Author Topic: Sooooo confused and depressed!  (Read 26883 times)

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Offline newhampshiremummy

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Sooooo confused and depressed!
« Reply #90 on: August 16, 2005, 19:26:18 pm »
Awwwww, honey. Don't despair. It can feel so desperate and hopeless, but it's not! It takes once to make a bad habit and forever to unlearn, that's the nature of things, but change will happen. Your baby wants to sleep, he really does! He doesn't know how to do it right now. And don't get hung up on one method and one book. Take a few suggesstions and do them religiously for a week and something WILL get better. Make your expectations small. If you focus on bedtime for the first week, that's all you have to worry about. Let the other naps happen in the stroller, in your arms, whatever. Gain a little confidence and then tackle each nap time at your pace. Your baby needs you sane, so however you do things that make you feel more calm, will make him feel more calm.
I hated when people said this to me- because "ah, duh, if I could, I would." But- can anyone relieve you a little bit? SOunds like a crisis over there, maybe you need fresh air or a mental break. It is so important that you feel ok. It is so hard to do that when you're not getting any sleep and when an overtired babe is taxing every bit of patience that you have. (I know!)
Don't give up! He's not hyperactive. It's more likely that he is super overtired. It might be worth it to get that sleep help you had written about before. If the BW methods don't work, it's ok to do what does work for you! It might help to have one person check in with you and help give you a plan to meet your individual needs. That's what I got out of Tracey's books. Yes- it's all about learning to understand your baby's language, but it is also about being as healthy as you can be to be ABLE to understand your baby. Even though he is a bundle of needs, you really have to come first. There's a southern saying taht goes, "AInt Momma happy, aint nobody happy." And that's the truth.
I hope you are still checking the replies to your posts. I know it's hard when it seems like there is no good news to report, but we all care about you because we've been there. Keep the updates coming if you have the energy.
My thoughts are with you!
((((HUGS))))) :)
Valerie
mother to Calvin 7/24/04


Offline netty

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« Reply #91 on: August 16, 2005, 19:51:46 pm »
Hi
My baby was really difficult for the first few weeks too.  He just didn't seem to be tired!  He could scream for hours.  Then, even at times when I knew he was exhausted, he still wouldn't sleep.  The only way he would sleep was if i jiggled him for ages and then would try to sneak him into his crib. 
I don't know if anyone else has suggested this, and i know its not seen as the 'right thing', but i decided to give up breast feeding and put him on the bottle.  he seemed to be fuller and more satisfied and a routine seemed more achievable.
Also, are you sure Oscar only has a 'sleep' problem.  I realised my baby was suffering with acid indigestion and this was the cause of his constant crying.  I now prop him up whenever possible, especially after feeding.  even his crib is raised at the head end so he sleeps on a slope.  this has really helped, and he has medication too.
Don't give up.  I know its tough.  i thought i was going to crack up or throw my baby out of the window. It will get better. 
Good luck

Netty x
Ben's mummy!

Offline Erin M

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« Reply #92 on: August 16, 2005, 20:26:16 pm »
As far as wind downs go, I rock my Katie in a rocking chair facing outwards so she can't see my face.  I sing a little song while we do this.  Sometimes if she's more wound up, we sing a couple of songs!  She's a bit spirited herself, but doesn't sound nearly as challenging as your DS.  Best of luck - keep it all in perspective - they're only babies once!

Offline oscar10405

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« Reply #93 on: August 17, 2005, 01:49:39 am »
Cheryl - thanks, as always, you're very kind and helpful!

