Hi Eleanor! Welcome to BW! Sorry there hasn't been a response til now.
It seems like the half-birthday development/craziness, exacerbated by the illness, and probably some habits now. My son just turned 3 and he is exerting so much independence and resistant behavior. From what I've read and the experiences of others, it's a critical phase to maintain consistency as best as possible. I imagine with the awful illnesses and the need for comfort, she is used to needing you and having you comfort her... which is totally understandable!
At baby whisperer forum, we do not condone any crying it out (CIO) and leaving babies and kids alone to cry (not mantra crying or slight whining, but distressed cries). I really know how exhausting this is and how you feel you're at your wits end. But unless it's a medical issue, with about 5-7 days of gentle re-training, she should be back to her old routine. A few questions for you...
What is her daily routine? Such as...
WU (wake up) 6:00
NAP 1:45
BT 7:30
And when she screams, like for the 4 hrs..., where were you and what were you doing? Did you give what she wanted? Could there be any medical issues? 4 hrs is such a long time.
With the week-long re-training, you will have to be absolutely consistent. Any intermittent reinforcement (where you give her what she wants, then the next day take it away, then she screams and you give in again), will set you back considerably and cause her more frustration than is necessary. I know it's hard, but try to have the mind-set that this is for her health and well-being (sleeping well)... same as how you would teach her not to touch a hot stove or cross a street onto oncoming traffic no matter how much they cry and want to. You'd be firm and adamant that keep reiterating that this is just how it is and as the parent, you can and will set the boundaries. She will resist but usually with these gentle withdrawal methods, you should see some improvement if there are no other issues.
As for the training, you can start by starting the conversation when she is happiest... and in the same positive mentality, talk about how sleep is so nice and makes us happy to learn and play well. Start talking SPECIFICALLY about how well she is able to do certain things..., use the potty, eat her meals, ride a tricycle, and in the same vein bring up how she can also sleep well. Depending on what kind of child she is... think about what she would respond well to.. stickers, extra book for BT, extra cuddle time in the morning, a new figurine, etc.. and ask her if she'd like that after a good night of sleep. This can help redirect her thoughts at BT.
Then, pick a date to start... and be ready yourself for a week of tough love and broken sleep. Extra naps and rest time for the primary caregiver if possible... if that's you, I definitely would work something out (a babysitter, time off work, etc... so you can rest). I know this sounds like such an ordeal, but sometimes that's what it takes. She may surprise you and be good to go in 3 days.
So something like this:
Bath/wash up
Pjs
Story (At this time, say NOT ask, you are going to sleep so well tonight! and mommy will stay a minute (10 pats) then leave, and you are going to be so happy! In the morning, you will get a... because you rested. Then cover her in kisses and hugs.)
Bed (say "look at you, you're going to bed all by yourself! And now you will go to sleep all by yourself and be so well rested in the morning. I'm so proud of you."
Lights out routine (Give kisses and say whatever your phrase will be that you will repeat at EVERY wake up...)
Morning (Make a big deal of how well she slept by herself EVEN if she had a rough night)
For us it was something like this:
"It's sleep time. I love you. Mommy will come back if you need me, but right now it's time to close your eyes and go to sleep. I love you so much." And then I kiss him and leave as if it's no big deal... NO LINGERING. If they sense you might stay or are nervous, they'll know and make you stay! If he starts to cry, I stop and listen. If he's crying hard, I go back in immediately and rub his back for a second then LIFT and say "I'm here. I love you. It'll be okay. Have a good night sleep and I'll be back if you need me. I love you. " Kiss him and leave. Yes, sometimes the back rub is longer... and sometimes if he fights me, I stay and rub. But I always tell him that I am ONLY staying for one minute and then say, ok, have a great sleep, and kiss and leave.
So when she wakes, is distressed crying/screaming, and says she wants something, say the phrase you come up with... don't even address the item she mentions. "It's night time. I love you and I'm right here. I will stay for 1 minute, then you can close your eyes and sleep well. I love you." My son was used to the timer and had a general sense of a minute (short), but if your daughter isn't, use 10 pats or something definitive so she knows it's the end.
For your daughter, I think you have to leave before she falls asleep because when she wakes in the middle of the night, she searches for you. If you're gone as she goes to bed, she'll likely go back to sleep in the motn. There's another approach where you move toward the door gradually, but I think it won't help her detach as well. It's up to you though... with that every 2 days or so, you sit farther from her, closer to the door and say the same things but no patting/touching. You put her back into bed if she gets up, again and again. (You also do that if she gets up if you are leaving the room).
I'm sure you know, but the main thing is to prepare yourself to be calm yet firm, no matter how worked up she is. THIS WAS THE HARDEST THING FOR ME. But you can do it if it means restful nights, right?
This is all a general idea of what you could do. You know your child best and what would work for her, but the non-negotiables are that you do what you say you're going to do, not give in to what she wants, and not let her cry/scream alone. '
Let me know what you think. XO
