Sooooo confused and depressed!

[oscar10405]

  Hello.  I would like someone, anyone with the time, to help me.  I think I have read just about everything there is to read with regards to baby sleeping.  I have spent HOURS looking at the internet trying to find answers and now I am just too confused and don't know where to start.  I was lent Tracy's book when my son was a few weeks old and I found it too complicated for my sleep-deprived brain and I thought - 'nah..can't be this organised!  A schedule...how silly!' but now, my son is 16 weeks old and I cry every day because I am tired and feel totally out of my depth.  My dream would be to have someone come and spend a few days with us and SHOW me what to do because I feel I need that support.  We are being referred to a sleep centre but I am dreading this as I think they will be too tough on my darling little boy.  I will write what he currently does and if anyone has a suggestion, please...go ahead, even better, write out a plan for me! - even BETTER....I will pay for you to fly to me and show me!  ( :roll: ) 

Okay, here goes - as he was an unsettled baby from day 1, we got him into the habit of sleeping on us, that is, we would jiggle him, walking around the house and then slowly sit down on the couch and he will sleep in our arms, never for more than 40 mins, often needing to be resettled during that time (yup....stand up, jiggle, shush all over again).  He often goes to sleep with one eye open, watching us!  At night, say around 7.30, we do the "thing" and sit on the couch, whispering to each other, often watching movies with subtitles so we can have the volume down, until about 10.30 when we will crawl into bed, give him a feed (breast baby only) and go to 'sleep'.  He sleeps in the crook of my arm and basically tosses and turns all night, needing to be reassured constantly.  We wake up around 7am and start all over again.  I keep him up for 1.5 hours then begin the sleep thing.  As his naps are so short and inconsistant, I have not been able to establish a sleep, feed, play routine so his feeds fit in anywhere from the end of a sleep to the beginning, or the middle!  I feed him every 3 hours.

He is a very alert boy, gets VERY excited and hyper (like his Dad).  He is happy most of the time.  We have spent lots of $$ on 'gadgets', even $400 on a baby hammock that he won't use.  His cot is attached to our bed and I would like to keep this, if I can as I've read so much on the benefits of co-sleeping.  At the very least, I want to be able to keep the cot in our room so he knows we are around.  We have just purchased a teddy bear that plays womb sounds and would like to start a pick up/put down type thing on the weekend.  I just don't know where to start.  He has NEVER slept on his own and as soon as you put him down he'll go crazy (he plays happily on his back). 

So....what do I want?  I would LOVE to be able to him down for day naps, that is, put him in bed so my arms are free for a while.  I would LOVE him to get past that 40 minute sleep cycle (and stop waking up after 10 minutes etc) and I would LOVE him to sleep at night (I don't care if he wakes up 2 times for a feed...just to get a restful night would be heaven).  I would LOVE to be able to put him to bed after his bath etc and watch normal tv with my husband and eat my dinner with two hands.

He also sleeps in a GroBag sleeping bag as he would wriggle out of being wrapped and i used to worry about how many blankets to use etc, the GroBag make it easy in that regard.  Um....what else....no dummy (we tried yesterday for the first time, didn't want it!)...no medical problems but does get bad wind at night, really stresses him out as he farts! 

I know I could buy the book but I'm scared that it will all just confuse me again! 

pretty please....help!.....i love him and want to enjoy him....

[isaac'smom]

Hello and welcome,

First of all, I feel for you and can completely empathize with you. I have been there! It does get better as long as you are consistent with whatever you choose to do. It sounds like you've started doing some things that have turned into habits and, as a result, your little guy is dependent on these things to fall asleep. You are lucky that you are trying to tackle this now rather than when he's older.

I would recommend starting to extend your son's feedings to 4 hours, as long as he's gaining weight well. Tracy recommends a 4 hour schedule at 4 months. You might find it useful to check out some sample schedules on the EASY boards.

