Help me spot tired cues and stop the crying!

[creations]

You haven't done anything wrong xxx  You've cared for and attended to your LO, you've kept her close and loved her, what could be wrong about those things?
As I said in an earlier post, I couldn't AP my DS, he was like the opposite of your LO, he wanted his bed to sleep in and wouldn't sleep anywhere else, not in arms, not in the push chair...I felt very similar to you really, why won't he sleep on me? Why doesn't he find comfort in me?  It was so rare that he would nod off on me (teething or illness) that I would stay perfectly still so I could cherish it, and get someone to take a photograph!!
I remember one night in particular, his reflux was bad, he couldn't sleep, he was screaming and screaming, I held him for hours, he didn't want me to hold him so he was screaming for his bed but if I put him down he was screaming because of his reflux pain and because he couldn't sleep, in the end I just resigned myself to the screaming and told him I was going to be there no matter what and that I was sorry he wanted his bed but I couldn't possibly leave him in his bed crying like that so had to hold him.  wow, it went on and on and on...and eventually he passed out in my arms. It was not an enjoyable experience at all but I felt afterwards that we had somehow bonded all the more.
Your LO might not be sleeping well and you might feel somehow inferior because she doesn't appear to gain instant comfort from your cuddles but you are not alone, many many parents have felt this way, and being there for her (even if it doesn't feel like you are comforting her) is immensely important, she knows you are there, she knows you are not giving up on her.
Many hugs.

[Graysor]

Thank you both again for your support. It really helps to have some kind words when it all feels too much.

I keep reading about how important daytime sleep is for babies, and how bad crying is for them which is of course making me feel even worse.  Especially as I can rarely get her to nap longer than 30 mins even in the sling now.

We've been keeping on and trying to use sone of your suggestions.

I think doing the wd in the sling is helping a bit.  She still cries, but it feels like for less time.  I'm doing quite well with conditioning our muslins as a comforter. And I've started to use white noise as another sleep time cue.

I'm still having no luck with either w2s or resettling.  I think part of the problem is that it takes so long to get her down for a nap ( 45 mins ish, regardless of how much A time before i start wd) that she is very hungry when she wakes up after 30 mins making the resettle almost impossible. 

I know there are no magic answers so I'll have to keep trying for now.

[creations]

I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling.

WRT waking and being too hungry to resettle. How about just try a top up feed before the nap? Just to see?  I know none of us wants LO to feed to sleep, or to create a snack habit, but if you try a feed before nap just once or twice to see if she sleeps better fuller?  If she falls to sleep feeding you can wake her as you put her down (she would wake anyway I assume).

I know that awful feeling of crying being terribly bad for LO, I felt that way too. I feel differently since I read more research on crying I just feel now like I understand it more. I believe from what I've read that stress level are extremely low if babies are with their parent and being cared for, it is not the same as being left to cry alone. So whilst it feels very horrible for you try to be a little encouraged that your LO  is not getting damage to her development or brain through high levels of stress because you are with her through all of this so she knows she is safe even if she has a lot to complain about xxx

[Graysor]

Hmm, yes I will give a quick pre nap feed a go. I've been reluctant, because of not wanting to create a prop, but I think now just getting any kind of decent nap is more important.

Thats reassuring to hear about the crying being less damaging if they are not left alone. My dd just seems so absolutely furious and distressed that it's hard to see how it's not doing her harm. Could you suggest some things to read that will put my mind at rest a bit?

Today I've spent nearly 4 hours in the dark bedroom with the white noise on, holding, slinging and shush patting while dd cried. All that and she's slept for 2 30 min naps. This afternoon she resisted her nap for over an hour till I had to abandon completely. It's sending me absolutely potty.

[creations]

Could you suggest some things to read that will put my mind at rest a bit?

The FAQ in the Sleep FAQ board on CIO/CC may be a useful read, although bare in mind it's purpose is to inform parents who have used or considering using CC methods which is not what you've done.
There was a study by Harlow on rhesus monkeys which is covered in all sorts of articles, you could have a google and read around - it's a horrible experiment but many believe it is justified as it makes clear the need for attachment and response.  The danger to development (brain development, ability to attach and grow to become a stable adult) comes from not being responded to, this is absolutely not what is happening with your LO, you are there, responding, she is not abandoned.
Whilst I know this is extremely hard for you, I am confident that your LO knows you are there and is learning that her cries are attended to by a loving nurturing Mummy.  Perhaps if you read around a little you will become confident in that too?

I must admit, you're having a tough time of it. Your own health is vital too honey, if you are finding this too difficult to continue right now you might want to consider trying for the cot nap just once per day or indeed giving it a break for a while, regain your strength and emotional energy and then trying again in a couple of weeks or so?  We would usually say that consistency is the key to sleep training, it is confusing and unfair to go backwards and forward reducing props, telling LO to sleep in the cot then going back on that and doing sling naps etc, I'm sure you can see the confusion for LO, but *your* mental and emotional health is always more important than independent sleeping. If you are spending so much time in the dark room it can be utterly draining.
Could i suggest that if you are willing to continue to move towards independent sleep, you make sure you get out and about at some time in the day, is there a park you could visit perhaps?  I know when I had a rough patch of sleep with my LO (4 or 5 40 min naps per day) one of the things that really helped was to get out to the park for at least one A time, feel the natural light on your skin, breath the air, look at the trees, listen to the birds. It was a short trip for us but worth the effort.