2.5 year old playing with food

[MommyN]

Hi,

My 2.5 year old DS has this new thing with playing with food. For example, he digs holes in his bread, opens his pb sandwich and puts it on his cheeks, tears apart his breaded chicken cutlets and throws bread crumbs everywhere... I'm unsure how to stop this behavior. It is completely unacceptable in our house! We always stopped him from playing with his food and never laughed at it, so I'm not sure where this came from. He is a small picky eater and I'm nervous to do anything that will cause negative associations and make him eat even less. Anyone have experience with this? We will not stand for this behavior, I just don't know how to go about it. TIA!

[creations]

Sounds like he is just exploring the nature of the food, learning about textures, how sticky pb can be... and possibly not quite as hungry as you might expect him to be.  If he isn't hungry I'd just see it as meal time is over.

For the exploration side, maybe you can set him up with some alternative messy play activities during A time so he is not quite so inclined to explore his food. See if he'd like to help prepare the food, making a sandwich, spreading the pb, using a knife to cut it up etc might be a way he can explore food in a way that is acceptable?  He might even be more interested in eating it if he has made it, LOs this age can be so proud of themselves for making their own food and your food too.
My DS has always enjoyed cooking but more the savoury 'meal' type foods rather than cake type foods.  We have a child safe knife and he's used a cheese grater, vegetable peeler and can opener all closely supervised, hand over hand in the early days.  It was as though he knew which jobs were 'real' (adult jobs) and which things were set up just for kids, he was always more interested in the 'real' jobs.  Another job he enjoys is re-filling the tea bag jar, which involves him tearing the 2 joined bags apart and putting them in the jar, he took it very seriously and was so proud of himself for doing a real job and taking part in running the house, gave him a real sense of value in the family (and he only burst one bag out of 50).  Maybe your DS would like to do something like this?

[MommyN]

Thanks! I'll try that idea of allowing him to help prepare the food. He does love to drag a chair over and watch me cook, but he always ends up sticking his hands in anything dirty in the sink.

As far as him not being hungry, he eats SO little and we NEVER force food. When he starts to play with his food, I'll say "okay you're not hungry" but then he says "no, I'm eating" and takes another bite. Problem is he starts playing as soon as he gets the food and I can't take it away and starve him. I REALLY REALLY want to stop this behavior!

[creations]

When he starts to play with his food, I'll say "okay you're not hungry" but then he says "no, I'm eating" and takes another bite. Problem is he starts playing as soon as he gets the food and I can't take it away and starve him.

Whilst I'm all for kids being able to explore I also believe in having acceptable table manners - with reasonable expectations which are age appropriate of course.  If his level of playing with food is something you cannot accept, then really just don't accept it.  I would cuddle up with him on the sofa 10 mins or so before food is served (or say 2 mins before a snack), tell him how much you enjoy serving him healthy foods to keep his body strong and full of energy, the energy he needs to play well, and tell him what your expectations are, that he is to have his meal politely, to either eat the food or leave it on the plate.  If he's able to communicate his agreement then great.  End with a big cuddle and tell him, dinner is almost ready we'll be eating soon.
Then when he gets up to the table and you serve his meal repeat your expectations, something like "Let's enjoy our meal together. I want you to eat politely, the same as Mummy and Daddy. You can eat or leave the food on the plate please."
When he starts to play with it tell him "Please eat the food or leave it on the plate.  If you are not eating you can leave the table".  I'd give him a chance like that. Then the next time he plays with it you tell him "This is not eating your food this is playing with your food, I'll take it that you are not hungry.  I'll help you down" and take him away from the table. Meal time is over. And I really would take him away from the table.
I would generally give another chance, if my DS was doing something like this and I removed him from the table he might suddenly realise I am serious and ask to come back to the table. I'd repeat the expectation and tell him quite seriously this is his last chance and he may only join us if he is going to eat and ask him "Are you going to eat?" if he can say (or indicate) yes then I'd let him back up to the table.  But that really would be the last chance and I'd tell him so.

I am assuming you have a pretty usual feeding routine of 3 meals and a couple of snacks per day at predictable times so there are enough opportunities for your DS to eat and not starve. Removing him from the table for a few meals is not starving him, you have not "withheld" food you have offered a meal.  It's only going to be a few hours before his next meal or snack time comes and you go through the same routine.  It's only going to take a few days of you being quite serious about your expectations for him to get the message and change his habits.
You have to keep telling yourself you are not starving him. Don't play the game where he quickly takes a bite so he can stay at the table. I would remove him fully from the table and from there it is only 1 chance if he asks to return.  You do need to be determined to see it through. If he gets very upset I would cuddle him and talk to him but remain firm that flicking breadcrumbs around or smearing peanut butter across your face is not acceptable at the dinner table.  By the time you remove him from the table the second time he has had 3 chances to eat his meal, this is not starving your child.
You may go a bit hungry yourself during the process if you need to leave the table to help him with his emotions but I'd be ok with that personally. It's likely only a few days.