Thank you Valerie, I am still checking the posts, obsessed I guess!  I know what you are saying about Mum needing to be okay.  I thought I was but slowly and surely, it's getting me down.  My health is really suffering too, which doesn't help.  Last night I was feeling so bad and was desperate for some sleep, but he woke up so much and I was up most of the night re-settling him.  I cried most of it too, I know.......not good for him.  It's hard to have perspective when you're so tired!  Poor little Oscar, I know it's not his fault!  I don't know what to do about the nights, other than using pu/pd to keep resettling him, how to stop him from waking...'dunno' and honestly, too scared to try a new 'method' because it's the continuous disappointments that make me so upset!  x

Thanks Erin - I don't think he's got reflux, I did look into that at one point - but it didn't really fit?  He really loves playing on his back, so that throws it out a bit I think?  Just in case, we do elevate his cot.  Believe me, I've looked into every possibility!  He doesn't scream that much, only when he's fed up with me trying to put him to sleep.  He wakes up and grizzles mostly.

Offline oscar10405

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« Reply #94 on: August 17, 2005, 02:26:23 am »
Oops - told you I'm sleep deprived!   :oops:

Erin - ignore the reflux comments they were for Netty!  I love your rocking chair idea - tempted to buy one.  Not sure if he'll take to it though, he squirms and fights if you try to settle him sitting down - he likes to be in the air?!  Still, the rocking might work? 

Netty - I know changing to formula works for some bubs but for me, I'd rather stick with booby because it's the one thing that is 'easy', I don't think i could cope with the extra work of bottles!  Besides, it's a big gamble for me I guess, if it doesn't improve his sleep, I've lost that one thing that I enjoy so much (i know this is personal preference etc).  He is in the 97th percentile for weight and height so he's getting enough milk and most likely not hungry!
xx :roll:

Offline Onewoman

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« Reply #95 on: August 17, 2005, 09:19:39 am »
Hi Jane  :D Sorry I haven't posted for a few days - I have been having my own struggles and feeling pretty down too. I am also unwell, which makes being mummy even harder than normal!
Anyhow, I've been thinking about your question about the wind down for a spirited baby and it made me think about when I was first doing EASY with Ruby. The wind down is important, but what is equally important is what is going on in activity time.

I remember I had to keep her really calm, (I know I said this before, but here is more detail), as she was sooooo overtired and overstimulated. Over a week or so I didn't give her any toys and didn't play with her very much (and didn't let anyone else either!). I would have a litte play with her when she woke from a nap. One thing that calms her is being outside, so I would sit outside with her in her chair and read, giving her the odd smile and a bit of rocking or we would have a little chat. Another thing that calms her is walks in the pushchair, but she has to be laying down, rather than sitting up, and not looking at too much stuff (which overstimulates her). Apart from those things, I brought her round the house with me while I did the housework (in her chair again). This seemed to keep her interested but kept her relaxed. I would give her smiles and a kiss now and again. I also had the tv off or on with low volume which helped a lot.

Over the first few days as she started to calm down, I would sit with her on my lap (her facing outwards) for long periods. Sometimes I would swing my legs gently side to side, or jiggle my knees a bit if she got fidgetty.  I would do this for a good 20/30 minutes before nap time. I really enjoyed having all this cuddle time with her!  :D

Also, as she generally started to relax, when I took her for a nap or bedtime, I gradually started to sit down while holding her. She liked me standing up too! I hold her to my chest by the way. If she started wriggling when I sat down, I would get up for a minute, then sit down again and keep doing that, trying to sit for longer each time. Also, I only did the patting when we sat. After a while she just got used to sitting down with me holding her, but it did take days. My back was so relieved!

I think if Oscar is more relaxed while he is awake, the normal wind down will be fine though he might need a good 20 mintues of it. (Shut curtains (I have it really dark), swaddle/put in grobag, sit quietly/do shh pat, put down). I hardly talk to Ruby when we go for sleepy time, and if I do it is very quietly. I find calming her physically with strokes and pats works better for her.

How close are you to getting Oscar going to sleep on his own? Does he just pass out when you do pu/pd for a while?

Let me know what you think  :D
Susana xx
Mum to Ruby Rose (Spirited, Touchy)
& Ella Joy 4/10/92 (Teenage and hormonal)

Offline oscar10405

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« Reply #96 on: August 17, 2005, 10:24:54 am »
Hi Susana - I'm sorry you are not feeling too great.  I hope it has passed?  If you wish to chat - please do - I'm usually better at other people's problems than my own...

