Separation anxiety & accidental parenting

[N_Mom_S]

Hi everyone!

We have a 10 month old who's going through separation anxiety from me. We've always had problems with independent sleep and night wakings, and with the SA we're at a point when he doesn't calm down unless I pick him up at his NW (if DH picks him up he'll scream and scream). Last night we tried soothing him in the crib but nothing, and in the end we even tried to let him cry it out (with us in the room, we sleep in the same room which doesn't help, but we have no other option) unsuccesfully, and I had to feed him to sleep because he was mad after 1h40min of the whole thing

At the moment I put him down when he's drowsy after walking around in my arms and singing to him, for naps and bedtime. It also works with DH and his grandma.

Is it OK to AP during SA? How long is this going to last? Help! 

[Skadiver13]

Hi Hun sorry you are going through this. Like you said there is n't much you can do because you are all sharing a room and he knows you are there.

Is it OK to AP during SA? How long is this going to last? Help! 

If he has gone to sleep independently in the past then I would say yes it is ok to AP to get him through this.9-10mo is usually about the peak of SA, and it sounds like he's definitely got some of that going on.  The best thing to do in that situation is to do exactly as you are, staying with him and assuring him of your presence. It's your call really whether you want to nurse him or just try to comfort him, just be aware that you might have to break those habits again..

I hope that helps. Let me know what you think!

[N_Mom_S]

Thank you so much for your help!

His IS has been inconsistent but yes, sometimes (very few) he's gone to sleep independently.

I'll keep trying to calm him down as best as I can, although last night we had our first STTN ever!!! (and first night without any feeds too) And that leads me to and unrelated question but I don't want to open a post just for that: since I know good nights don't last with this child, if he wakes up tonight wanting to eat, should I try to avoid it at all costs, knowing he can go without it, or should I feed him? Thanks!!!

[Palmira78]

Congratulations for your STTN. It may be the beginning of a trend :-) Well done for you both. Please keep posting the next nights and let us know.
By the way, if one night he wakes up again and he is difficult to calm down, it works for me to take him to the kitchen or to a balcony, so he gets distracted from his madness... Suddenly once they change of scenery, they automatically relax and place the head on your shoulder willing to sleep. Sometimes if he gets in a crying circle it is difficult for him to get out of it unless you use distraction. If you ever need to use it, please let me know if it worked for you ;-)
 

[jessmum46]

At the moment I put him down when he's drowsy after walking around in my arms and singing to him, for naps and bedtime. It also works with DH and his grandma.

Is it OK to AP during SA?

If he's not an independent sleeper (my reading is that he isn't really?) then I don't think you have any choice but to AP at these times do you mean is it ok to do more than your usual amount of helping?  In which case I would say yes, but accept that you will need to put in work to change those habits.  The thing is even the most independent of sleepers will need help at times of illness, pain or change, but if they have the independent sleep skills they will usually go right back once the issue has passed.  If your LO is always put down drowsy after being held and sung to, he may go back to that, or he may latch on to whatever new habits you introduce during this episode.  We'll be here to help though if you want it!

Re the feeding at night question - if it were me I'd be tempted to avoid the feeding, most (but not all) 10 month olds can manage the night without and it's another prop/confounder to deal with.  But I wouldn't do it on a 'whim' if that makes sense - if you are not going to feed at night then I would make sure you are ready to continue not feeding at night as it's hard to see any sort of sleep training through if your mind is not fully made up x

[N_Mom_S]

Thank you both!!!

- jessmum46, I only hold him and walk around the room at his NWs, the same thing I do to put him down. Before the SA, if he wasn't hungry, sometimes I could put him back to sleep just by placing my hand on his back. I know I'll have to work to eliminate the singing and holding and walking around...

- nluno, thanks for the tip, it makes sense and I think it could work with my son! I'll let you know if I use it