Can a baby have trust issues? (sorry, turned out long)

[GG]

I'd like your opinion on whether a baby can have trust issues and so hate going to sleep.  Here's the situation: my DS was a great sleeper up until he was 3 mo.  That's when I read Tracy's book and realized that I was accidental parenting up the wazoo.  I would nurse him to sleep, DH would let him sleep on his chest, put him in the swing to sleep... he rarely fell asleep on his own.

Since then I started putting him in his bassinet and crib to sleep, but he won't go down without a fight.  He sees the darkened room and he starts fussing and complaining!  He's a combination spirited & touchy baby, so I know a big part of it has to do with his temperament.

I'm wondering if, along the way, I made him hate sleeping.  I haven't been very consistent with how we put him down to sleep, so I'm sure he's confused.  I've tried very hard to follow Tracy's method (pat/shh & subsequently PU/PD).  I have to admit that I don't always 'go all the way' with it.  The crying (screaming) gets to me and I'll go back to light bouncing.  My DH is worse, so he's no help.  He'll take over if I'm fed up, but he resorts to bouncing even if I've asked him not to.  I'm also not sure if I sometimes was wrong about his cues and tried to put him to sleep when he wasn't really sleepy.  Can he 'hate me' for that?!

So here I am, going over my plan of attack to try - yet again - to sleep train.  It's hard not only because I'm doing it alone but because I need to find a week when I'm not driving somewhere.  BUT... the plan is pointless if my DS doesn't trust me.

Some notes:  I've tried implementing a wind-down routine, which is hard for him because he just won't sit still!  Somehow, I found something he likes.  I'm not sure if it's really good for winding down, though.

I also started letting him play in his crib a little bit during his activity time so that he doesn't have negative connotations of it, so I know that's not a problem.

I've never let him CIO, never left him cry alone for more than about a minute (say I've had to run to the bathroom and he wants to be out of his crib).

What do you think?  I think I've reached a point where I can do the PU/PD without caving in (I have ear plugs and that really does help!  :wink:) but I don't know if I need to change my plan to try to tackle any trust issues.  I'd appreciate your feedback!

[lil'monkey]

I think that you are on the right track by letting him play in the crib to feel safe and good in it.  Another suggestion might be to dim the room as well to get his mind to slowly shift gear into sleep mode about 30 min before.  There was a time for several days where dd (6 mos, age related?) would get very distress when we approach her room for bed.  I just spent several days doing most of the activities in her room in low light - that's when I discovered that she likes borrowing her face in freshly dried laundry!   :lol:

Also, I don't think babies are capable of hating their parents.  But they do have unconditional love for us, despite our failed attempts at understanding them sometimes.  Good luck!

[Johno & Aurelias Mum]

OK  first of all he doesn't hate you.  He has no concept of hate, he just loves you so much that he wants you there all the time.

However, as a sensible mommy you know that can't happen forever so you have to teach him how to sleep on his own.

As far as trust goes, I don't think you've broken trust, you've always been there.

If you feel ready to do PU/PD without caving in then I would go for it.  If it makes you feel better sit down with DS and tell him what you are going to do.  He won't understand, this is for your benefit.  Tell him you've made some mistakes and so you're sorry but you've devised a new plan.  That everything will be fine, but you are going to follow it, there's no going back.

Then you and DH must stick to it.  It will probably only take a couple of nights if you are really consistent to see progress.

Do as Mimi suggested and wind down very gradually for a spirtied/touchy baby and remain calm yourself, talk in a calm voice and move slowly not trying to rush everything ready for bed.

Good luck.

[cazao]

in my work i`ve seen parents do some pretty terrible things to their kids, and their kids still love them and trust them so much it hurts. so please don`t worry about that. you`ve always been there for your son, and you`re clearly a great parent, so put all thought of love/trust issues out of your mind...babies`ll forgive us for a lot worse. the only thing he may be feeling apart from unconditional love for you is a little confused about the whole sleeping thing...just try to keep consistent with the sleep training and it`ll pay off i promise.

[GG]

I didn't really think that DS hated me.  I guess I was feeling a bit stressed when I wrote this because the last couple of days have been rough.  On top of it, he may be teething (I've been going back and forth on this for a couple of weeks.  As a first time mom, I'm just not sure.) so there's a chance that he's been stressed because of this.

To my DH's defense, it's not that he doesn't want to follow the BW methods.  He's all for it.  He just does the first thing that comes naturally when he hears the baby cry; he bounces.     He did it again tonight and I said, "No, honey, you have to stop bouncing now or hand him over.  Two minutes later, he handed him over to me.   :wink:)

Anyway, today was a good day.  I think I followed the plan pretty well.  We'll see how tomorrow goes.

I really appreciate your support!!

[Florencia]

oh GG!!

I feel for you! I wish sleep training would not be so hard on us parents. But trust me, it's not as hard as it seems on babies. Rememeber that crying is more a language to them than an expression of pain as is for us adults (although in some cases, it looks like )

You just keep consistant with whatever routine you've chosen. It may not pay off instantly and therefore, be frustrating but beleive me, if you keep switching it will take you longer to get results.

By that age, my lo became especially restless to go to sleep. I applied a "human swaddle" since he was way too strong to be swadled on a sheet. I'd sit with him in the rock chair after 15-20 mins of winddown (changing nappie, lowing lights, reading book, holding stuffed animal) and sing him hold on through 10 minutes of rage cry and kicking and beating my chin (yea, hes way TOO Spirited :roll: ). The trick is holding him as if you were the sheet, stopping him from kicking and arm flailing which I ovbserved was making the falling asleep more difficult. The first time it took me 40 minutes but i just kept holding  and singing him with my eyes closed (so I wouldn't look at the mess I was causing :oops: ). Second day it took me 15  minutes (which is WAY too much if you're thinking on hysterical crying). In a week he'd cry hysterically for a couple of minutes and then fall asleep. I'm suggesting this to you because 1. It was my alternative for PU/PD since Im too chicken to try it. 2, DS was about the same age as yours when I started doing this. 3. The method was comfortable for me since i was sitting in the rockchair and not getting tiredfor leaning over the crib or walking or picking him up (see, if you're phisically comfortalbe is more likely that you'll succeed because your only tiredness will come from your mind)

After 2 months I could skip the human swadle part and put him in the crib straight after winddown and pat his back and he'd fall asleep. One month later I stopped patting.

About teething, they can teethe for MONTHS before you even see anything. They might be distrurbed for a couple of days and then nothing for weeks and then again and this can last months before you even see reddish gums. Try some oraljel before winddown to see if it helps you.

Also tweaking will be a contstant from this age. Maybe he needs to extend his awake time. Sometimes the difference is 15 minutes to stop all the fighting to go to bed.

But the key is consistance. You just pick a method/routine that is comfortable for you to do every time and keep doing it even if the first days does not seem so succesful.

Stop thinking that you're a bad mom! we all make mistakes even those moms who are not first time moms.

All my family told me that if my baby napped he would never sleep through the night. So get this: I woke him from his naps and would never let him nap longer than 30 mins for his first two months of life. Then, when I read Tracy's book i'd be fighting with short naps till 5 months!!!!!!!!!!!1 I almost fainted when he took his first 1 hour nap! I felt like I won the Nobel Prize Talk about ruining things for him and confusing him!!!!! so chin up! you'll be fine! HUGS