Can't seem to stop EW for 24-month-old

[Fishsupreme]

Our toddler (23.5 months old now) has been waking up between 4:15 and 5:30 every day for 3 months.  (Occasionally he'll wake even earlier -- 1:00-3:30 -- but we can usually get him back to sleep then.  If it's after 4:30 he never goes back to sleep.)

When he wakes, he gets out of bed and starts crying immediately.  But if we go to him, if it's after 5:00, he's usually pretty happy and ready to play, though earlier than that and he'll sometimes be very cranky and fussy.

Before this started, he slept pretty reliably from 7 pm to 6-7 am for about 6 months, which was great.  He has been nicknamed "baby no-naps" since birth, though -- he is very difficult to get down for a nap, and will never nap for more than an hour without waking (though if his mom nurses him when he wakes he'll fall back asleep for up to another hour.)  Never in his life has he gone down for a nap on his own, it's always been holding him or nursing him or in a car.  We've tried sleep training for naps but he just cries the entire nap time and ends up missing then nap altogether.  He's got a big bed now because at around 22 months he became capable of climbing out of his crib even at the lowest level, so he can't be contained.

Bed time, though, is great!  We read him a few books, turn off the lights, put him down in bed and say good night, and he goes right out without complaint.  Unfortunately, he then sleeps only about 9-10 hours.

In general, he always seems to be trying to shift his schedule even earlier.  He'd like to take his nap by 10am, though on day care days he has to stay up until 12:30 (at which point he instantly falls asleep in the car.)  On days when he wakes up fussy he's been known to nap as early as 7am (which results in a 2-nap day with a second nap around 3pm.)  Normally we let him go down for a nap sometime between 11am-12:30, at which point he'll nap either 1 or 2 hours.  It's then a struggle to keep him up until 7pm for bedtime -- he starts getting tired around 4:00 and would probably go to bed by 5:30-6:00 if allowed (but if we do allow it he's up by 3-4 am and ready to go.)

If we put him to bed later, he still wakes up 4:15-5:30.  When we travel to visit relatives (3 time zones east), he'll happily go to bed at 10pm local time (so 3 hours later, really the same time as at home), but wakes up around 6:15-7:30 (so only 2 hours later.)  He'll shift that wakeup time about an hour a day, so by 3 days of visiting family he's on the same 7pm-5am schedule as at home.

It's been 3 months now.  We've tried longer naps (2 hours/day), shorter naps (single 1 hour nap a day), one of those clocks that lights up when it's time to get up (doesn't do much good because he's never slept long enough to see it), just putting him back to bed & leaving the room in 15-minute increments (he just cries continuously standing at the door until we decide it's time to get him up), staying with him or nursing (he's happy but not the least bit interested in going back to sleep, he's never once closed his eyes again after one of these wakings), later bedtimes (he still wakes at the same time), even cosleeping (he wakes happy, but still at the same time ready to go.)

I'm not sure what else to try; he seems to just want the day to be shorter, with an earlier bedtime, earlier naps, and earlier wakeup every day.  I worry it might just be genetics -- my wife is a morning person who only sleeps 6-7 hours a night, and I'm a terrible sleeper (I had insomnia and night wakings until 9 years old, and am frankly not a great sleeper even today.)

[jessmum46]

Hi and ((hugs)), it does sound rather exhausting for you all  

To me it sounds like your LO is chronically very overtired, and lacking in the independent sleep skills which would probably help to make things easier in the long run.  It sounds like he could really benefit from some consistency in nap times too - 7am is WAY too early for a nap!  That's probably an extension of his (short) night sleep, with his 'real' nap being the later one in the day when that happens.  Which in itself probably causes more issues as he then won't be tired enough to sleep properly in the night. 

I would suggest a few things - first, tough as it is, I would tackle independent sleep.  It makes it very hard to truly know what a LOs sleep needs are if they are reliant on someone/something else to be able to settle.  The problem with wakings after around 10h of night sleep is that although LO may still be tired, they will wake fully if not an independent sleeper and then the drive to go back to sleep is not strong as they are fairly well-rested from the night.  We don't support sleep training methods that allow a LO of any age to cry alone, but could happily help you with a gentle removal plan if you are ready to commit?

Second, I would ensure that he only ever has one nap, and that it doesn't happen prior to 12pm.  It may even need to go later but 12pm is a reasonable place to begin.  If you give an early nap, it reinforces the early start and his body needs to 'learn' that he can't catch up on night sleep so quickly.  I would be tempted to make it 12.30pm actually if that's when he goes down on daycare days so that he can get some sense of consistency, but 12-12.30pm is ok. 

Third, I would bring back the light-up clock - they honestly are brilliant if you are consistent with them   The absolute key is starting realistically - if he's a 5am waker setting it for 7am is just pointless yk?  So what I would do is set him up for it in the day by playing 'going to bed' - set the clock for literally 2 mins later, put lights off and both of you lie down and pretend to sleep.  Keep encouraging him to look for the clock, and as soon as it lights up jump up, shout hooray, lights on, have a party!!  Repeat repeat.  Then when it actually is night time, set the clock for a realistic time, I would go 5am to begin with.  If he manages to stay in bed until it lights up, amazing!  Be prepared to go in and throw that massive party the second he calls for you.  If he wakes before, remind him to wait for the light, stay with him if needs be, and then again throw that party as soon as lights are on.  You can use rewards if he responds to them/you are ok with them - stickers, mini treats or whatever.  Once he starts to 'get it', move the clock later just a few mins each day until you are where you want to be. 

The bottom line is consistency is key, but this can get better   If you can get him settling happily alone, with a consistent nap and bedtime, it makes is so much easier to tell whether he needs more or less nap, and an earlier or later bedtime.

What do you think?

[Fishsupreme]

Well, we've made some progress on this.  He's slept until 5:45-6:00 for the last five days, which while still pretty early, is an enormous improvement over 4:30.

He has certainly figured out the light-up clock; when we come in in the morning when it comes on he points at it and says "Green!  Green light!" and we happily get him up, get him dressed, have breakfast, etc.  And 6:00 seems to be late enough that he wakes up cheerful and not fussy, which is also really nice.

We've also been getting him to take a single nap every day starting between 12:00-12:30.  However, they all follow the usual pattern -- he falls asleep either in the car or being held by one of us, we put him down in bed and he sleeps for an hour, then he wakes up and absolutely nothing but nursing from his mom will get him back to sleep.  If she's available and can do that, he immediately falls asleep for another hour.  If she's not, he's up after an hour (and ends up getting very fussy in the late afternoon.)

I know he's capable of going to sleep independently, since he does it every night -- I turn off the light, tuck him into bed, say goodnight, and he goes to sleep on his own.  Likewise, if he wakes up in the middle of the night (i.e. before 4am) he generally just goes right back to sleep.  However, I'm not sure what to do to get him to be willing/able to do that when he wakes up early in the morning or wakes up halfway through a nap.

[jessmum46]

That's great you made progress

I guess for the naps the options are sleep training (likely to require a firm commitment for a couple of weeks and some skipped naps) or just do as you are, pulling bedtime a bit earlier on days where he has a shorter nap?