I think your first job would be to teach your baby to fall asleep indpendently (right now you're probably thinking, 'ha! Yeah right. That will never happen!'  :wink:)  Try reading the special sleep interview with Tracy that is at this link...

http://www.babywhisperer.com/forum/a-special-sleep-interview-with-tracy-hogg-vt451.html

 I would recommend using pick up/put down. It will be difficult the first few nights, but it will pay off. There will be crying, but at least you are there with your baby instead of leaving the room. Again, consistency is the key. If you sometimes decide to resort to rocking/jiggling while doing pu/pd, it will be very confusing for your baby and will just set you back. They also tend to regress on Day 5. You may also find that your little one settles better by leaving him in the crib. Some babies find the picking up too stimulating (especially since your son is 'hyper' as you say). You may also want to stand there and just put your hand over his tummy as he lays there. This is what I did and then I slowly started leaving sooner and sooner until he didn't need me to be there.

Check out the pick up/put down board for instructions. There's a great post by jenapple at the top that is really useful.

Do you swaddle your son? You say he's very excitable and alert, so this may help. Do you have a nap/bedtime routine? This is extremely important so that your little guy knows it's time to wind down and prepare for sleep.....especially since he's so spirited.

I found that around this time, I reached my breaking point as well. It will be tough, but as long as you stick with whatever you decide to do, it will work. I was like you and read every book under the sun about baby sleep. I realized that I had to decide for myself what was best for my son and tweak the methods I liked best.

Hope this is somewhat helpful. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[chell]

Hi, I think Isacc's mum has given you some good advice. I also think that at this point it is really important for you to decide exactly which method you are going to use. I remember getting lots of different advice from family, friends etc and being totally confused, trying lots of different things every few days, because I didn't think it was working. Then I decided to stick to baby whisperer methods and things started to get better. The one thing I did learn was that:
Consistency
Persistency
Patience-
were the key things when using any method. It sounds as though you have quite a lot of work to do, so just concentrate on one or two things. Try not to change too much at once, so that you end up feeling overwhelmed.
 I used to read Tracys book when I was breast feeding, but I hear what you are saying when you explained that you feel exausted.

You will change things once you've decided on your method, and stuck to it. Things can only get better.
One last  thing which I found really useful, was having this website, so when i was doubting the method I could contact someone who would give me the confidence and belief to carry on. so do stay in touch with someone.

Good luck and loads of hugs.
Cheryl

[Maddy's Mum]

Hi there,

I think you have gotten some great advice, but I just wanted to add that if you are able to buy Tracy's newest book - The baby whisperer solves all your problems...' you would find it an inavluable resource - especially to get completely clued up on PU/PD and to have it at hand for reassurance when you do PU/PD. I think that by implementing PU/PD you will be able to aid DS to learn how to self soothe - so that he will be able to transition from one sleep cycle to the next, and not wake up and need reassurance from you to get back to sleep, like he does at the moment.

I would also suggest getting DH on board with PU/PD and then he can step in and take over if you need a break and think you are going to cave in and go back to what you were doing. The big big big key to PU/PD being successful is CONSISTENCY which is why it would be good to get DH clued up to take over if need be. When I did PU/PD there were times when I wanted to cave in as I thought it just isn't working for my baby - and I had lost count of the number of PU/PD I had done past 150 - but honest, stick with it - it works!

Tracy's latest book also has a very very good PU/PD section in which she describes how to do PU/PD to be most succesful according to age. For example, at 16 weeks you may have to swaddle to cut down on the baby's stimulation - when he cries, comfort him with soft reassuring tones whilst he is in his cot and then gently pick him up and hold him until he stops crying, but not more than four or five minutes. Don't keep holding him if he is fighting you - put him down and try and use pat/shush to calm him in the cot. On average, at three or four months, PU/PD takes around 20 minutes to work.

Four months can also be an unsettled time for babies anyway, because they go through a growth spurt - so try and increase his calories during the day - this will help him to go longer at night without a feed.

