9mo - incapable of independent play and become distressed easily?

[songbird]

DS is 9 months old and his behaviour has been driving me crazy. I would be grateful for any BTDT advice or any ideas of what I may be doing wrong. Previously I thought maybe he was going through WW but he has been like this for MONTHS now. It also doesn't really make a difference whether he's had a good nap or not. He still just sticks to me.

He's a spirited baby and for the last few months, he has been sticking to me all day long. He cries as soon as I start walking away (even if I'm just moving a few steps away to the dining table STILL WITHIN the same room as him), and a lot of the time he just wants to climb on me and plays with my glasses/chews on my zipper rather than playing on the floor with his toys. I would say that he basically never plays on his own. If DH is the one taking care of him, he does the same thing - not letting him walk away, etc.

If I go to the bathroom or take his big sister to the bathroom, he cries his eyes out and I think bangs his head on the bathroom door until we come back out (I can't just let him in because of hygiene reasons). Same if I'm cooking in the kitchen -  he will scream at the gate the entire time until I come back out - this happens even if I've set him up with some favourite toys, TV on, etc. TV used to do the trick and stop the crying for a little while, but that has more or less stopped working.

He is also very stubborn and vocal - e.g. if I take him away from kitchen/paper that he's ripping apart and putting into his mouth, he will do a "I'm on fire" cry and his screams are really loud and intense.

He's fine when we take him out in the stroller (for about an hour or so then he will start going crazy again) and DH/my mum think that he is sometimes a lot calmer when I'm not around.

Any ideas on what I can do to encourage him to be a bit more independent (or at least accept that I sometimes need to walk away for a short while?) He's not a particularly good sleeper but I think he gets a decent amount of sleep, and to be honest I'm not sure how to get more sleep into him. His day sleep is alright but he always has these long NWs (1hr to 2hr) and I just don't know what to do with them. His current sleep total is like this: 3h A time in the morning and has a 35-1h nap; Nap 2 after another 3-3.5h A and has a 1h30 to 2h nap; Night sleep - some long NWs so I'd say he generally does between 10-11 hr night sleep?)

My mum thinks I'm spoiling him and need to just ignore him and let him cry for a while to learn to be independent. I am not sure what to do if this is some kind of anxiety or developmental issues. Thoughts? TIA!!!

[Mcgrad2003]

I'm going through the same thing with my 8 month old daughter.  I was trying to make dinner last night & keep her in the living room to play, but she wasn't having it.  She is capable of independent play as she does it sometimes.  It does sound like it could be separation anxiety.  I hope you get a response here. 

[Katet]

From a BTDT, some children (ones with strong Emotional Intelligence seems to be the case ) just need to really trust that their adults are there for them. It's not about spoiling or anxiety or lack of independence it's just they are who they are. I found at that age it was easier to have DS1 with me in the bathroom (really the hygiene side is less than you think if you look at the microbacterial swabs our students took off phones, iPads & drink bottles you should worry more about them I can tell you that for certain) & I'd have him in the high Chair in the Kitchen right beside me playing with things.

DS1 was a needy child, If I had a dollar for every comment made I'd be on Holidays BUT as a 12yo he isn't, he's very resilient & confident & I'm glad that I followed the BW advice of "knowing my child" & parenting his needs. Sure he was very slow & late to be  leaving my side compared to others, but he's not the one to worry about now.

I think it's important to remember "just because other children don't do it doesn't mean what your child is doing is a problem, it's just they are making sure they are developing as they need it".... FWIW I suspect you will find he is a pretty bright & observant child who has great powers of observation later on & it is because of that now he is more aware of what is going on than lots of children who happily stay on their own.

[MasynSpencerElliotte]

My DD3 is very much like this (DH and MIL lay the "blame" on me but I just smile & nod). She is 25 months and will finally be in the living room (semi open concept house) while I am in the kitchen if no one else is home. I leave the door open when I use the bathroom and generally shower with her or with her watching lol. When we are out and about she will never go to anyone else either so I use a carrier a lot as the stroller doesn't always cut it.

Do you think he could be low sleep needs? My DD3 is, we have dropped the nap entirely a few months ago. We went to one nap early on as well because her nights were better for it.

[cath~]

My DD3 is very much like this (DH and MIL lay the "blame" on me but I just smile & nod). She is 25 months and will finally be in the living room (semi open concept house) while I am in the kitchen if no one else is home. I leave the door open when I use the bathroom and generally shower with her or with her watching lol. When we are out and about she will never go to anyone else either

My DDs are very much like this too.  However, it didn't last forever and DD1 now happily plays by herself a lot of the time.  Of course, other times she still wants company too though.

DD1 is a very sensitive spirited LO, and DD2 is a touch spirited.  Both are very perceptive.  I think personality has a lot to do with it.

[-Maya-]

For us 7-9mo were awful with DS. He was not able to crawl and he cried every time that he rolled accidentally on his tummy. He wanted me to help him but he wanted also to be able to move independently. Things improved a lot when he learnt how to crawl and even better when he leant to walk.
I think this happens because he was mentally prepared to move independently but being a big baby (taller more than fatter), his long body did not respond to him as he wanted. No other toy would truly satisfy him at that time. Of course bad nursery teachers told me that DS was spoilt by me and also my mum said this a times or two.
Now (16mo) he is not the best independent player and he has not the longest attention span, but he play by himself leaving me time to do basic things at home. Said so, I still bring him in the toilet when I am alone at home as well as in the kitchen when I cook.

[songbird]

Thanks all for your replies - it makes me feel a lot better that it's not just me.

I suspect he's low sleep needs too but he does nap if I help him and seems tired if he wakes early. I will keep working on independent sleep.

I've been taking him with me to the kitchen and bathroom more often (in his highchair) and it works most of the time (once or twice he's tried to stand up - but held back by the restraints....), so that has certainly saved my sanity. Thanks again for sharing your experience.