Hugs honey, I know this is hard for you.
You are right, there isn't much to update on when you have been away so things have not been set up for the best success just yet but it's ok to update and seek extra support when you feel you need it.
Sleep training is not easy. let me try to respond to some of what you've said:
You said he will sleep .. I wonder when ... :-((( with these 'naps' I have no down time at all and I am finding it very hard.
Sorry honey but you can't expect Y time during sleep training unless you call in the back up and get them to take LO during A time so you can rest/nap. Some times people share the work with DH, sometimes Mum does all the sleep training but has someone to take LO in A time, then mum picks up the responsibility at nap time again (ie the hard part).
I do acknowledge is it hard. it is not going to be like this for ever. I would advise to see it through now you're in it otherwise all this that you and LO have gone through already will be for nothing...and next time you try it could take longer because LO could think it's just a matter of crying longer to get you to change back to what he wants, the props.
As soon as i leave the room he screams (do i leave the room when he screams - do i go right back in when he screams?
Don't leave the room if he's screaming (unless you feel you absolutely must walk away to take a breather, sorry some parents do get to the end of their tether, it is safer to walk away if you reach the end of your but otherwise you stay and stay. If you do need to walk away try to say "I'm coming back" leave the room calm yourself, count to 10 if needed, then return when you have control of yourself, when you return say "I'm back" and give him a cuddle).
If he is calm and you leave the room and he screams, yes you go right back. With BW methods we do not agree with leaving LO to cry alone for any period of time (other than for safety reasons as said above).
There is no such thing as settling him in his cot, the only way is to pick him up, but as soon as I put him down (as soon as he stops crying) he starts screaming again, and again and again.
If you need to pick up then do so. When calm put down. When he scrams pick up. Use shush/pat in arms or in the cot when you can or a key phrase if the shushing bothers him (sorry I forgot what he prefers and haven't had time to read back). At some point he will be so close to sleep that he will basically nod off the second you pick him up, at this point put down right away and keep your hands close so you can briefly pick up again if he screams again. When you put down you can keep your hands on him for reassurance.
Feels like cio just with me there (making it no better if not worse!)
Research on rhesus monkeys shows that cortisol (stress) levels are low or barely detectable when the parent in in view and he can hear her in contrast to extremely high (damaging) levels where young monkeys cannot see or hear their mother and receive no comfort. Monkeys who can see/hear/touch their mother might cry longer and louder than those who have no mother present but this is because those without the mother present 'give up'. I strongly believe that crying with you present is not at all the same as CIO or CC. your LO might well cry louder and longer but his stress levels are low, it is not harmful to his brain development and he knows he is safe, so long as you are there he knows 'mum says this is ok so I must be safe' it isn't going to stop him shouting in frustration though. He has had props for, what, 8 months? so he has been taught this is how to sleep and now yo are changing the rules, of course he will shout and cry. Try to be reassured that this is not CIO.
You said he will sleep .. I wonder when ...
Every nap in the cot with the same WD and the same rules, he will get it in 3 days. I'm afraid if you keep changing the rules he will not get it so soon, trips away, car naps, carrier naps etc are not going to teach him how things are going to be. It is the consistency plus parental support which will help him learn to sleep independently.
You said not to go down the road of pupd yet. Why not?
PUPD is a last resort method. We always use shush/pat (or adapted, key phrase with firm hand say) before PUPD because it is gentler and because after initial sleep training you will need something to return to time and again to help you LO during normal struggles (illness developmental leaps, teething, nightmares etc), you want LO to associate something with comfort a stroke or pat a key phrase if not shush, rather than always waiting until he is screaming and starting PUPD.
In addition PUPD cannot be used where there are props in place. In your case the temptation to mix with props is, I think too strong. You haven't yet had a clear run of sleep training to try PUPD anyway with the car naps, carrier naps etc.
When do I use PU/PD? 10 Reasons You Cannot Use Pu/Pdbut doesn't all this shushing and stroking and singing just make him more dependent on me there?
Not more dependent on you, more trusting of you. the more you are there (but without the props) the more he learns to trust that you will *always* come when he needs you. That is the point at which he feels safe and confident to fall asleep alone because he *knows* you will always always respond to a need, he can trust you so much that he doesn't need you.
It's not helping my sister is visiting and she keeps saying to just give him to her and after 3 nights (of crying) she'll have him sorted.
I'm sorry that your sister is not supportive. Personally I'd tell her to mind her own if she isn't going to offer the sort of support you could use/need/accept. She could offer to take LO during A time so you can rest and you will do the sleep training.
CIO breaks the bond of trust it is damaging for LOs, I wouldn't fall out with your sister over this but neither would I listen to her.
Research on why 'cry it out' and 'controlled crying' is NOT recommended!Again I want to reassure you that supporting your child whilst sleep training, being there responding to him, picking him up, using a key phrase or shush/pat is not the same as CIO.
You wanted to commit to this before returning to work. commit from now, cot naps and nights with your support, and you will see results, and not results that are harmful but results that maintain your LOs trust in you.
hugs, I know you are tired. Try to remember your aim, try not to listen to unhelpful people.
xx