Good luck - we are here if you need us

Dee
x

[Claire Marie's mommy]

Definately find a method that you are comfortable with and stick to it.  When I first started, I had read soooo many articles and books that I didn't know where to begin.  I also had begun to doubt my instinct and did'nt trust that I was making the right decisions.  I still waver, especially when trying to do PU/PD in the middle of the night, but visiting these boards gives me courage and confidence and I know I'm doing the right thing for my baby.  Once you make the decision to just go with it and make a plan, you'll feel loads better.  I agree, just start with one or two areas.  When we started, I just concentrated recognizing my baby's sleepy signs.  Then moved on to not breastfeeding before sleep, and have now moved on to sleeping in the crib.   It can be overwhelming and you might feel like a prisoner in your house/baby's room, but it will be worth it when you can take a shower in the middle of the day, or actually fix yourself a meal for lunch!

[Monche]

I don't know if I will help you much, but I found that patience and persistency were the keys. In fact, when he went to bed, i would just get ready for the long haul, grab a beer and sit comfortably next to his cot. I would try reassuring and talking to him and if things got bad I would pick him up, but to be honest I didn't really do the pick up/put down thing. He was able to calm down by me just being next to him. It took along time as well, not the 3 days I was expecting, but he is able to fall asleep by himself now and I've never had to do walking, jiggling, etc. I guess what I am trying to say is that I saw Tracy's method as very similar to CIO, but with you there to witness it. It is hard, so hard I felt like crying with him sometimes, but it works.

I needed advice badly at the beginning and in fact I wanted to do a phone consultation with Tracy. I argued with my husband about the cost vs. benefit and then I found out two days later that she had passed away. I really felt let down, like I couldn’t manage it with her, but just sticking to what the book says has worked for us. My husband calls it the bible.

I had to move my ds to his room when he was 3 months old, because i was finding it extremely difficult to sleep with him in the same room. Every movement woke me up, if dh snored I panicked the lo will wake up, etc. So for me getting ds out of our bedroom has been a godsend in terms of sleep.

Hang in there, it will get better independent of what you do or which method you choose. My friend rocked her ds to sleep, didn't have any routine and he sleeps fine now. It is tough but it passes quickly.

Monche
mom of Ryan

[oscar10405]

Thanks to all of you who replied, I really appreciate it.  I will take on board the advice and give it a go on the weekend (husband has 3 days off).  I know it's not going to be easy... :?

[oscar10405]

Hello - me again.  Had a big think and still have so many questions...should read the book but like i said - i'm too confused now!  Can someone help me with the following scenario......when I put my bub down to sleep, he will go crazy - and sometimes he will get so hysterical that I cannot console him for a very long time, often so long that it runs into his next feed time, so I give him the boob and, of course, he falls asleep on it.  What do you do then?  If i put him down, it would all start again and I'm guessing he would never end up getting any sleep.  Isn't this dangerous for his wellbeing?  I guess I'm saying, do you NEVER give up?  At what point do you say, okay, this is really hurting him, I have to give him a break?  Some sleep clinics recommend giving up after 30 mins at his age and going for a walk in the pram etc and trying again next sleep time but you guys don't recommend that do you?  See, told you I'm confused.  My husband will help but he will be looking to me for guidance and I just don't have the knowledge or strength.  Also, is it okay to have the cot attached to our bed?  Sorry, just want to get it right. :cry:

[Monche]

What I did for a while was put him on the boob until he got very sleepy, then plug the dummy and put him in his cot. It wasn't what Tracy said but in the difficult times, it helped. Also, I tend to play it by ear in terms of whether to stop and take him out of the room when he gets hysterical. My advice to you would be keeping him in the room at the beginning, because he will be just resisting a change in how you put him to sleep. If you stop after 30 min, then he will just be more frustrated. Stick with it for as long as it takes at the beginning, until you "break him in". Then, once he is able to settle himself to sleep, if it does go wrong, i.e. hysterics, take him out after 40 min. A change of scenery can work wonders.