I like what you wrote, I will try it.  Although he seems to be getting bored with our activity as it is.  He wouldn't go under his gym mat a second time today, it's like he knew he'd already done that in the morning.  I will definitely try your techniques. 

He is all over the place with sleep, sometimes, he's pretty easy to put down and closes his eyes with minimal fuss, then there's other times when it's an hour-long affair and he does eventually just flake.  9 times out of 10, he wakes up after 40 mins for naps, I think he's past that point on his own about 4 times in a fortnight? 

On another note - and I'm embarrassed to share this with people but feel I should.  I had a terrible fright - well, me and Oscar actually.  He fell off his change table on to our tiled floor.  I NEVER thought this would happen to my baby - but it did.  He was strapped in but pushed off with his feet and fell off the end, not the sides.  I had turned my back for a second, literally, heard a thud, turned around and saw my beautiful boy on the ground on his belly.  He cried instantly and all I could do was hold him until his cries came down.  I was too scared to look at him.  It was the worst thing I've ever felt in my life.  We took him to the hospital straight away and it looks like he's okay.  A massive bump on the forehead.  It was a big drop and a hard landing.  Of course, I was, still am, a mess and worried that he's not okay - and I'll be watching him like a hawk tonight so there will be no sleep again.  I feel sick as I can't get the image and sound out of my head. 

Sorry to be such a downer but I honestly thought that I would never let that happen to my baby - goes to show how lax I had become.   :(

xxx

Offline Erin M

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« Reply #97 on: August 17, 2005, 13:17:06 pm »
Quote from: oscar10405
Sorry to be such a downer but I honestly thought that I would never let that happen to my baby - goes to show how lax I had become.   :(

No, no, no you're not lax.  You are a wonderful mommy who is trying her hardest to do her best for her DS.  With the amount of time and effort you're putting into your baby, you are clearly anything but lax.  Hey, accidents happen and while I realize you must feel terrible, please don't blame yourself - who knew they could get off the silly things while they were strapped in.  I definitely didn't. 

Glad to hear he's ok!

Offline Onewoman

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« Reply #98 on: August 17, 2005, 14:24:00 pm »
I say the same as Erin  :) It wasn't your fault and accidents do happen. I know it will be hard for you not to give yourself a hard time (I think you are a lot like me in that respect!) but just reassure yourself in the fact that he is ok. Babies are tough little things  :D And you are definitely not lax - not one bit!

I remember when Ella was about 18 months old she managed to find a penny on the floor and get it stuck in her throat while I popped out of the room. It was the scariest few minutes of my life (and felt like eternity), as all the banging on the back, shaking her upside down etc would not budge it. She was going blue and I had no choice but to try and get it out with my finger - thankfully this worked. I will never forget that - it was so awful. I felt so terrible and so scared of what could have been. I prayed a lot after that I felt so grateful!

As for me, well me and Ruby had a cold a few weeks ago. She has finally gotten rid of it, but it has stuck on my chest and as I am asthmatic it has made me feel really tired and lethargic. So the house has been a mess which gets me down and I can't be bothered to go out which is not good for me either. I have had very little help from either Ella or Bob, which just es me off.

He went fishing Saturday left at 4.15 am and was completely useless for the rest of the weekend  :x . I've been trying to get some early nights so I can shake this cold off, but he just gets all funny because he is missing out on his cuddle time  :shock: . I just don't understand men sometimes - well most of the time! Ella is so busy doing her own thing or lazing around saying how bored she is, that she hardly ever spends time with Ruby, and I have to continuously remind her to do her chores (normal I know, but sooo frustrating). Aaah... the joys of family life  :lol: Anyway, with trying to get Ruby into a better routine and not being particularly successful, it was all getting a bit too much. I was even considering (with a lot of guilt) giving up breastfeeding so I could have a break, but I won't. I do love knowing I am giving her the best start in life.

