Hopeless to achieve any improvements and ready to sleeptrain my 13 wo - help!

[Newmom2017]

Hi everyone,

Apologies in advance as this is my first time posting on any forums but I am so desperate for help so that decided to give it a try. 
My 13 wo son was never a good sleeper, sometimes I link it to the fact that I had a difficult birth but who knows! I am so keen to follow EASY but it is almost impossible due to the nap issues we are having:

I try to put him down for his first nap 1.5-2h after the wake up time depending on hissleeping cues (ie rubbing eyes, yawning, etc). I sit him on my laps in the dark nursery and  read a story for max 5 mins, put white noise,  swaddle  (although he hates it and recently mastered getting out of the swaddle very quickly at both day and night times), put a pacifier, hold in my arms, sing a lullaby and he falls asleep quite quickly. However, he then sleeps for 30 mins only and wakes up all smiley and happy. I am absolutely confident that 30 mins are not enough for him and try to resettle him back to sleep with no success. After that he stays awake for 30-45 mins max and gets too tired to be able to fall asleep again  at all which results in a fussy baby all day along. Given the naps duration, it is very difficult to have EASY periods of roughly 4 hours each as he is bottle fed.

The night sleep problem is slightly different - we have had a sort of bedtime routine from 6 wo - bath, putting pyjamas, feeding, burping and then rocking until he falls asleep (usually he falls asleep quickly due to being overtired during the day). He then does the longest sleep of 4-5 hours from 8pm to midnight or 1am when I give a first feed. He falls asleep while being rocked  but wakes up initially in 2 hours and then 1 hour since the first feed  until 5-6 am (the second feed is at 4am roughly). I typically give up and let him sleep on me (as this is the only way he will fall asleep again) from 5am until 7am when he seems to be happy to wake up.

I recognise that I use a lot of sleep props and yherefore he is not able to self sooth himself either during the day or at night. But i do want to get rid of them all and have no idea where to start from!  I was reading about pupd approach but would like to know whether to start from naps or nights and whether to stop all sleeping props in one go (holding/rocking, pacifier, nursing, swaddling)?!
I also want to transition him from sleeping in the sleepyhead to directly in the cot and in the sleeping bag...

I know there are a lot of things to be fixed but as the newmom I created all these props inadvertently and am now struggling so much! When DS takes his naps in the pram, he is such a content baby afterthat. I feel bad for not teaching him good sleeping habits!

P.s. I am not trying to wean him off from two night feeds and happy to keep them. I just want to have a decent nightsleep from his first night feed until wake up. 

Don't know if I layed out all information needed but would be extremely grateful for anyone's advice!!   

[jessmum46]

Hi there and welcome to the forum I hope that you will find lots of help and support here. Congratulations on your baby!

I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult time with his birth and hope you are recovered ok now?  Have you got help and support around you if needed and someone who can give you a break once in a while?

Firstly let me say that 13 weeks is a great age to start teaching some independent health sleep habits.  Nothing you have done so far will have ruined his ability to sleep!  We all do what we need to get through those early days and weeks so please don't feel guilty about that.  And habits are far easier dealt with in babies this age than older babies or toddlers  

I'll try not to overwhelm you with information but just a few tips which might help you get on track.  I notice that you said you put him down for his first nap after about 1.5-2h.  That might actually be a bit long and I wonder if that is setting your day up wrong from the start?  If you take a peek here - https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=84884.0 - you'll see that average A time (that is everything from eyes open to eyes closed) at 3 months is 1h20-30.  I suspect if you are not starting a winddown until 1h30 or more and only when you see very obvious tired signs, he may already be overtired.  30 minute naps are a 'classic' OT length.  In addition, the first A time of the day is often the shortest one for many babies.

What might help is just to keep a diary for a couple of days (this is something that Tracy recommended in the BW books).  Note when he wakes, shows hunger cues, eats, yawns, rubs eyes etc including looking for more subtle tiredness cues - staring, 'jerky' movements of limbs or seeming very happy and excitable.  And then note how easily he settles and how long he sleeps for.  You can post here when you've done it if you like and we can have a look what's happening. 

