15 month old fighting bedtime & waking early - only when mummy does bedtime

[clairebear79]

Hi, this is my first post here for quite a long time!

DD is 15 months now & due to fitting in with older brother's school runs/activities she transitioned to 1 nap at about 10/11 months (though she wasn't really ready to).

Since the beginning of December teething, repeated colds & developmental leaps caused awful nights with screaming at bedtime, repeated NW & her becoming dependent on sleeping upright on my knee. Probably OT too from the early transition to 1 nap.

In the last couple of weeks this finally seems to have passed & she now goes in the cot awake but we are struggling a bit with bedtime & EW.  Me & DH have started to alternate doing her bedtime (up til now I always did it) & I'm finding she is going down very quickly & easily on the nights DH does it then sleeping a full 12hr night, but is taking aaaages to fall asleep on the nights I do BT, & is then without fail waking super early at 4.30-5am the next morning. So while we aim for up at 7am nap 12-2 bed at 7pm, we are getting

Days when I do BT :
Up 7am
Nap 12-2pm
Bed 8pm (we aim for 7pm/7.30 latest but she cries & throws dummy out of cot etc etc & wont settle unless she can hold my hand to fall asleep. Taking 40mins -1hr to settle)

Next day (when DH does BT)
Up 4.50-5.30am (wakes crying. I used to get her back to sleep on my knee but lately is refusing this)
Nap 11/11.30-1/1.30 (needs nap earlier due to EW)
BT 7pm (she goes in cot no fuss no hand holding & straight to sleep for DH & does an 11.5-12hr night - prob coz she's shattered)

Naptime she goes down awake & self settles no problem so no idea why I have this issue at bedtime. The only time she has settled well for me is a day she had only 40 mins nap & was exhausted. This makes me wonder if i'm doing bedtime too early on my days but if I was then surely we wouldnt be getting this EW the next day which seems more OT to me?

I dont make a fuss of her at BT when she plays up just repeat 'lay down its bedtime' & pick dummies up without comment so dont know why we are in this cycle of one short 9hr night followed by a long day & 12hr night. It feels like an UT/OT loop of some sort but dont know why. Do you think her routine needs a tweak? What's typical for this age?

We have also started waking her from her naps after 2hours which I hate doing - dont know if thats relevant but she was regularly having 2.5-3 hours but then she was a total nightmare to get down at bedtime & not asleep til gone 8.30pm (& still up at 5am next day) so we thought we should try. She is marginally better at bedtime for capping it but much more grumpy.

Any ideas/help I'm lost! Tia

[cath~]

I wonder if she could be a touch UT on the days when you do BT (after having had a good night's sleep the night before, and no EW).  This could cause the BT struggles and poss the EW too.

Could your DH do BT for a few days in a row to see if you can work out if it's a routine problem or if it's you (sorry, that sounds a bit odd, but DD1 always used to resist BT much more when I did it than when DH did it)?

If you had him doing it for a few days, perhaps you could work out a stable routine and then you'd know where you stood a bit more?

[clairebear79]

Hi cath thanks for your reply. I had wondered about UT & whether she needs more like a 13hr day, but just dont understand why I then get a miserable EW the next day. I didnt think we'd be in nap capping territory just yet :-(

She was up at 4.50am today & was so crabby I had to put her down for a nap at 10.30am. I've let her sleep today & she's just had 3hrs! Probably ruin bedtime today but hey ho its DH's turn!

I like the idea of trying just DH doing bedtime for a while, I'd not thought of that so will suggest that to him.

We both suspect its just a 'mummy' thing though - she's a real mummy's girl & in DH's words she 'tolerates' him doing BT but wants me.

I'd love to get to the point where I can put her down & leave the room & her go to sleep too - she does it fine at nap but never at bedtime - any suggestions on how to progress the GW? Or another tactic?

[cath~]

dont understand why I then get a miserable EW the next day

Are you with her at BT when she nods off?  How much help do you give her?  Maybe she has a natural rousing early in the morning and then can't get back to sleep/wants you because you were with her when she nodded off?

any suggestions on how to progress the GW?

What are you doing at BT at the moment?  If she nods off OK for you at nap time then hopefully you should be able to progress quite quickly with BT too.  Has she ever nodded off independently at BT for you? However, I've always found with my two that they can nod off quite quickly at nap time, but at BT it can take them longer to fully wind down and nod off.  It's like they have to process the day first, but don't feel the need to do this at nap time at all.

We both suspect its just a 'mummy' thing though - she's a real mummy's girl & in DH's words she 'tolerates' him doing BT but wants me.

This was exactly DD1 as well.  She's much better with both of us now she's older though.

[clairebear79]

She is an independent sleeper at naptime & was at bedtime too from around 6-12 months before it all went to pot! She has always preferred me to be nearby as she falls asleep though. I have always put her in bed awake with her teddy & dummy, say night night then its lights out & I sit quietly in a chair next to her cot while she goes to sleep then I leave.

Now she immediately starts crying/calling 'mamaa'/throwing teddies/dummies. She is very aware that I'm there & the only way I can get her to calm down & lay down is to lay on the floor next to the cot & hold her hand. Then she still takes an age to fall asleep.

