Hugs hun, I know this is hard
Really I would suggest taking a bit of a break for a day or two, it sounds you are getting quite frustrated with it which is meaning you are struggling to stay consistent, which is just counter-productive for both of you. Why not do a day or two of snuggly naps to catch up, and then start afresh? It's much easier to be consistent and not give up after 10 mins when you are a bit more rested, and consistency really is key. It's not unusual for the first nap to be skipped, the next to take the full 45 mins, but most people find they see huge progress very quickly after that. If you can resolve to see it through the first few times, hopefully you'll get the breakthrough you need
Remind us how old he is now, and what routine you are trying? I think about 5 months? It may be his sleep needs have moved on and as well as thinking about sleep training, the routine plan also needs to be tweaked a bit. There are often some big jumps in A time around now so do tell us what you've been aiming for
I'm wondering if you need to be more hands off, actually, and do more of a PUPD as it seems the patting is winding him up. Trying to pat him while he is just wiggling about isn't going to work yk? This is copied from the PUPD FAQs:
To sum it up the basic procedure when you child cries is;
• Place your hand on their back or chest and say your key phrase in a low tone, eg. ‘it’s only sleep’ or ‘it’s sleepy time’. You always try in the crib first as this is the ultimate goal.
• If this doesn’t work you pick them up, say the phrase and as soon as they calm you put them down. If they start to cry on the way down, you still put them down.
• If they are still crying you pick them up again.
• If the child is truly fighting you, arching etc you don’t hold at all, you put them right down after you say the phrase and then pick them up again.
• You do this over and over until you see signs your baby is settling. Typically their cries will become weaker; they may look for their hands etc. They may also begin to mantra cry, you do not pick up on a mantra cry as they are attempting to settle themselves.
• When you see this settling behaviour you don’t pick them up anymore. Leave them in the crib, place your hand on them and say your phrase. Now you let go, stand back and see what happens.
• If they start up again, you start the whole process over beginning with attempting to soothe in the crib.
4-6 MONTHS OLD - The process changes slightly when your baby is starting to get more mobile and has more strength. They will typically start to fight you when being held and they may throw their head back and/or arch their back, so the following adaptations are made;
• If the baby is burrowing their head into the mattress, turning their head side to side, getting up on their knees or flopping side to side you don’t pick them up right away or you will get kicked or your hair pulled. Instead you continue to talk and soothe in a low tone voice.
• When you do pick your baby up you only hold for a maximum of two or three minutes then put them all the way down even if still crying. You then pick up again and follow the same routine.
• At 4-6 months a baby tends to put up quite a physical struggle and the biggest mistake made is holding too long. Watch your baby’s cues, burrowing into your shoulder or arching their back is a sign they want to go back down EVEN if they are still crying. Holding them too long will reinforce “I cry I get picked up”. You can label what you are doing eg. “Let me pick you up”. “Let me put you down”.
So in essence you are hands off, 'letting' him go to sleep rather than 'putting' him to sleep. Does that make sense?