At his age most babies would probably still be on a 3h EASY so I wouldn't push hugely for 4h cycles unless he is already on bottle feeds approximately every 4 hours.  If that's the case, he probably won't yet be able to do a 'true' 4h EASY as he would need to be able to handle 2h awake time.  It may be for a time you end up with AEAS or EASAEA and that's ok.  Work out what awake times he can handle, hopefully those will help the naps, and then rest will eventually fall into place as he gets bigger and able to stay awake for longer periods.

At his age I would start with shh pat rather than PUPD - it's more gentle really and PUPD was only meant to be a last resort, ideally for babies from 4 months onwards (though Tracy did say it could be used occasionally at 3 months).  Shh pat is easier to work on transitioning from arms to crib as you can introduce it to settle him in your arms instead of rocking, then work on putting him down and continue to shh pat to sleep.  This might help - https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=26672.0  You can keep the pacifier too with shh pat (but not with PUPD) and this might make your transition a bit easier.

Just one thought - does he ever show signs of discomfort?  Gas/reflux etc?  Or allergies?  Sometimes (but not always) unsettled night sleep can be due to pain disturbing them as they come into lighter parts of the sleep cycle so it's worth a thought - but over tiredness can also give a similar picture. 

I hope that helps to begin with - let us know if we can help further

[Newmom2017]

Hello, apologies that it took me few days to reply but I read your response straight away. Thanks so much for such a detailed advice! It means a lot to me to know that there is someone on the other side who I can ask these questions and get a valuable advice.

You are right about the awake time that it was probably too long as I would typically wait for 2nd yawn before taking him to his room to wind down. Yesterday, I tried to do it 1h20 after he woke up in the morning and it took me not a long time to put him to sleep (although I did it still holding him and with the pacifier but no rocking). He slept 30 mins and I managed to resettle him back to sleep for another 45 mins which was a massive progress and more of an exception rather than the rule. Unfortunately, two other big naps of the day I managed to achieve in the pram only.

It is true to that because of these short naps and the fact that he formula-feeds every 4 hours (it is something we have been doing for 4 weeks now and I would like to keep the frequency), it is not straight forward to achieve EASY. Sometimes it is EASAS or even EASAES.. I have started keeping a diary in order to share with you and get your thoughts, if at all possible:

7:20pm bath+pyjama
7:45pm E
8:00pm S
23:55pm E (first night feed)
00:10am S
2:30am and 3:30am awake and need a help to fall back asleep (rocking, pacifier)
4:40am E (second night feed)
6:00am awake and need a help to fall back asleep (holding, rocking and pacifier) - will sleep on hands only
6:30am wake up time and A
7:45am wind down and 7:55am S (pacifier, holding and no rocking)
8:30am E
8:45am A
9:20am wind down after seeing some sleeping cues, 9:35am S after holding, shushing, patting, swaddling, picking up and down few times
10:55am A
11:45am S on the go
12:10pm A
12:40pm E
12:55pm A
13:45pm S on the go
15:15pm A
16:30pm E
17:00pm S (mostly holding in my arms)
18:00pm A
19:15pm bath, etc...
 
Many thanks for both links below, it is very useful information! I can see that it is better to start with shush-pat method as I tried PUPD method a couple of times and it was overstimulating my son rather than helped. I wonder how I could pat him in his crib if he sleeps on his back and does not like staying on the sides or belly, particularly when he is upset.... Do I start with the bedtime and/or continue through the night when he does not require feeding and/or do the same for nap times the next day?

Regarding your question about his health, I went to see a paediatrician a couple of times to check whether there are any medical reasons he wakes ups so often at night, etc but they confirmed that he is a healthy baby that seems requiring a lot of comforting to be able to sleep and it is all age related and will pass.. I appreciate his response but truly believe I can help my little one to sleep better independently as there were 2 times in his life when he slept 7-8 hours in a row!! I tried to analyse the days before that two fabulous nights but could not find anything in particular different to what I do every day

Just wanted to say big thanks again. Your knowledge and experience is invaluable to all new and not so new mums here!