A couple of other things. Don't expect him to eat too much, they do still have little tummies at this age and often parents expect LOs to have bigger appetites than they can manage.  Do model good table manners for him, have meal times together so he can see how Mummy does it and so he can feel the pleasure of sharing family meal time at the table.  I never joined my DS in snack times other than having a cup of tea but I felt it very important to have the 3 meals per day with him to demonstrate good habits.

[MommyN]

Wow! Thank you for such a long and detailed response!!
I am very determined and will follow your plan to the best of my ability. It's not always possible for me to sit and eat along with him while juggling his and 8 month old DS2's needs, but I will try my best! We always eat together as a family when DH is home over the weekends. He comes from a family of very petite people with small appetites, so I'm used to that and I don't think I'm expecting him to eat too much...

[weaver]

It's not always possible for me to sit and eat along with him while juggling his and 8 month old DS2's needs, but I will try my best!

I think we have a similar age gap  - I'd encourage you to really try to sit down together to eat.  We always did at those ages, and it made a lovely break/change of rhythm for all of us, and the children really learned that sitting down together was a nice thing to do, and had lots of practice at it and became quite good at it!

[creations]

I'd encourage you to really try to sit down together to eat.

Yes absolutely. It can make such a big difference to how much they eat, how interested they are in food and how they learn to view meal times to see you eating with them as a valued time in the day. Maybe your 8 month old can self feed?
I must admit these days I don't eat breakfast with DS, I only have coffee, but if his breakfast eating or behaviour went off track my first step to getting back on track would be to make time to sit and eat a meal with him at that time (even though I really don't want to eat)...and he's almost 5yo.

[MommyN]

Okay, thanks ladies! You've got me convinced. I'll work on making it more of a priority. I usually have a coffee while he eats breakfast and feed the baby his solids breakfast at the same time. Breakfast manners are usually okay. Lunch is during playgroup. That's when the pb on the face happens... But the instructor tells him to stop and then he eats nicely. I spoke to her today about being firm with the "no playing with food." Dinner time is the worst...

Maybe your 8 month old can self feed?

It's actually quite funny: when I put pieces of food on his tray he gets very excited and picks them up and plays around and then looks at me expectantly, as if to say "hey feed me!" He'll put it in his mouth if I hand it to him.

[creations]

Maybe do a mix of showing him how to bring the food to his mouth once he's picked it up by just gently guiding his hand and making some comments about yummy food and mmmm sounds, and also handing him pieces whilst you eat your own food too.  Your 8 month old that is   It could help your 2.5yo if he sees his younger sibling eating nicely too.  It's funny how sometimes they have this expectation of the parent feeding them, I remember a few times mine opened his mouth like a little bird and I'd tell him "here you go, you do it", maybe it comes from Mummy giving the breast/bottle so the expectation is there of being fed rather than self feeding, but even younger than 8 months can self feed very well once they get the idea.

[MommyN]

by just gently guiding his hand and making some comments about yummy food and mmmm sounds,

I've been doing that. I'm not that worried. I know he'll get it eventually. He LOVES to eat, quite unlike his big brother, and is a pleasure to feed. I just hope that big brother will learn from little brother and not the other way around. I could use more finger food ideas though...

[weaver]

But the instructor tells him to stop and then he eats nicely. I spoke to her today about being firm with the "no playing with food."

OK so if he's not at home with you at that point, it could be an attention thing, as in it's a different dynamic from just you, him and other LO sitting together, there are more children etc.  It is quite normal for children to get food on their faces

Dinner time is the worst...

Quite likely because he's tired by then, or has perhaps had almost enough to eat during the day? My LO2 often seems to eat almost nothing at dinner time but then she sleeps just fine and wakes up ready for breakfast, I think she's tired and basically full by that time of day.

