HELP-How to get 18mo to fall asleep on own b4 dh forces CIO!

[austinsmommy]

Ok, I need help QUICK! My 18mo ds will not fall asleep on own @ night. During the day, it takes 15-20min for him to go down for his nap but @ night it often takes upwards of an hour. We are expecting ds #2 in January & dh is now pushing for the bedtime madness to stop. I CAN NOT do CIO but dh says if I don't come up w./something better NOW, he's gonna take over & impose CIO. This panicks me. I mean literally panics me! ds was severe reflux & high needs so spent first 5 mos screaming literally 18-20hrs of the day all day, every day. He never slept more then 20-45min @ a time during that time. I can't take the crying now as a result. It is a physical reaction now more than an emotional one. It causes instant flashbacks to those dark days when I honest to God wished my son would just disappear or that I could just walk out in front of a bus to make the madness stop. So CIO is just not an option for me. Not a healthy one at least. DS started sleeping through the night FINALLY @ 14mos old. I don't want to screw that up. Here is our bedtime routine. Tell me what I can do to make it go faster. I can't put 2 babies down to bed like this!

715 wind down play
730 bedtime stories
745 Bath & bedtime snack
8pm pjs on then sippy of milk while sitting w/Mom in rocker holding blankie & listening to womb sounds cd. This is the same thing we do for nap time but he goes down w/in 15-20min whereas bedtime it can take him an hr to fall asleep.

If I put him in the crib not fully asleep he wakes up & starts screaming. Have repeatedly tried pu/pd pat shh to no avail. Not sure what to do. I can't understand why we do the exact same thing @ both naptime & bedtime, down to the exact same music even yet bedtime takes 3 times as long for him to fall asleep. I'd love to teach him to fall asleep in his crib on his own but don't know how. Unless ill he usually puts himself back to sleep when he wakes up in the middle of the night w/o any problem. I don't understand why he can't fall asleep in his crib on his own  before bedtime & naptime.

Please help!!!!

Jen

[stasztk]

He won't sleep on his own because it is not what he is used to. Let your dh know that cio will only make the problem worse! He will be afraid of his crib. Do not let him do it. I let my former dh do that and my son is still scared of going to bed on his own! He's 5! No matter what your dh says stick to what you believe in. Your child will matter to you forever the guy you're married to may not. Sad truth sister. I can't tell you how many times I disagreed with my ex on parenting. I can tell you that no matter how much you love him if he makes your child sad you'll be angry with him. Do this enough times and the marriage can't survive. I'm not trying to scare you, but I have been there. A man that truly loves you and respects you would not make a decision like this with out you. This child is your baby. You have the right and resonability not to allow anything or anyone to hurt him. (Yes what he is proposing is very hurtful and I know you know that)
Your son will be able to feel the tension between his parents. It will take time for him to be able to put himself to sleep. It is not his fault DO NOT PUNISH HIM! Keep trying to pu/pd and pat shush.
If you allow your dh to let ds cio it will not only hurt you it will hurt your ds and it will hurt your marriage. Please write back. Tell me I'm wrong and i'll think of somthing else. I want to help.

[Johno & Aurelias Mum]

Hi Jen

I think for a start he should go to bed earlier.  7pm is a better bedtime for an 18 month old.  He may be overtired by 8pm.

What you need to do is have a plan and stick to it and get some ear plugs because there will be crying but not CIO.

Have you got Tracy's third book and have you read the sleep interview.

You need to familiarise yourself with how to do PU/PD and you need to try again but don't think its going to work the first night, or the second, or the third but by the fourth you should be seeing some results.

You need to do a couple of other things, you need to take control of your emotions, DS will sense you are tense and will think there is something to be afraid of when going to bed.

Secondly you need to get DH to read how to do PU/PD, you need to agree how to do it with him and get him to help.  If he's going to moan- he can help.

If you want, we can give you loads of support on the boards, we can describe in detail what we do but under it all, you need to be really committed do seeing it through.  It will work.

Lots of hugs

[Deb_in_oz]

without knowing your full day routine my instinct was also that he is overtired by the time you get to the actual bedtime. unless his day is starting closer to 8-8:30am i think you shoudl definitely move it back to be in bed by 7-7:30 (earlier the better to start and see what works for him)

also - do you think there is too much activity happening close to bedtime?  even if you think it is quiet activity it could be drawing the evening out too much for him.  maybe either cut out the snack or move it to an earlier time before the bath. 

he will learn to fall asleep in his cot - like johnosmum said it will take a plan and sticking to it - you have to be consistent,  then he will learn what is expected of him and eventually he will start to go down to sleep easier and easier - it will take a bit of time though.

[austinsmommy]

We orig started putting him down a bit later b/c he was only ever sleeping 10hrs a night & therefore getting up between 530-6 in the morning which was way too early for us.  Since we started putting him down a bit later he started sleeping till 730-8. A much better start time for our day! Mind you, bedtime is actually a hair easier now @ 8 than it was @ 730.  Still takes a long time but there's no screaming involved now b/c he's not ready to go down. He also takes a 1 1/2-2 1/2 hr nap @ ~1p.

Refresh my memory as it's been a long time since we did pu/pd on how you do it. Specifically, how to do it w/an 18mo.

What do you all do w/your kids @ bedtime? Details please!When do you give bedtime snacks? We started giving his in the tub cause it's the only way we could get him to eat it & when he started taking a bedtime snack, coincidentally he started sleeping through the night.

How soon should I start winding down play @ night before bed? What sort of wind down stuff should we do? We've been reading books with the lights dimmed about 15-30min prior to bath time.

I'm ok with some crying-I just can't do CIO as I think it's cruel & it brings flashbacks of the dark days when he just screamed all the time.

thx for helping I need a lot of it & a lot of support!

jen

[Johno & Aurelias Mum]

Hi Jen

We don't have bedtime snacks, we have tea at 5:30 ish then bedtime is 7:00 and he has a drink of milk just before getting into bed.

My rule is basically no chasing around, loud play after tea.  We generally finish tea, go in the playroom and play with cars or something.  Then we have a couple of books.  Then we get his drink ready and take that upstairs, get his pyjamas out, have a bath, massage his cream in, have a drink then bed.

By this time he is fighting to keep his eyes open.

As far as PU/PD goes, when I need to, I just do PD because PU winds him up more!  I lay him down and say lie down time for sleep.  Then he gets up so I lie him down and we do this until he's flagging a bit, then next time I lay him down, I put a hand on his hip and he generally stays there.  As long as he's putting some effort into sleep, I leave my hand there until he's almost nodded off, I gently remove it and stand next to his cot.  Just before he goes off completely, I leave the room and stand just outside for a few minutes.

That all makes it sound easy but if you crack it once, when you have hiccups - holidays, teeth etc - you just do it the same way you did before, they realise what you are doing and it works more quickly.

I hope this helps.