Author Topic: When to come in and settle?  (Read 558 times)

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Offline Bella89

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When to come in and settle?
« on: August 20, 2016, 21:36:16 pm »
Hi there,
DS is 19mo and past 18moSR. He is now going back to his old skills sof self settling.
I noticed he needs me less and less to fall asleep, but...
He likes when I sit by his crib until he falls asleep. I am trying to engage less and less, but he would poke me and talk to me, but it can take up to an hour and I dont know what to do about it.
So I started to leave the room, and he fell asleep by himself wonderfully past 2days.
The thing is, I am confused when I need to come in and when is the time to wait. I don't want to come in whenever.
1. Cry- I come in obviously, we never CIO
2. Talks "mama, mama", but I feel like it is his mantra and he is really talking to himself among other words, so I ignore it
3. Yelling - here I don't know, I sometimes come in and leave if he didnt need me, but is frustrated. He then self settles after a minute or two. Like when he is OT he rolls over and slaps my hand if i want to touch him
4. Calls "mama" but softly, like if he was checking if I will come in-Do I ignore it?
5. Calls "mama" loudly, I know he needs me so I come in.

I am really confused, I have to tell you.
I want him to know I will CI when he needs me, but I want to be able to leave as well.
Wdyt?

Offline Scottishmummy

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Re: When to come in and settle?
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2016, 12:39:42 pm »
For my DS, I go back in the room if he is crying, shouting or calling for me repeatedly.  I always wait a minute or so before going in to see if he will settle himself.

I would go in for the shouting or crying, if he calls softly and you don't go in and he really needs you, he'll start shouting louder.

I do walk in/walk out and it works well if your LO can self settle. Go in, Reassure, say good night and go out again.
"Touchy/Spirited" DS


"Textbook" DD



Offline creations

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Re: When to come in and settle?
« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2016, 21:48:48 pm »
I've always responded to a call of Mummy even if it is quiet -  although mine was definitely not calling Mummy at 19 months as the first time he said it he was almost 22 months old.  However...certainly I had calls which were debatable and I felt my presence in the room was going to extend the time he tossed and turned (or messed around) rather than go to sleep.  As a rough guide I would first respond by going in, seeing to him and leaving again, I might do this a couple of times, then if we were going through a tricky phase I'd sit outside the room with a book and just accept that I was going to be there a while.

2. Talks "mama, mama", but I feel like it is his mantra and he is really talking to himself among other words, so I ignore it
I'd either go in or verbally reassure from outside.

3. Yelling - here I don't know, I sometimes come in and leave if he didnt need me, but is frustrated. He then self settles after a minute or two. Like when he is OT he rolls over and slaps my hand if i want to touch him
I'd always go in at least once or a few times. Then leave. Then when mine was yelling and shouting for me (no crying) I'd use verbal from outside the room.  Sometimes my tone would be quite "teacher voice" if you know what I mean, more instructional rather than softly/soothingly as my DS didn't need soothing he needed to shut up and go to sleep!  anyway I'd just start with "Everything is ok, I'm here, go to sleep" then I'd switch to "it's night time, go to sleep" then "go to sleep" and repeat as needed.

4. Calls "mama" but softly, like if he was checking if I will come in-Do I ignore it?
I would not ignore it. If he is checking that you will come in then IMO he needs to know you will come in or that you hear and respond, so verbal reassurance would be enough, like "I'm here, go to sleep".
Bit different to pps response. For me it is about reducing any SA that may be there and to be extra reassuring close to sleep time.  I wouldn't want mine to start calling more loudly because that means he's more awake rather than more relaxed (and also I would be thinking he might be more frustrated and find it harder to then calm, and more anxious with the SA as he'd be thinking oh sometimes she doesn't come).  For me the only time my DS would need to repeat a call would be if I really did not hear it for some strange reason.


Offline Bella89

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Re: When to come in and settle?
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2016, 05:28:27 am »
Thank you ladies.
I am working on it. Although, yesterday he was up 0:30-5-30, wanted to play and no reassuring was helping. I wanted to kill him on sight ;)
I noticed when he is falling asleep he would raise his head and ask me if I still sit by the headboard of his crib. I did that before to teach him SS rather than rub his back etc. He got used to me being there, so now I need to teach him he doesn't need me, but I will always be there if I am.
Creations funny story, past 5 mo he was calling me pupa ( in my language means ass) or peppa (the pig) and finally 2 weeks ago he made it to mama. So after 5 mo of being humiliated daily I got my reward:p

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Re: When to come in and settle?
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2016, 07:22:41 am »
Creations funny story, past 5 mo he was calling me pupa ( in my language means ass) or peppa (the pig)
Haha!  Mine had no name for me at all, I think he had such assumption that I was a constant presence that he had no need to even consider a name for me!

Asking if you are sitting in a certain place might be that you lingered there a touch too long during training rather than always moving on a step, easily done, I mean my boy had a dash of SA and sleep difficulty around his birthday (5yo so he really does know how to SS and sleep independently) and I got a bit "stuck" with stroking his head until he gave me a thumbs up that it was okay to leave. In the thick of SA/developmental leap that's fine IMO but there comes a point when they think this is the new constant, even at 5yo! I had to remind mine that head stroking had never been part of our regular WD and that it was time to get back to normal.  It is so easy to get "stuck".

0.30 - 5.30 is super long!!!  Have you still a routine thread on the go?


Offline Bella89

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Re: When to come in and settle?
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2016, 13:19:28 pm »
No, I don't have a thread anymore. In fact this is the first time I feel like I don't need it:/ I think it was a one time thing, didn't happen past 3 nights. I have no idea why that happened though. This was the first time in his life to get so confused. He wanted to play, then when he figured out there is no point for asking to play he asked me for food (I have him something, but he just played with it). We had a fun night :) We have no NW and no EW past week other that that one night. We increased his activity, so maybe that's the clue here.

I will try to work on moving out of there. The thing is, my chair is by the door already, and I cannot really open them as there are other people in the house that are not quiet at all, and seem to not care. The only next step I see here is sitting there for a while and leaving the room. But I feel like I have to be prepared for 50+ WIWOs:/ Does this work like this at the beginning? And other question, do I leave if he stops me with crying (in other words if he starts to cry before I even leave)? Because I always say "goodnight, mommy is going to bed as well" or something like this, and he starts to cry that very second. So I can't really WO:/

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Re: When to come in and settle?
« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2016, 18:29:03 pm »
Something I did with DS a few times was to say "I'm just going to the toilet, I'm coming back"  I think he is old enough to understand that if you need the toilet you need to go so there is a slight chance he will not cry but will trust you to come back.  You DO come back.  Don't sneak off or he wont' trust you next time.  If he cries whilst you are out of the room you can call to him, "I hear you, I'm coming".
I know you cant' keep on going to the toilet repeatedly but he can start to get some confidence that you will return by doing this a little. Also during the day every time you leave the room tell him where you are going and that you are coming back "I'm just getting a cup from the kitchen, I'm coming back" then when you return make it clear "I'm back".  If you keep reinforcing these words he can learn you really do return.
Hide and seek and peek-a-boo can also help.