How to move away from co-sleeping?

[mtemte]

So my DD is almost 6 months old (already?!?!) and for various reasons, including health issues she had surgery etc, in order to provide reassurance, we have been cosleeping since pretty much the beginning. She is also breastfed and we have started weaning.
She still feeds several times during the night but tends to snack - so not full on feeds but more like a few gulps here and a few gulps there throughout the night. I am hoping to start putting her in her cot gradually over the coming weeks and was looking for some tips on how to best achieve this in the most gradual process possible. My issues are the following:
- she is used to sleeping beside me. When she stirs  and I am not there, she wakes (this is often an issue when I put her down at the beginning of the night, as she wakes several times in between that time and my going to bed).
- If I try to move over in the bed, she scoots after me
- She needs to suckle to get back to sleep. I am going to try the Gentle Removal Plan with this (hard during the night when all you want to do is sleep)!
- She will not take a soother
- Very often all she wants is Mummy and often even Daddy cannot rock her back to sleep

I tried putting her in her bedroom to see if she would sleep better (in case we were disturbing her) but she was waking constantly.  I have just this week put her cot next to my bed and tried having her sleep there (side removed so it resembles a cosleeper) but she wakes every hour or so - she stirs in her sleep and when she realises Im not beside her, she wakes fully. No amount of patting, shushing etc will coach her back to sleep. I have tried putting a stuffed toy beside her to mimick my presence. It hasnt worked to now.

So, has anyone in this situation any tips please?
TIA!

[michaeljacknnugg]

Will be back later!

[becj86]

OK, so sounds like you're changing a lot of things for her. First off, it helps if her routine is right for her, so you're not expecting her to sleep when she's not tired enough or overtired, etc. Can you write out how her days go in terms of sleep - when, where, how, how long?
eg.
7 - wake up, feed
9 - nap in pram, 45min
11 - feed
etc.

You can do this sleep training pretty gradually if you like - I think that is most reasonable given that her entire life all she has known is sleeping by you. There is a balance to strike between getting her enough sleep and teaching her to sleep independently. I don't think you can expect that she won't cry or that she won't find it difficult to get to sleep and stay asleep, at least for the first few days. 

Also, we need to take into account her medical condition(s) - anything we need to know there? eg. if she needs to eat at certain intervals or needs to minimise energy expenditure to ensure she grows/heals, etc.

[mtemte]

Thanks so much for coming back to me.

OK cut a long story short, she had severe reflux from 4 weeks which is now under control with medication which we are thankfully managing to reduce slightly. She was also born with a cleft lip so at 3 months had surgery for that. She was in a really good routine (sleeping in her own bed for most of the night) before spending 8 days in hospital in March and since then has been sleeping beside me, as the surgery was very traumatic for her (surgery, nasal and throat aspirations several times a day for a week etc. Prior to the surgery she had been combo fed with a couple of bottles of thickend milk for her reflux during the day and the remainder breastfeeding (I would have put it at 50/50). Since the surgery, she has completely refused the bottle from everyone so has been exclusively breastfed since then. We started weaning at 18 weeks due to reflux and the fact that she was losing weight from refusing the bottle.

Fast forward to today, she is 6 months next week and weighs 8.7kgs so weight is no longer an issue. I am back to work for 5 weeks now and she is with a childminder 6-7 hours a day who, due to the fact that the baby is refusing bottle, is mixing milk with purees for lunch and snack. Her routine atm is as follows:

7.30am awake and very small breastfeed (never hungry in the mornings)
9/9.30am nap at childminders (self soothes to sleep at CM)
10.30/11 - start lunch (as its spoonfed, it takes a long time!) approx. 200gms puree + 120mls milk
1pm nap self soothes
3/3.30 awake
3.30 snack fruit puree with 120mls milk
5/5.30 nap of about 20 mins
6.30pm breastfeed and puree
7pm Bath
7.30/8pm breastfeed and falls asleep at the breast
All night snacks at the breast - no "real" feed, just snacks

During the night she wakes and roots for me, once she finds the breast she will suckle a little and go back to sleep. I have been keeping her in my bed as up until recently she ha sbeen feeding a lot at night and, as she will not take bottle during the day, I did not want to restrict her milk intake by trying to get her to sleep by herself. Over the coming weeks I am introducing carbohydrates, dairy etc into her diet so I am reassured by her nutritional intake now that she is not solely relying on milk for nutrition. Plus, there has been so much upheaval for her up to now between reflux, then surgery then my going back to work that I didn't want to do anything before now. She is settled at the CM now, who is very good with her. The childminder however does not rock to sleep as she has 2 other babies to look after.