[MommyN]

I agree that him being tired at that point may be contributing to the problem. I'm considering rearranging our day so that dinner is at say 4:00, and then he can have something light before bed if he wants. Till now it's been come home at 1:30, nap till 3, play outside (weather permitting) and dinner at around 5:30. The thing is, his playgroup has lunch and healthy snack at 11 and a "filling" snack i.e. pretzels/biscuits/crackers etc. at 1. I think he has too long of a stretch without a proper meal, so then there's too much snacking. What do you say to a proper meal at 4 and then play outside afterwards? Then if he wants to snack, he's already had his meal so that's okay.

[creations]

Sounds like a great plan. Very many LOs like to eat earlier rather than later anyway, 4pm sounds great
My DS had dinner at 4.15 for ages, I think it only moved later when he went to bed much later (before he dropped his nap that is, then dinner and BT moved earlier again). I also offered a light supper with a small milk drink just over an hour before BT/sleep time.

Even now at almost 5yo dinner is 4.30 to 5pm (he is more flexible on that half hour now where as when younger he needed it to be on time although this may also be because he sometimes misses afternoon snack at school so gets an after school snack at 3.15) for a 7pm BT.  Eating dinner that early is really not my natural preference but I've found my way around this by having a snack later in the evening myself.

[weaver]

I'd definitely play with the time, but keep an open mind on quantities! It's not really how much but the quality and variety of the food he eats, iyswim. So if, from his behaviour, he seems like he's just not very hungry at that time, perhaps offer something you feel is highly nutritious/needed to balance his diet at that time, like scrambled egg or soup.  Then he gets something hot and nutritious and he might have a slice of toast later.  I know if I offered the egg plus toast, the toast would be eaten and some egg, but if it's just the egg, then all the egg is eaten.  I'm unlikely to offer more egg later, but the piece of toast is easy to do. Not sure how clear I'm being! Hope it's helpful in some way!

[Katet]

It is completely unacceptable in our house!

I agree with this for a 10yo, but at 2.5yo it's a completely different situation, he's at the "little Scientist"stage of life & he's experimenting, he wants to learn about what if feels what happens etc. Also when you describe what the 8mo does when handed food it sounds like he's "playing" so if it gets a reaction (help) from the 8mo it makes sense the 2.5yo will try it too. Children learn 100% of what is modelled to them BUT it takes time & they need to see it around them BUT they also need to do it at an age appropriate pace & at his age taste is only part of the food experience, texture is also part & understanding the food properties is really important, the texture in the hand does contribute to sensory seeking children & the lack of being able to explore that texture can be a factor in them being pickier not less, so in many ways I'd take a step back & look at why this is such a big issue to you as TBH at 2.5yo he is doing EXACTLY what his body is telling him he needs to do to develop his neural pathways in his brain & possibly by stopping it you are slowing his natural developmental process.

TBH with the value of experience the more issue you make out of your "need" for it not to happen the more struggle you will have with it, do you ever see 8yo's having the same behaviour? or even 5yo's?  so really the key is to work out what you can do to re-channel that need to "play" in an acceptable way or realise it's really one of those things that you kind of need to let go of & say "this too will pass" & accept in his developmental stage he needs to be in the "messy" side of food.

Also to help out with it let him cut out shapes in a slice of bread with a cookie cutter, let him play in a bowl of flour & water (although corn starch/corn flour is less mess) let him play with a bowl (or 2) of dry pasta & he can learn about food.

[MommyN]

Thanks for your reply. I guess this would fall under different families tolerating things differently... I understand that he is only 2.5 and that he needs to experiment and learn about the world. However, it needs to be in an appropriate way. I do not consider shredding your food till it is inedible and throwing it across the kitchen an appropriate way to experiment with textures- even for a 2.5 yo. That's for the sandbox, play dough, the bath, "helping" mommy cook, playing with the fallen leaves outside etc. "Re-channeling the need to play in an acceptable way," as you mentioned. I do not expect him to eat perfectly like an adult. I do look away from what I believe is age appropriate experimenting and/or the kind of behaviors that will pass. For example, licking the cover of his yogurt when he opens it, opening up his sandwich before eating it, rolling his turkey up and eating it like that etc.
I try to "start as I mean to go on." Food is for eating, not for playing and wasting. We eat politely at the table. And yes, I have seen older children with bad table manners. I am trying to go about teaching manners in a light way that will not cause negative associations and make things worse/ make him more picky.
I don't mean to attack, I just feel very strongly about this.

[MommyN]

So if, from his behaviour, he seems like he's just not very hungry at that time, perhaps offer something you feel is highly nutritious/needed to balance his diet at that time, like scrambled egg or soup.