For some reason today I am feeling a lot better. Maybe it was that Bob got up with Ruby this morning and I had an extra hour asleep. Maybe it was also the fact that I had a bit of support and didn't feel like a single Mum for a change!

So that's me! Have lots more to write but will have to do it later......so much housework to do  :shock:  :lol:
Susana xx
Mum to Ruby Rose (Spirited, Touchy)
& Ella Joy 4/10/92 (Teenage and hormonal)

Offline oscar10405

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« Reply #99 on: August 18, 2005, 01:57:23 am »
Thanks Erin and Susana!  I still feel guilty.....I know it happens but it was so awful.  Like I said - it will take a while to get the sound and sight out of my head.  Amazingly, he is fine, not even much of a bruise.  I actually think it was a bit of a miracle, sorry to sound corny, but he fell quite a distance on to a tiled floor.  He sort of flipped over.  I had a towel (headrest) on the table that came down with him, maybe that cushioned his fall.  If he didn't flip over, he would have landed on his head and no doubt not made it.  So.......I am breathing a big sigh of relief today and though it sickens me how close we could have come to losing him, I also feel like we are the luckiest parents around!

Re the penny story - oh crap.......that would have been just the scariest thing for you....what a nightmare.  I am petrified of chokings. 

Men - yep - I don't understand them either.   I don't think there's much to understand sometimes.  :lol: .  Mark is very helpful with Oscar, in a physical sense, he will come home and take over pretty much.  Of course he has no boobs but he do the bathtime or whatever so I can have a break.  I am very lucky, I know.  But he's really not very emotionally supportive, not because he's mean or anything, he just doesn't get it and doesn't feel things on the same level as I do.  Pretty blokey really.

I can't imagine having a teenager around the place!  It's a pity she can't be more helpful to you?  Have you tried having a 'chat'.  My Mum was never good at discipline but she would look sad when we mucked up and that was what made us start helping more.  Guilt is very powerful!

As for fishing.....Grrrr....!  I am really mean to Mark and make him stay at home these days - if I can't go out to the pub or whatever - neither can he!   :wink: I keep telling him that 'as soon as Oscar is a better sleeper, we can be more flexible' he he

I need my house to be clean or I get very uptight and feel quite 'out of control' so I understand all that.  It is hard though.  We live in the desert and it's very dusty so even if I dusted the whole house today, it would be dusty tomorrow.  There's no point worrying too much here, it's impossible to get on top of it.  Mark is also useless in this department.  I think he has an imaginary bin that he sees wherever he happens to be because he leaves a trail of wrappers and rubbish all over the house.  Honestly, like a kid would.

Take care - I hope you are getting better....xx

Offline Onewoman

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« Reply #100 on: August 19, 2005, 09:38:44 am »
I hope Oscar is feeling better and that you have managed to forgive yourself  :) Thanks, I am feeling a lot better. My chest is not so bad and I am feeling more energetic. I have also managed to get things in better perspective  :D

I did have a chat with Ella. I said I would love to hear those special 3 little words! SHe had to guess what they were. It took her ages, but eventually she came up with them.......CAN I HELP!!  :lol:  When I was having a tidy up yesterday and she said them to me, I nearly fell over. I was so appreciative so I think we both felt good. Hopefully it will continue...

Bob has also been trying to be super helpful. He is a lovely, kind man most of the time - he just has a lot of stresses to deal with right now. That's why normally I don't mind him doing his own thing to relax - he is a lot happier then and is more able to support me (usually!). He is also very blokey and not too good with emotions, so it's hard to talk to him sometimes as I usually feel things very deeply. I hope we can have a good talk over the weekend and hopefully he won't start cracking jokes because he finds it uncomfortable!

He has been learning how to get Ruby to sleep (not very successfully but at least he is trying). I think all this BW stuff just boggles him - he's very old school in terms of baby rearing and is used to doing all the pacing, jiggling etc that most people do. He doesn't like being told what to do, so we have been at quite an impasse, but he seems to be coming round. I long for the day he can put Ruby to bed and know what to do if she wakes - then I will be able to go out!!

