2Y old sleep chaos on all fronts - HELP!

[katerinask]

Hi everyone,

I thought I wouldn't need the SLEEP board again to be honest, but I'm just discovering the joys of the 2 year regression, which I didn't know existed until recently! DD1 will be two in November and has hit every other milestone and regressions a little earlier, so I'm guessing we are now in the midst of this. We are also going through major drama and meltdowns, partly triggered I suppose by the arrival of 4 month old DD2... I've been discussing those issues over here > https://babywhispererforums.com/index.php?topic=287424.0

I'd love your advice... We are seeing the following issues (in order of severity), that cropped up around 10 days ago:

1) Nap resistance, to the point of a total meltdown... It began with her not wanting to go down with her caregiver, because she wanted me. Then when I go in, she wants to cuddle and doesn't want to go into her crib. She finds all sorts of things to ask for, but nothing is really what she wants. She cries inconsolably, hysterically and really loud and she is clearly super tired and sleepy by the end of it. She wants to be stroked, then to be held... Today she fell asleep in my arms crying for the first time in over a year.

2) Night wakings, between 3 and 6am, usually 2 or 3 times. Sometimes she is easy to comfort, others I need to stay with her to go to sleep. She always wakes up hysterical, crying for mummy.

3) Resistance to sleep sack, which we used for the previous winter with no problem. She kicks off anything we cover her with, plus she doesn't let us cover her unless she's sound asleep. So I'm sure she must be cold and we can't go through winter like this. Any suggestions here? Perhaps those extra padded PJs?

4) Early waking, between 6am and 7am, when she used to sleep happily until 9am since being very small.

5) Grumpy, whiny wakings... She cries and whines and doesn't know what she wants. Usually some food will fix her mood, but she doesn't even accept that if it's not a specific thing she may or may not have in mind... This has been with us for a bit longer, a few months I'd say. It's specially intense after naps.

6) Delaying bedtime and increasing difficulty putting her down, although not as bad as naps.

Her routine until a few weeks ago used to be:

WU: 9am
Nap: 3pm (2 hours)
BT: 9-9:30pm

During holidays, bedtime became gradually later and when we returned we never managed to get back on track properly. Some nights she ends up falling asleep at 10pm. Then came the early wakings, then the nap resistance etc etc. We are working on bringing BT earlier again, closer to 9pm.

Also, just  a note to say, she has been on a great EASY routine all her life. Slept through the night at 3 months, sleeps independently since 12 months and never really had any issues since, apart from the occasional bumps during past sleep regressions.

I'm finding this MUCH MUCH harder than the previous ones, since I'm also trying to keep 4-month old DD2 on her own EASY which isn't always possible with all the crying and hysterics. I am psychologically and emotionally worn out, and really don't know how to handle this phase. Do I just wait it out? Do I fight her for nap times so she sleeps alone or do I give in a few times until it passes? Is this typical behaviour of the 2 year SR or is it something more (i.e. the issues we've been discussing on the other thread re jealousy, trust, anxiety etc)? If it is the SR, how long does it last?

Looking forward to your always helpful thoughts and advice!

A desperate, really tired mum xx

[katerinask]

OK, scrap what I said in #6. As of tonight bedtime is just as bad as naps. We started ritual (after bath) at 8:30 and now at 10pm she is still in there screaming and crying. She only wants to be held and refuses to go into crib and lie down.

I don't think I can take more than 2 of these a day...

What should we do? If I hold her she will sleep I'm sure, but won't that be creating a bad habit??? What do you think? I can't leave her screaming in her crib

UPDATE: She finally fell asleep at 10:30 after all that time of screaming and crying in panic. During that time, either me or DH would be in the room with her. We would cuddle her and put her in her crib for her to sleep. When the crying began again we explained that when she was ready to sleep mummy would be there to sit with her. She only wanted to be held in my arms in order to sleep there, but that is where we drew the line. During the last half hour DH was with her, held her (and then put her down), sat next to to her, cuddled her from within the crib etc. He kept saying that mummy will come as soon as you are ready to lie down and sleep. She began screaming so bad I just couldn't take it and went in. As soon as she saw me (rather than asking to be picked up again) she lay down immediately, shivering and whimpering. I said "would you like mummy to stay with you until you fall asleep?" and she said yes. She was calm and I stroked her back. We made a little joke about the cat coming in and then a few minutes later she was asleep.

I don't know if that was the right way to handle it... There was so much crying and I knew I could end it all by letting her sleep on me, but that would be the second time in a row and I don't want to make that our new way of sleeping. Do you think a more structured PU/PD would work or is that just for younger babies? I feel so terrible for making her go through that, I could cry

[Katet]

Flip things around here and look at what you do to help her sister with sleep, look at all the ways you deal with the baby and the baby's crying, that will probably give some insight into why your 2yo has changed. Your 2yo wants to be babied some more, quite simply because she is still a baby.

I will come back with more but need to go out

[becj86]

It sounds like she's really feeling your 'absence'. You're physically there (I think more than you had been) but not necessarily 'with her' She's looking for reassurance that you're still there for her and I think this will pass much more quickly if you work on giving her hugs during the day, spending some time doing what SHE wants to do during her wake time - not something that you think she should want to do (eg. crafts because its quiet and sedate and kids apparently enjoy it) but what SHE wants to do. Maybe set aside 30min each day that is hers. Essentially some quality time.

I think also its reasonable to be with her at BT. If baby's BT is similar, maybe try swap with DH and do BT every other day and explain to DD how that will work. Otherwise, is baby upset by DH shush/patting her to sleep? Its ok to reassuring her with hugs/your presence at BT. I would just have a rule that she gets a hug at 8:50-9 while you sing to her or something then she must lie in bed and you'll stay with her til she's asleep.

She sounds like she is OT now from the shorter nights (those 6-7am wakings sound like OT) If that routine was working for her, you can probably just go to that and get her to sleep how you need to (sounds like you just being in the room is enough, so that's great) and she should recover from the OT in a week or less.

You can do PD rather than PUPD - at this age you just lie them back down and say your sleepy phrase. I wonder if that will become a physical battle with her though.

I think she's looking to have her emotional needs met and its reasonable to meet those. Nobody ever wishes they hugged their child less.

[katerinask]

Thank you ladies once again.

I feel like I have really been spending quality time with her, we have a lot of one to one time during the day, we do loads of games and have lots of silliness, we go to bed together every night almost, we read, we take showers together... I really don't know how we could incorporate more during our day. This has been my #1 anxiety with the new baby (i.e. how DD1 will take it) so I have been as mindful and careful as possible. I try not to make her "the big girl" all the time, make sure she still feels like my little girl/baby still etc.

But obviously this is isn't enough for her so I need to find something more to do to reassure her that I am there for her and that she is still my baby

Do you have any specific games or activities in mind that could work towards building her trust again? I found this article helpful: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/2-year-olds-sleep-anxiety-following-separation-from-mother

Also, re bedtime... You seem to be agreeing with me that I should be with her and provide all the cuddles and help she wants, just NOT allow her to sleep on me rather than in her crib. No matter how much distress this causes her. Am I understanding you correctly?

[becj86]

I would probably let her sleep on me if it were me in your shoes. There may be a habit to break later but she's able to sleep independently now and she will be able to again.

[Katet]

Does the baby sleep in your room and your DD1 in her own room? If thats the case Id say that could be part of the issue.
SA does increase from 18months to 3 years too.
Another thought is have there been times shes had a nap or gone to sleep and woken up with you not there and been upset? That can cause some long lasting SA issues, its often unavoidable, but it does have an impact on their ability to be away from you.