I know it is difficult to watch, but eventually they do tire and fall asleep, he will not be extremely sleep deprived forever. The only "wrong" thing you can do is not stick with one method, because if you are changing the rules on him all the time, he will have to learn something new all the time and will have more difficulty.

If you like having the cot attached to your bed, then by all means keep it there. But bear n mind that if you decide to move him to his room eventually, you will encounter resistance later. I slept with my mom and dad and even as an adult I don’t like being alone.

I forgot to mention, it is very important to move him to a 4-hour schedule. It follows his natural rhythm and will assist you in getting him to know when is sleepy time.

Hope it go well
Monche
Mom of Ryan

[Onewoman]

Wonderful advice from everyone! One thing I'm not sure I saw was to do a consistent wind down ritual. I think this is so important - my little one knows as soon as we go up and I shut the curtains that its time for sleep. She could have been full of beans 3 minutes ago and suddeny she starts yawning!

All this is Oscar, is doing exactly the same for every sleep time. I wrap Ruby in a blanket, take her upstairs, shut the curtains, half swaddle (talking quietly to her, telling her it's sleepy time), sit with her on the bed for a few mintutes cuddled against me until she is either nice and relaxed or is really fidgety (tracey says they fidget, arch and flail when they are trying to soothe themselves and I would definitely agree), then I put her in her cot and pat her bum for a few minutes, then go. If she cries (not mantra cries) I go back and soothe her IN the crib, just rubbing and patting her bum til she is calm again.

I found the bum patting was good because when I used to jiggle her I used to pat her bum then, so she already associated it with falling asleep.

One other thing - don't think you are being mean to your son by helping learn how to sleep! It is so important for the whole family and your son's independence to learn how to do it himself. His cries are frustration because it's hard to learn something new, but you being with him to help means he knows you love and care for him - you are not abandoning him. He is not in pain and he can cope! Just remember your role is to guide and teach your son and you are doing him a great service if you are consistent with him in learning how to get to sleep! If you are totally consistent it won't take more than a few days for him to learn.

Good luck! Just remember you can always come and let off steam here when it gets hard!

[Maddy's Mum]

Hi there - I think it would benefit you to have a plan of action! If you post your current EASY schedule with naps/feeds then we can sort you out an action plan and if you have any question, we can go through them one by one.

In reference to your questions above - It will be hard the first time you get DS to sleep without any props - he will get frustrated, cry, thrash around - its just his way of telling you 'Mum, we don't usually do it like this!' if you are consistent - and are calm, talk to him gently, reassure him - 'its ok hun, its just bedtime...' use pat/shush - he will know you haven't abandoned him, he is crying through frustration and not fear - I guess its like when you have one of those nights yourself - that you are tired and you desperatly want to sleep, but you just can't get to sleep - its frustrating!

Post back and we will sort you out a plan

Dee
x

[chell]

Just seen your message about, how long to try to get them to take a nap, before giving up. I seem to remember reading somewhere (either in Tracys book, or the sleep interview) that you should continue for the length of the average sleep cycle, which I believe is 45minutes. But, like Monche said if bub becomes hysterical, take him out, distract and calm him, before starting again.

I also agree that having a wind down routine is really important.

Cheryl

[oscar10405]

Hello all, once again, thanks so much for your replies.  I have printed the Sleep Interview and trying to read it but it's hard when he's with me 24/7!  I don't really have an EASY plan?  My day is sort of all over the place but goes a bit like this I guess...

7am Get up
Play with him for an hour or so then he gets tired.  Try to get him to nap (rock jiggle etc walking around the house) and he will be totally unpredictable, sometimes 20 mins, sometimes 1hour but ONLY with me being persistant and resettling him a couple of times.

Around about 10.30 - more play (tummy time etc) and at around 12.00 - 1.00pm we go for a walk in the pram.  He will always sleep in the pram but ONLY ever for 30-40 mins then wakes up, bright eyed and happy.

We have a bath around 6-7pm and try to get him to sleep for the rest of the evening usually.

