Author Topic: How to find out what is bothering dd?  (Read 1104 times)

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Offline dache

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How to find out what is bothering dd?
« on: October 29, 2016, 11:18:51 am »
Something is up with dd and I dont know what.
She is acting very baby like, wanting to be fed, dressed and carried. She is very clingy. But nire than that, every morning on the way to preschool and back she is very sad, often on the verge of tears,lips quivering, wanting to hold my hand, yesusterday she even cried. She also cries at drop off.
I talked to the teachers, in fact, just as I was about to ask for a meeting one teacher aproached and asked if anything is happening at home because they've noticed she is a bit odd. There is nothing happening at home. Things are prity much the same. She told them that daddy slap her arm, but she also told me that about one of the teacher. As I was talking I illustrated how she said the teacher hit her and one of the teacher said that that's exactly how she said her daddy slaped her. We do not hit!

Changes have happened at the preschool. Some of her friends have been moved to the bigger group and one teacher from her group switched with a teacher from the bigger group. I know she needs time to addapt but usually things would have been sorted out by now. It's been close to two months.

Every time I ask her how was preschool, did you had a nice day, did you enjoyed your day at preschool, did you play with your friends she says no.

Something is up. I feel it in my heart and in my gut. She talks a lot, but I cant get anything about her day from her. Please help me find out. I'm thinking avout role play, but not sure hot to approch it, what to say ect.



Offline becj86

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2016, 20:08:33 pm »
With things like this I say that I know something is upsetting him and I'm happy to hear about it when he's ready. When he was still learning to work out the source of his distress, I would ask about a few specific things, in this case I would slip in the option of having her friends moved. Often he will talk about things at bedtime while we are snugglig and reading so sometimes it comes down to something in the book tto which he can relate.

Offline dache

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2016, 17:39:26 pm »
I have been waiting for a month now. She talks A LOT, but in general she is not talking about preschool.
I ask her if she feels scared to go there, she says yes,  I ask who are you scared from, she says the teacher. But she goes to her with no fuss, hugs her, and the teacher invited us to her dd's birthday because she and dd are good friends. At the party was another girl from preschool that she talks about, but all the time she was stuck to me. Even for the candles and song part which she loves.
I stypidly googled child abuse yesterday. :-X Im sure its nothing like that but it upset me so much I was up all night.
Any other ideas? Maybe books or blogs recommendation?



Offline becj86

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2016, 19:49:35 pm »
Have you asked why she is scared of the teacher? L has trouble with his teacher at the moment - she seems competent but isn't overly affectionate (which I have had explained as a good thing to prevent child abuse) but she doesn't say please or thankyou, she has her "teacher voice" on a lot which he finds harsh and she does a fake happy voice to jolly the kids along in circumstances in which L is used to the adults in his life sitting down and calmly explaining that he needs to finish or helping him. She's trying to engender independence by ignoring their needs but L will still go to her and hug her of his own accord, so he likes her but just not some of the things she does.

When L was a bit younger than your DD is now, his daycare teachers didn't believe he talked, so all his wishes that he tried to express were ignored because they just assumed he was babbling and not making any sense so paid no attention to him when he was talking. It could be something simple like the teacher has done one thing that scared DD in the moment and she's worried it will happen again. L was worried at kindy because he felt his teachers weren't helping him but they were really happy to help him and we discovered he had thought they would just see he needed help and offer it where I had to explain they are looking after lots of children and need you to ask them for help.

Could you maybe role-play and be her teacher and tell her you're worried she's not enjoying daycare any more and if there's anything that might make it better or anything that happened that upset her?

Offline Martini~

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2016, 20:02:35 pm »
Have no idea but DS 2y8mo is going through massive separation anxiety phase. I firstly thought it's a bump after holidays, than new preschool, than too much activity in prechool, that anxiety with baby arriving soon, but in the end I think it's a massive separation anxiety. Something I have never experienced before in such a way that he wasn't vocal. Now I hear his voice trembling when he asks when settling "mummy, but you are there behind the doors?".

What works here instead of "training", discipline and consequence which I thought about firstly is just a lot of reassurance. Verbal especially. Things which I never though I have to tell as they are obvious but I say them and I see him relaxing. I can see some of his fears only when I reassure about everything. Like I am saying "mummy and daddy are always here, will never leave you, will be there always". And he suddenly says "and where is daddy" and I say daddy is always here and he repeats "where is daddy" so I ask "where is daddy honey", and he answers "daddy is in Cracow". Goshhh DH was there last week and got back for bath and BT but the idea that daddy is away just clinged in his head somehow and he seems to be scared about it.
~Marta

Offline deb

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2016, 20:54:56 pm »
Does she play with dolls? Mine used to process things she saw at play groups and eventually preschool with her dolls & stuffed toys. Might give you some insight.

Offline dache

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2016, 20:52:49 pm »
She doesnt play with dolls. She has a baby that she sometimes play, I used that. I played with it a bit than told it its time for preschool. I asked her who is the baby going to play there and she named the kids in her group, even the new ones, that's the first time. I asked her why will the baby cry when I take him to preschool and she said for mommy.
We talked about her crying when I drop her off. How she knows whats going to happen, about our routine, I repeated that to her, reasurring her mommy has to take her to preschool because she has to go to work but she will always going to come and pick her up.
Maybe that's it. Maybe its SA, but I cant be sure.  Will see how it goes. Ill keep asking. We had a lovely day together today, lots of one on one time, and with the time change she was asleep just before 9 and bt went easy.



Offline ginger428

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Re: How to find out what is bothering dd?
« Reply #7 on: November 09, 2016, 20:18:26 pm »
I don't have much experience as M hasn't gone to daycare, but we do a 2 hr class every other week or so, and class at church every Sunday.  Just a few days ago, he started to say things like "Momma will be right back." "I will cry but momma will come back and get you [me]." He's 2y7m and perhaps starting a new stage of SA and processing it?

Hugs to you and so glad to hear you had a lovely day filled with quality time. How has it been this past week?