DH does what I used to do - sits in the chair next to her cot & she just lays down & settles to sleep no problem. No calling no dummy throwing, nothing. Even after a 3 hour nap today she went straight down for him at 7.30pm. 

[cath~]

A first step in GW then would prob be to stop holding her hand.  After that it shouldn't be too hard to gradually move further away as you settle her.

If stopping holding her hand is too abrupt, you could try making less and less contact with it, or do a kind of wiwo with it, ie return you hand to her if/when she gets upset for it, but then take it away again, so she learns that it's not staying.

[clairebear79]

A first step in GW then would prob be to stop holding her hand. 

Ok thanks, def think thats a good start. We've decided to initially try your suggestion of a week of dh bedtimes & see what happens. Once I start doing it again I'll try not hand holding.

In the mean time would you suggest DH deal with any NW too? Thats usually all left to me & not sure how I deal with it helps.

Last night for example, DD woke crying at 3am & I went down to her, gave a quick cuddle & encouraged her to lay down. She then fussed & cried & kept reaching for my hand. I laid next to the cot & held her hand but after an hour & a half she still hadnt settled & was getting quite upset. I was at work today & really needed some sleep so I got her out, sat in the chair with her on my knee, she snuggled up & went straight to sleep. She woke again at 5.30am but I managed to resettle her then she was up for the day at 6.15am. I wondered if the NW was due to the 3hr nap yesterday but then the instant I cuddled her she went right to sleep. It feels like she was holding out all that time for me to give in & cuddle her, (in fact I half wonder if this is what she's holding out for whenever I do BT) but I feel I don't have much choice when its a work night - I need her back asleep as quickly as possible so she doesnt disturb DS & so I can sleep too.

[cath~]

Hmm, I'm not really sure about NWs.  Would she and your DH be ok with him handling all of them?

I'd think that if you were handling a NW though, you should prob deal with it as you always have, as the MOTN prob isn't the best time to start affecting a change..  Once you've tackled the hand holding at BT though, then I'd think that's probably a better time to start trying to offer less comfort with the NWs. WDYT?

Having said that, I've always found that with NWs I give more reasurance/comfort than at BT as a rule and it doesn't seem to cause more NWs, so long as BT is as independent as possible.

How have the last few BTs and nights been?

[clairebear79]

Would she and your DH be ok with him handling all of them?

Probably not lol. I've always done them because she has always got very distraught if DH goes to her in the night. Admittedly we've not tried for a couple of months tho - maybe next time!

DH has done 4 BT's in a row & she's gone down quickly with no fuss for all of them. Tonight I had to do it as DH was out & she got upset initially but I stayed in the chair no hand holding. She was exhausted so settled after 5mins.

The last few days have looked like this. I'm logging it not so much for you but as a record for me (as I still feel this is more of a 'mummy' thing than a routine thing) but if you see anything you think is 'off' please do say!

Wed
Up - 7am
Nap - 12-2pm
BT - 7.50pm (me - pd at 7pm & fussed/cried til 7.50)

Thu
EW - 4.50am (9hrs sleep)
Nap - 10.30-1.30 (catch up from EW)
BT - 7.30 (DH - straight to sleep)
NW - 3-4.30am, 5.30(resettled quickly)

Fri
Up - 6.15am (10.75 - 1.5hr NW = 9.25hrs)
Nap - 11-1pm
BT - 7pm (DH - straight to sleep)

Sat
Up - 6.50am
Nap - 12.50-1.40 (in pushchair as out for the day)
BT - 7pm (DH - straight to sleep)

Sun
Up - 7am
Nap - 12-2pm
Bed - 7pm (DH - straight to sleep)
NW - 4.40-5am (woke coughing & crying - I resettled her on my knee)

Mon (today)
Up - 6.05am
Nap - 1.15-2pm (at childminders in pushchair after she refused sleeping in the cot at 12.45 probably because OT!)
BT - 7pm (me - cried initially but settled after 5 mins)

[cath~]

Hello,

How are things going?

DH has done 4 BT's in a row & she's gone down quickly with no fuss for all of them.

Sounds like, although there's a bit of understandable variation in her routine from day to day (due NWs/EWs..) you know her sleep needs pretty well and it's working well.  My guess would then be that this is more of a "Mummy" thing then than routine.

Tonight I had to do it as DH was out & she got upset initially but I stayed in the chair no hand holding. She was exhausted so settled after 5mins.

that's good - so you know she *can* do it, quickly and w/o holding hands.

Have you done any other BTs recently?

DYT she could be teething with the NWs/EWs?

[clairebear79]

Hi

Just wanted to come back with a quick update to say in the last 2 weeks we have finally managed to put DD down and leave the room straight away without her crying!  No idea why the change, but she'd been settling well for DH then playing up for me, so I persevered & gradually shifted across the room til I was by the door & she could no longer see me, then the next night I sat outside & voila!!! 

She's still very clingy for mummy but its such a relief to not have to sit in the dark in her room for hours each night!

[cath~]

that's great!  so pleased to hear your update