21mo...should i change anything?

[airam]

I hate the idea of sleep training and feel its so unnatural. I have depression and couldn't cosleep so I had to do something. but every developmental stage, every new tooth, everything disrupts it and we have to start over. its a lot for me to handle and I just cant take it.

my 21 mo is finally allowing me to put him on the boob and leave him after he sleeps (on the bed)...the nap isn't bad. bt is a bit harder but he'll either take anywhere from 15-30minutes to fall asleep...then I wait at least 20mins to be sure. usually I'm out in 30-45 minutes (I let him comfort nurse to sleep sitting on the chair, then transfer to his bed).

honestly, ive struggled a lot with this and it seems ok for me. something , if I try to put him in his bed before hes in deep sleep at bt, he takes like 2+ hors to sleep. that drives me crazy but its only about once 1.5 weeks.

anyway, baby number two is coming in less than 2 months and my husband just came to me saying he ARE doing CIO (extinction) tonight...don't know why hes in a hurry but he says he WILL do it. I dont want to, but I (after threatening divorce) told him to give me two days to try my methods.

but in all honesty, I really don't want a change and I don't think I can handle that with my depression. especially NWs and nap refusals.

what should I do.

[creations]

Hugs first of all - sounds like DH has reached his limit for some reason and it's having this negative impact on your relationship.  has he been asking for a long time for there to be sleep training or CIO?  Or is this a very recent out of the blue decision he has made which has come as a total surprise to you?
What reasons does he give for wanting to do CIO?
He says he WILL do it but surely he can't stop you being with your child or feeding you child to sleep if that's what you usually do? What is DH going to do to prevent you doing this??  I am a little confused.

I am not convinced you can have 100% success with sleep training within 2 days, that's a very short time scale for a LO who has spent 21 months being told that the way to sleep is to feed to sleep.  I do think that you could change things though if you felt you were ready to do so - and I don't mean CIO or CC at all, you know we don't agree with those methods on BW.  But the gentle removal plan could certainly help you take steps in stopping the F2S and getting your LO down to sleep without a huge crying session.
I'm not really sure of the need though, you say it is only 5 mins to get him to sleep when you F2S, is this a problem for DH when he is not the one doing it?  or is there something else that is bothering DH??

I hope we can support you and I hope your LO is not left to CIO either in 2 days or ever.  it has such devastating effects on a developing brain.
more hugs, this sounds like a hard time x

[becj86]

Hugs xx What an ultimatum!

Given there's a new baby coming into this mix in the next 2 months, its probably worth thinking about how what you're currently doing will work with a newborn around as well. Perhaps formulating a plan (maybe together with your DH, so he sees there's another way) to reduce LO's time to sleep for BT will help?

I agree with creations that CC / CIO is not the best way to achieve anything here and that there are more gentle methods however they will not take 2 days (neither, probably will CIO) when LO has been going to sleep one way for the last 21 months.

FWIW, my DH said that he was buying formula and we would bottle feed DS when I was really struggling with BF shortly after his birth. He was trying to help, yk, by taking the decision because I had been so sure I would BF and he wanted to fix something for me to help me feel better. I ended up BFing til DS was 2.5 years old. Is it possible he's trying to make things easier for you by saying he'll do it for you because he thinks its the necessary path to lighten your load? Maybe I'm being too optimistic here...

[airam]

I for got to add, I tried the PUPD method around 9/10 months I think and it worked but developmental changes, teething, sickness, etc...and I had to start over. its hard to deal with that when I'm depressed so I was very weak although I tried. the last time he was sleeping on his own was around 17 months. we were not home and I allowed him to sleep in the bed with me and that started things...so only about 6months. but his sleep is sooooooooo much more consistent and better. he actually doesn't cry now when he wakes up because hes finally getting enough on the days he takes 2hr naps and 12hr nights...hes soooo much more calm and happy.

anyway, yes, he only wants to make it easier for me for when the baby comes. I just hate to change something that finally feels ok and not too bad except for the days he takes 2hrs+ to sleep at night because I accidently put him down earlier or hes too hot/cold.

[creations]

It's not uncommon for Dads (or grandparents, family and friends) to suggest or try to impose a solution if they see us struggling.
I assume then that the 2hr BTs are more common than I originally thought, that you are really struggling with it and that this is the reason your DH has decided CIO is the way to solve the problem?
If it's getting you down, or if you are relating your difficulties to your DH then he is likely to want to "fix" it for you to reduce your load.

I think the only way forward in that case is as bec has already said - make a plan together and stick to it to get LO down more easily and consistently.
if it was only 5 mins and things were working well for you I wouldn't really see this as a problem with a NB in the house but if it is not reliable then really it isn't working.  A NB isn't going to wait 2hrs whilst you deal with a toddler so you'll end up with two crying.

[airam]

no, he knows ive been planning in doing something and is afraid if iu wait, itll all be on him. for example, if the nb comes, hell have to deal with everything.

anyway, I'm going to start tonight. I cant really do pupd but I know my lo will distress cry. would words and touching his head while he stands be enough even if he continues to cry really hard? ill keep telling him I'm there

[becj86]

So long as you are there with him, it will be ok.

[airam]

so just updating...day 1 was hard as expected. I stayed for the most part but he couldn't see me anyway.

intense crying and distress lasted the entire time.
I tried pupd maybe four times with my big bump.
kept saying 'its sleep time and I'm here with you'
things started looking more like CC, though. I just didn't know what more I can do. so id wait a little, then talk to him...
around the 45min mark of consistent distress crying I started seeing a change in the crying and let him cry. then it started and stopped until he finally slept.
its been a couple of days now that hes used to it and we are ok.

now I need to go back to the baby boards and find out to avoid this mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[becj86]

Well done sticking to your guns. You were there with him the whole time.

[creations]

Well done for supporting your LO through a tricky time.

[airam]

I think it helped that hes much older now, understands things and that he was sleep trained already.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement!