Having zero sleep success with my 3 month old

[Nat.lou.al]

Please help, my 3 month old is inconsolable particularly at bedtime and I'm not sure where I'm going wrong. He was a very gassy baby which meant there was a lot of holding and rocking in the beginning, his gas is much better and when relaxed he can pass it himself. He's been on an easy routine since 5 weeks. I have a high energy 2 yr old so unfortunately lo has been napping on go a lot but honestly sometimes it's the only way to save the day. He is EBF, I've always worried that he doesn't nurse long enough (about 20mins) but he's gaining well, 50th percentile with lots of wet diapers and a daily poop. We initially swaddled and used the shush pat method, this worked ok in the beginning, we'd put him down drowsy and shush pat for about 20-30 mins then he started waking straight after and started to get annoyed by us holding and patting, we tried laying him down on his back and just shushing which occasionally worked then he'd wake 45-1hr later. 2 weeks ago we unswaddled his arms and he seemed happier and started to suck on his hands, a few times he even self settled that way but not without being upset first. We've kept the same bedtime routine and he seems to know it because during his bath and quick massage hes happy but as soon as I walk into his room he starts crying. We swaddle his body, put noise machine on, close the black out blind then try to rock him/hum or pat till he's calm, if we succeed putting him down calm but awake he'll start crying. Other times we're frustrated and put him down and his cry diminishes but often continues, we place a hand on his stomach and shush him sometimes he finds his hands and this works other times just seems annoyed by us being there. A paci works well to calm him but as soon as it's removed or falls out he cries. Either way when he does get to sleep, he wakes every 2-3 hours.
We've tried to be as consistent as possible but I just really don't know what else to do, he's such a happy boy after a good sleep, I just hate to hear him cry so much
His typical EAS
E - 06.30 wakes, nurses
A - often in swing (not moving) while I get breakfast & toddler changed
S - 07.45 change diaper, swaddle body, noise machine, blind, attempt to rock till drowsy, place in bouncy chair coz he'll just scream in his crib, 20 mins gentle bounce and shushing, sleeps for 10-30 mins. Attempt to bounce back to sleep if there's time on my toddler quiet time clock, rarely successful.

E - 8.45
A - wash/dress
S - usually crying by 9.15, next sleep is in the car seat or carrier during toddler activity

E- 12.30 wakes happy,
A - one on one time singing, playing on mat while toddler naps
S - 2, again attempt crib or bouncy chair, 50% success, if not resort to carrier for nap after 20-30 mins.

E 4.30
A mat, swing, held during dinner
S 6 try for a cat nap in the carrier but never successful so go straight to bath and bedtime routine, he usually refuses to nurse at any point from here.
Bed at 6.30, sleep 7.30/8 on bad nights 9

I know his daytime is not ideal but it's really tricky to stay home with a 2 year old, he'll go stir crazy. But any pointers would be much appreciated. Thank you

[creations]

HI there
Sorry to see you didn't have a reply yet.

It's kind of tricky to see from your times exactly how long he is sleeping for.  Two things come to mind:
- perhaps he needs a longer A time to get properly tired in the day (A time is around 1hr 30 at 3 months) and is crying/screaming in crib to tell you he needs a bit more activity
- OT at BT if he isn't getting a proper nap at 2pm and refuses at 6pm and by the time you move to the BT routine he has been awake 4hrs or so.

Is there any reflux?

[Nat.lou.al]

Thanks for responding. Since my initial message we made some changes, out of desperation we gave him a pacifier which instantly helped calm him but I think it's become a prop because most of the time he doesn't spit it out however because he's calm and actually sleeping now he's not OT at bedtime so taking less time to settle. We've also stopped using his bouncy chair for naps. So he'll sleep in his crib for first nap 45mins-1hr. 2nd still on the go he usually has about 2-3hrs in car seat/carrier/both if transferred. 3rd nap we try for his crib where he'll usually sleep for 30-45mins unless my toddler is being particularly noisy/busy then we'll go outside and he'll nap in the carrier. One day the timings didn't work well for bedtime so he had a 20 min catnap but i had to rock him. We aim for 7pm bedtime, he's usually asleep by 7.30, wakes usually at 12, 2, 4, 5.30 then up at 6.30. So still not great but better and way less crying. However he's using the paci for most of this time, during the night I'll always try to settle without first which works 50% of the time. I'm worried that the paci use has just created a whole other problem but truly don't know what else to do

As for reflux, he rarely spits up. I always keep him upright for a bit after feeding to avoid gas, as gas has always been a battle with him. As a side note he's had some chiropractic treatments also which haven't really made a big difference

[creations]

wakes usually at 12, 2, 4, 5.30

Are you feeding at these times?  BF babies need several feeds.  Also it looks like you get a long stretch without feeding from BT to 12 midnight and LOs (BF or FF) are not expected to do more than one long stretch between E at night.

[Nat.lou.al]

Yes I BF him each time he wakes (should have mentioned 50% of the time he also wakes at 10pm), the 4am wake is usually just for comfort and by 5.30 we're helping him with gas. I find he nurses much better at night, no chance of being bumped by my toddler & doesn't have to listen to another Thomas train story haha! Plus he's still little so i expect night wakings.
It's the bedtime settling that's the main problem, he's happy during his bath but cries as soon as we walk into his bedroom, we've worked really hard to make sure BT is timed well so he's not UT or OT but it doesn't seem to make a difference. Now the paci isn't working as well at BT, plus it fell out 3 times during his last nap causing him to wake so his crib naps are becoming less restful too so that will be contributing to disturbed BT

[creations]

I've asked to see if I can get another pair of eyes over here as I feel I might be missing something.
If BT is timed well and he is fed, relaxed from his bath and there is no reflux pain... I'm trying to think what else could be bothering him.

[*Ali*]

It's very normal for babies of this age to want to be near mummy and need lots of help sleeping so not many are doing all naps in the cot already. I'd relax about that. As you say, you have a toddler who also has needs to be met and it is impossible to stay home for naps in that situation. I know that well as my oldest two are only 20 months apart and I felt the same conflict.

In the evening it is common for babies to have periods of crying and not wanting to be put down. Sometimes I have to try several times to nurse my 4mo before she will accept it if she is upset. Sometimes lying on my bed side by side was the only way she will feed without crying. It is just a phase and we are out the other side now I think. perhaps at this age you'd be better off waiting for her to be fully asleep before putting her down. There doesn't need to be any A time between feeding and sleep at BT.

[Nat.lou.al]

Thank you both for your insight and experience. I was beating myself up thinking i was missing something or creating more problems because I don't have as much time for him as I did with #1. It's easy to forget he's still little. I'll just keep making a big effort to ensure he isn't OT at BT because I'm sure that was our main issue in the beginning. Thank again