DD ate both a granola bar and a puree pack for snack, there would be no way she'd eat lunch.  May not seem like a lot to us, but their stomachs are so tiny.  So now we either skip snacks altogether or offer a VERY light snack.  Even then, she still eats like a bird.  I try not to worry as she is still full of energy and the doctor hasn't said anything about her weight.

[Haribo2012]

My DS definitely says "I don't like that dinner" before he's even seen what it is but I just say that's what we're eating tonight and we all sit down, if he protests I just say ok but no snacks etc and we carry on chatting about the day. The less attention we pay the more he just gets on and eats it, he will often start negotiations about how many more spoonfuls he has to eat when it's a meal he's not that keen on so we have a chat about how many and then he eats that amount quite happily. At this age for us a lot of it is about his control over what he wants to happen or his negotiating powers lol....the other night he said "mummy I'll have a cheese toastie, but not chilli and rice" unfortunately for him it was the chilli but cheese toastie was negotiated to next day   

I am lucky DS eats great and loads of it, but his little play buddy eats little snd is very picky but they both are the same height, run around the same at the park etc some kids just aren't that interested in food....life's too exciting at 3.5yrs I guess.