Basically, I have been feeding him approx. every 3 hours but not always, depends, sometimes he seems to need it sooner, sometimes I have to offer out of desperation of getting him to sleep!  I usually watch him for tired signs but know that after 1.5 hours I should be winding him down. 

Yesterday, his schedule was like this:

7am Wake Up (6am feed)
8.30am Nap (feel asleep really quickly)
11.15 Get Up (Re settled him a few times)
12.30  Walk in Pram
12.50 Sleep in Pram
1.20  Wake in Pram

At around 3.30 I was trying to get him to have a nap.  This took AGES, walking around, jiggling, shushing etc...He would get sleepy but would NOT go to sleep, kept waking up crying every 5 or 10 mins.  I did this for nearly 2 hours and then gave up. This was a particulary bad afternoon - I don't know what was wrong, the same thing happened the night before. We went out to our friends house briefly, got back around 7, bathed him and tried again.  This time I used our NEW Prop which is a Mommy Bear that plays womb sounds.  He seemed to like this, and I patted his back and we went to bed at 9.30pm together! 

As usual (every night the same) he slept okay until around 3am when he starts getting wind pain (99% sure it's wind as he whinges, fidgets and farts) and I spent the rest of the night until 7 am constantly trying to soothe him.  This is in bed still but sometimes I have to hold him up against my chest and pat his back to soothe him.  He isn't hysterical just can't sleep. 

I think he would sleep MUCH better at night if he didn't get the wind problem.  Yes, I burp etc but not after dream feed at 11.00pm because he'll wake up if I do that!

Is is okay to use the Momma Bear when getting him off to sleep, it's easier that 'ssshhhing' for hours and he likes it?!

See.......I need help!

 

[oscar10405]

Hi again - me AGAIN.....having a rotten day.  Really reached an all-time low, thinking very negative thoughts about motherhood and doubting my suitability as a Mum.  For the last few days, Oscar has had a few crying spells which are totally out of the blue and out of character.  This morning, I got him to sleep with the usual methods and he woke up 40 mins later, as usual, but this time he was hysterical for about 10 mins.  He was the same yesterday afternoon and the evening before that.  I have no idea what's wrong and now I'm scared to start the "plan" tomorrow because there might be something wrong?  I've checked for teeth, couldn't see any, and he doesn't have a temp or anything.  Has anyone else had a baby that did this at this age for no reason?  Sorry ladies......I'm all alone in this town, my family and friends are interstate and it's tough...

[Onewoman]

You are not a bad mom! Babies are just very hard work and it's difficult to know what they need a lot of the time (which is why EASY is so great!).

My little one was like you describe until I started EASY, but to be able to get down to it I had to do a few things:

First, as she was not sleeping well and was so overtired I had to have a VERY relaxing time with her for several days. This meant not playing much (no play gym, toys etc. the only playing we did was just a little talking and cooing), having lots of quiet time, going for walks, but not doing stimulating things like going to the shops or having people round. This helped calm her down and it was loads easier to get her to sleep as she was not so over tired and over stimulated. I kept things this way for probably a week or so, and now whenever we get off track.

The second thing i can relate to is the windiness and inexplicable crying. Have you tried eliminating anything from your diet? The thing I found the worst was dairy products (it is the protein in them), so now I don't have any and her wind is 100% improved. The other thing is no caffeine or chocolate. There are obviously other things that may be causing your son wind problems, onions, garlic, some vegetables like cauliflower, broccoli. The list is endless really, but it is worth finding out what is giving him wind. It takes approximately 24 hrs for something you ate to affect him and if it's something you are drinking less time.

You can overcome this and start enjoying being a Mum again!  As I said at the beginning, one of the best things about EASY is it is so much easier to know what they are likely to want at a certain time and it improves your confidence tremendously. I really would take the time to read some of the book - I sat in the garden with the rocker chair - rock the baby and read. I also have the steps for pu/pd written up on my wall by the cot, so I remember what to do.

Keep going, and try to feel good about yourself - you love your son so much you are trying to find out what to do and make some difficult changes - that really deserves a pat on the back