Bedtime routine is rigid, food, bath, story, song, breasftfeed and she falls asleep at breast. Either I leave her in my bed, as she feeds lying down or I move her to her bed with her mobile music on. She will 99% of the time wake several times between her bedtime and my bedtime, which is understandable with all the props she needs to fall asleep (breast, me beside her etc).

Sorry for long post but I want to ensure to paint the full picture!
TIA!

[becj86]

Long post is good, can't do much to help if we don't know what's going on

Ok, does she self settle for naps at home on the weekend? How long are her naps at CM and at home?

WRT BT - I think one of the more important things to do is to reduce the feed to sleep association for BT. So one idea is to transition the song to between BF and sleep - eg. start singing as feed is coming to an end, burp her and rouse her a bit, place her into her crib and sing and hold a hand on her while she falls asleep - just gradually put her down more and more awake and provide less assistance for her as she falls asleep and she can learn gradually. Part of a baby's survival toolkit is to wake and alert their carer by crying if things have changed since they fell asleep - so if she falls asleep in her crib with you singing, she will learn eventually that breast is not so critical to sleeping. This will take time but its worth doing.

I think part of why she's waking throughout the evening could well be the props, but also she's probably overtired from a lot of napping early in the day and not much in the afternoon - she could even be extending her night with that first nap to compensate for the poor evening sleep. I think it would help if she could have longer A time in the morning, to separate night from day more and to shift that second nap later, thus eliminating that pesky 20min CN.

Something like this:
7:30 - WU, BF
9:30 - snack
10/10:30 - nap (I'd maybe try 10 for a few days then shift later in 15min increments)
12 - lunch
2:30/3 - nap
4/4:30 - snack
6 - BF
7:30 - asleep in bed following normal routine but shifting song to between BF and sleep to separate a bit
 
I think for the first night, see how she goes - how long she stays in her bed. I'd probably try to feed somewhere neutral like a chair and then put her back into her crib rather than into your bed, just to keep it different for her so its clear things are changing.

[michaeljacknnugg]

Hi!

We moved away from co sleeping really really gradually. I started out by letting him play in the cot, and then later on by putting him down in there once a night (after a night feed, when he was really sleepy). I didn't try to fight it if he wanted to come back in with me, just tried again at the next opportunity. Persistence is key.

It took a month or so to make the change.

[mtemte]

Thank you ladies,

She doesn't self settle for naps at home simply because I wont leave her to cry. Perhaps if I left her a few minutes, she may but I don't. So all naps are either instigated at the breast or in the car / buggy when shes not at the childminders. Naps at home however rarely last more than 20-40 minutes. At the childminders, she sleeps approx. 45 minutes for her first nap and then generally 2-2.5 hours in the afternoon. The CM generally wakes her as that is the time that I come to collect her. We could try a later nap but it would mean me leaving her later at the CM....

[becj86]

Ok, here's some information to help you work out what cries might mean - Recognising a Baby's Cries

Any chance you could pick her up a smidgeon earlier, say at 3 and let her nap on the way home and then if you wish, transfer her to crib for the rest of the nap?

[michaeljacknnugg]

I have needed to take a step back and really really listen to his cries. It's hard, hearing them cry at all, I know. But it's their only means of communication, and I am trying to respond appropriately instead of trying to shut him up so I can feel better.

Invariably he will cry when I put him down, but often quiets down within 30 seconds. I sit in the room next door and listen for a real 'I need you!' cry before I go back in.

I've been doing this a month or so. Before that I was lying next to him and either patting or picking him up, depending on what he seemed to need.

Naps have made a big difference to our nights; I would encourage you to try and work on self settling for at least one nap a day if you can.