I did this yesterday. He was hungry, but not used to the early dinner time yet. He had some sliced turkey. Then we went out and he had whole wheat crackers in the park. He also had a yogurt before BT.

Not sure how clear I'm being! Hope it's helpful in some way!

You were very clear. Thanks for being so helpful!

He asked to eat when he came home from playgroup before his nap. He ate nicely for a few minutes and then started to play around. We gave him some chances like Creations said and then took him away from the table. He was upset but I hugged him and explained again why he had to leave the table. I think he's starting to get it.

[creations]

I do not consider shredding your food till it is inedible and throwing it across the kitchen an appropriate way to experiment with textures

I agree, there's no way I'd allow this to happen with a meal for a 2.5yo or an 8 month old (and I wouldn't tell either age off for it, I would just stop it and set them up for greater success at meal times).  As you've said, there are other activities which can be set up for exploring which is really important

One thing which popped into my head this morning because you mentioned breaded chicken, does he like this chicken at other times?  Do you think there may be a dislike to the texture of the crumbed outer?  Just wondering if there's a chance he may be thinking the crumb is 'grit' or 'dirt' and he needs to get rid of it?  Whilst there are some general tips to follow WRT meal times there might also be some specific aspects which could be changed.  My DS for instance has never liked 'bits' so rice, cous cous, cauliflower (and broccoli head although he will now eat this), quinoa are all off the menu, he doesn't like puree/mashed foods so no mashed potato, no mashed carrot and swede etc, he doesn't mind a 'dip' (humous) as he must sense a different texture or flavour there, and he wouldn't eat soup until he was about 4yo. When listed in this way he must sound incredibly picky but he is quite the opposite, has a vast list of liked foods and is very happy to try new foods and flavours.  The things he doesn't like he really doesn't like, if I offered those every day I'd really struggle.

[Katet]

FWIW I didn't have a child who played with food & I doubt I would have found it acceptable or coped well with it either but I also never said you should just accept it.  I was putting the point forward that if you can understand the reasons why it is happening  you will go a long way to understanding how you can change his behaviour to not play with food in a positive way, rather than just needing him to stop, you can help him stop, while not stopping his neural development either.

And yes, I have seen older children with bad table manners. I am trying to go about teaching manners in a light way that will not cause negative associations and make things worse/ make him more picky.
I don't mean to attack, I just feel very strongly about this.

If you look at those families it's pretty easy to see why the children eat with poor manners, it's the modelling

I don't feel it as attacking at all, I've been around long enough to feel very confident in my experiences, but I do think it is ALWAYS important to understand what is actually developmentally normal for a child (which is a wide range) if you are going to help them learn long term.

 As I said (for what ever reason) didn't have children who played with food but I did have a child who bit other children & I learnt (through a best friend who is a developmental psychologist) that there is a HUGE difference between doing nothing & simply  helping them practice different/preferred ways without it getting to the point that it is about what is unacceptable or not. The point I'm making is that there generally isn't a "quick fix" to change a child's behaviour where it is "developmental" & whether we find it acceptable or not, our dislike of it isn't going to change it just because we tell them "we don't do that/stop " we need to model what we do want & give them chances to find alternatives (eg with the biting, realising it happened when children were in his personal space, so preventing that) and to do that needs to be an understanding of what motivates them to do the "undesirable" behaviour rather than just needing it to stop.

[MommyN]

One thing which popped into my head this morning because you mentioned breaded chicken, does he like this chicken at other times?  Do you think there may be a dislike to the texture of the crumbed outer?

Funny you mention that, because he has always liked smooth textures like pasta, yogurt, peanut butter etc. and it surprises me that he likes this kind of chicken. But he does! It is the one healthy dinner food that he will almost always eat.

Thanks for the clarification Katet. I'm not sure where this behavior is coming from. I think that it is worse when he's tired. That's why I'm experimenting with changing around his meal times.

[Katet]

I'm not sure where this behavior is coming from.

It's probably just that he's exploring texture & needing to do lots of "messy" play which is normal at that age. It's like children throwing toys, they need to "throw" so it's a matter of transfering it to an acceptable place so they *can* do what their body needs. That's the thing toddlers & preschoolers tend to be hard wired to do EXACTLY what their body needs developmentally & they will keep doing it because they don't have the impulse control to say "Mum says that isn't acceptable so I will stop" & that's because their developmental drive will tend to need to override any message that counters them doing what their body is telling them it needs to "explore" All the pulling apart is about fine motor skills (which are really important) & so that's why he will be doing it because he's needing that developmental stimulation.