accidental parenting has prevented 2 yo from self soothing. HELP

[alwaystired]

Hi everyone. Its been over a year since I posted last. My LO is now 2. We had a rocky beginning with sleep (hence my name!). Anyways, turns out he had reflux due to CMPA which has lead to some AP. I always laid down with him for him to fall asleep. Now he wont go back to sleep in the middle of the night and can be up from 1am until 5am, flopping around, restless, keeping me up (I go in an lay down with him, usually I can escape once hes asleep, but lately I can't).
I am at my wits end. I am so beyond exhausted, I need help on how to get him to self soothe. He is in a twin bed now, with a babygate at his door. We tried CIO out of desperation the other night and he was so afraid, he pooed himself. We tried again last night and same thing, pooed himself. I went in to change him and couldn't bear to do it again. It went against all my mommy instincts but like I said, I am desperate.
I tried sitting beside his bed with a chair but he just keeps bouncing up to sit in my lap while crying. What do I do?
Bedtime routine has ALWAYS been:
7:30pm: quiet playtime for 30 mins
8pm:bottle of almond milk
8:10:brush teeth
8:15:3 books
8:20: bed and hes usually asleep by 8:45. Thats when he seems to naturally shut down.
Thanks.

[Haribo2012]

Hi there, massive hugs you must be so tired out. I’m glad you’ve decided against CIO as we do t support that at BW, but I’m sure we will find another approach for you.

Can you post his day, just so we can get a full picture of his wake ups and naps?

[alwaystired]

I cant really say much for when he is at the babysitters, but with me (and from what I understand its close to the same as the sitters) its
active outside play if possible from 9-1130 am,
 lunch at noon,
nap at 1pm usually 2 hrs
Snack at 3
Play shortly thereafter.
Dinner at 6
Play again maybe 30 minutes of paw patrol on netflix so i can make dinner

I cant help that there is tv in the background after 5 cus dad comes home and watches sports. Son doesnt really watch it anyways.

[Katet]

Hugs It's hard when you are so desperate that you try CIO, the trouble is that it feels like you have the potential to make one step forward, but the reality is you've got a lot of trust re-building to do before you are back to square one.

Looking at your routine you don't say what time he wakes up. Depending on when that is it is very possible that a 2 hour nap is robbing from night sleep.  Esp if he might be low sleep needs.  - What are his total sleep hours in 24hours now & say at 1yo & 6mo.

Given he is 2yo Lots of the planning & processes can be in telling him what you plan to do & how you plan to do it LOTS of communication. Explaining how & why he needs sleep & why you need sleep. Talk about what you think should happen (it won't happen straight away)
I found teaching my children to "sigh" & relax their breathing was possible from 18months. 

Be mindful too that at 2yo there could be a reason for the long night waking eg for my eldest we only worked at 5yo that he'd been suffering low grade glue ear for years... not painful ear infections, just fluid in the ear that irritated at night & made him uncomfortable... Dr kept saying nothing was wrong, but in the end an ENT worked it out & said the impact showed he had it for years. So it can be worth pushing at a Dr if there is the possibility it is more than just not knowing how to sleep.

Have you tried actually spending the whole night in his room to see what preseeds the initial wake up. With my DS1 he used to moan a lot before he eventually woke up (discovered that when sharing a room on Holidays) & I found that I could sometimes calm him before he actually woke up when I got in early.

Most important thing is to realise that  it's going to be a journey, not a quick fix.

[alwaystired]

He usually wakes around 7am when I have to get him up for the day. If I left him to wake on his own, he would be up around 8 am. He tends to like a 12 hour sleep, but again, its so broken up throughout the night, I'm not surprised by that. Nothing is waking him from his sleep cycle as far as I can tell other then the fact that I'm not there anymore and now he freaks out, calls for me and 'needs' me to lay beside him again so he can fall asleep.
Im reading Tracy's Toddler book and from what I'm seeing, shes sugesting sitting beside him as he drifts off to sleep when he first goes to bed, not laying beside him. And then eventually move to a chair, and fade out, but nothing about what to do when he wakes frequently at night. I can't sit beside him in his bed for 3 hours and 1am and wait til he drifts off again, you know? Thats the part I'm clueless about.

[Katet]

The key is in how they fall asleep as if they wake in the night they need to have the same conditions.  Also if you wake after 5/6 hours then it it is that bit harder to get to sleep again so it takes longer even if you are tired.

The key really is the bedtime. Once you can get away from lying with him at the start of the night there is less chance of needing it in the middle of the night. What I found was often it was easier to decide that once I had to go in, I may as well sleep on the floor the rest of night rather than try & go back to my own bed.

So at this point you do what you can with the night wakings but 100% focus on the start of the night.
Have a very clear pattern of a routine. A "sleep phrase" & yes not lying next to him.

So for the first few nights, sit next to him. Give him the message, stroke his hair or place hand on back or leg & do that until he's asleep. Each night try to do a little less with physical contact (eg first night take hand off for count of 5 in every 20, by day 4 maybe have hand on for count of 3 in every 20. When you can get to a point that it's just you saying a key phrase (like "time to sleep, good night ..." ) without physical contact, move slightly away.  When you can get to being a little further away, start briefly leaving the room 2 seconds first day, explaining you need to go to the toilet, but you will be back... first few days literally get out of sight & come back... gradually make the time longer. once you get to the point he actually falls asleep with you leaving & coming back for short periods then you can try that in the middle of the night.

In many ways the middle of the night stuff is like the roof on a building, you can't put the roof on if you don't have the walls in place... the walls are the ability to fall asleep without your physical presence.