Crying is making me cry

[JKHH]

My LO is just over 3 months old. She is spirited/textbook. We have worked with her a lot in the past month and she is sleeping well...the problem is how much she cries when she is doing her nap/bedtime routine and that she will not go down for her Dad.

She has always cried when going to sleep. It started to get better to the point it was a sob. Then my DH stopped being able to get the baby to sleep! He did not tweak his routine according to what I was doing and his way stopped working. (He was trying to get a spirited baby to sleep while looking at a window???) I got a flu and DH did all the shifts for a day or so...it was awful...all my progress melting away. When I took over again the crying was as bad as three weeks earlier. I have been working with my LO ever since (2 weeks) and things are going well but not as good as before.

My problem is that my DH can't get the baby to sleep without throwing her off...and when he tries the crying gets awful again.

I don't know how to fix either problem. Her crying breaks my heart.

[palaeologus]

I may be answering a totally different "big picture" question here, but ...

It sounds as if you and your hubby aren't on the same page concerning how to settle the baby.  It happens to a lot of couples -- DW and I have to work at comparing notes, and because I am away much of the day I have to pay attention to her status reports (for example, DW and LO demonstrated today how LO is just about to master pulling up to a standing position, which affects a lot of things).  There are some days when I simply don't have "the magic" and DW does (and vice versa), and there are plenty of things I used to do (but yawning and playing possum worked great at 2 months!) that I've had to discard.  By the same token, I tend to dare DW by example to try things like PU/PD that she wouldn't otherwise.

If hubby really wants to learn how to help your LO to sleep, rather than just pinch-hitting for you on a dire-necessity basis like when you were sick, he should be amenable to listening to some of your advice.  It's statistically likely that you spend somewhat more time than DH with your LO, so your advice should count for something (I agree that a window might not be a great sleep crutch LOL).  Maybe you could persuade him to read excerpts from Tracy's books?

But it may be [putting on flameproof asbestos suit here] that he's simply "not that into" baby sleep issues and doesn't want to learn a better way -- it's apparently not that uncommon in fathers, for better or worse.  If that's the case, you could allocate yourself all the putdown tasks and, so that you can gain the knowledge and stamina for that important task, put DH to work on ancillary baby duties: have him fetch or prepare one or more meals (or make it so that you can do so more easily), have him pick up your shopping list, or something else that would be helpful.  IMO it helps mental health if you can all feel like you are on the same team (Team Baby! Go go go!) -- not everything has to be about both of you being perfect at getting baby to sleep.  And it's quite possible that in time he'll volunteer for some of the other tasks (how about solid food feedings?) when he sees that baby is turning into a little girl -- never forget that this is all temporary. 

One thing about having two parents living together with baby is that each parent can be "better" at some things -- meanwhile, your LO gets the "best" of both of you at all things!  Good luck!

[JKHH]

Thank you for the reply.

I can understand why you might think that my husband is not as committed to sleep issues as I am. However, he does do a lot when he is home. We already went through a phase where he was better at putting her to sleep than I was. The problem is that when I tell him things he doesn't always listen or remember :shock: It is a man thing more than a disinterested Dad thing.

When he came home from work he was putting her to sleep and doing bedtime plus half or more on the weekends. The problem is his routine stopped working...and I didn't realize we had two different approaches going :?

He watched how I do it and is able to get the baby to sleep but it is not easy and she does not sleep for long. Then the over tired cycle begins.

I am confused a bit...we are encouraged to give the baby the same routine...same words said etc. Clearly having a routine works, but it seems to be working against me too. Is that possible?

[palaeologus]

You are fortunate to have a "hands-on" husband.  It makes a real difference!  As for the listening aspect, sometimes it takes a little showing as much as telling.  It helps me to observe as much as to be told -- a picture is worth a thousand words, or so they say. 

But if he's watched you and closely duplicated your routine, it may be that you both have to tweak certain sleep conditions.  Remember that a 3-month-old is a big(ger) girl now and should soon transition to a four-hour E.A.S.Y. schedule where there are longer delays between feedings.  Feeding my LO fewer times cut down on her gas, which definitely affected her putdowns at that age.  DW and I also had installed much darker window shades, which we pull down while singing as part of our putdown ritual.  Apart from that, all I can add is that having a white-noise CD in a player with an auto-repeat feature was a real help from 3 months (one can't over-set the stage).