Take care xx
Susana xx
Mum to Ruby Rose (Spirited, Touchy)
& Ella Joy 4/10/92 (Teenage and hormonal)

Offline oscar10405

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« Reply #101 on: August 19, 2005, 09:59:57 am »
You sound alot like me, as far as feeling things deeply.  I often think I'm not cut out for this world, especially child rearing!  My sister is the same. 

Glad you are feeling better.  I'm so glad you seem to have worked something out with Ella.

I was thinking of your last post re the 'calming' week you had with Ruby.  I had a chat to a nurse at the clinic we are going to in September - I wanted to sus out exactly what methods they use so I don't show up and end up leaving because I disagree etc.  Anyway, they sound great, will let me pick him up if he's crying etc but one thing she did suggest in the meantime is giving him LOTS of activity and keeping him up longer so he's really stuffed when I put him to bed.  I told her how it takes about 30 minutes sometimes to put him down and she said 'well, why not try keeping him up that 30 minutes longer?'.  I know - it sounds strange but this centre has been running for over 30 years or something and the nurses are very experienced?  I don't know......sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.  I tried it tonight and he was falling asleep really quickly but he's woken up twice since so I 'dunno'!......

xx

Offline chell

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« Reply #102 on: August 20, 2005, 18:55:16 pm »
Hi! had to join in about the 'men' thing. I'm sure they are a completely different species to us. I know they are very good in some ways and that some men are "in touch with their feelings" but my aint either! He's out playing cricket tonight! Have you read 'Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus' by John Gray? Its very interesting.

Sorry to hear about your little los fall, Jane. I'm sure he'll be fine though.
I've just been putting together a list of questions to ask the allergy specialist when I see him. Although I had a letter this morning for the appointment, saying I would be seeing someone else ( supposed to be this professor bloke), so I'll have to chase them up yet again!!

Jacob has conjunctivitis, any tips?

Hope you're feeling better Susana.
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Offline chell

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« Reply #103 on: August 20, 2005, 19:16:39 pm »
Go to the lounge and do the animal quiz! See what you come out as - apparently I'm a water buffalo!
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Offline oscar10405

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« Reply #104 on: August 20, 2005, 23:50:27 pm »
Hey Cheryl.....I did the quiz - apparently I'm human!  Good to know.  I found the questions hard to answer because almost all my answers are 'hmmm...depends....' - eg, I'm quite different in character amongst strangers than I am at home with Mark (he would probably say I am a monster) :x

Speaking of the man, I am getting quite frustrated with him 'changing' the routine all the time.  It's driving me insane - to the point where I just might be the only one to put Oscar to bed!  He sometimes 'forgets' the wind down, or forgot to put the night light on (Oscar woke up in complete darkness the other night!), or today....put him down awake.  I said "what are you doing?" and he replied "isn't that what we're supposed to do?".  I was like...'Yes, but we HAVEN'T been, you can't just CHANGE the rules on him when you feel like it!!!"  Grrrrrrrrr.  :evil:   I think we do things differently with soothing too - maybe this is creating problems. 

Anyway.....had to get that off my chest! 

Cheryl - don't you hate that when you've got your hopes pinned on seeing a particular person and then it changes!?  Maybe it's destiny, maybe this other person is 10 times better....?  I really hope you are happy with the outcome.  I find 'professionals' to be incredibly frustrating at times.  It still amazes me how little agreement there is amongst various 'experts' when it comes to babies. 

I really don't know what to do about conjunctivitis - maybe put a note on the medical forum?  Sorry, I'm no help.

Better go, Oscar is due to wake up - it's been 35 minutes.  Yesterday he had 4 x 40 minute naps ( :roll: ) and had red-rimmed eyes for most of the day.  It broke my heart and made me feel terrible but he's impossible to get 'down' after that 40 minutes and wakes up smiling.  It's only after about 30 minutes of being up that he looks tired again. 

xxx