How to encourage self soothing?

[heather10]

My son is 11.5 weeks and cannot self soothe.  At present, we are using a pacifier to assist him with soothing back to sleep or to relax him if he is overtired and having trouble falling asleep.

My son can put himself to sleep for naps and bedtime if he is caught in the window and swaddled/laid down very soon after the cue.

When he wakes at night, or after a 45 min nap, he is unable to settle himself back to sleep.   I have to come and replace the paci at night, and in the daytime, there is nothing to get him back to sleep - he just wakes and is up until he is tired again - 30 mins later or so.

I admit that I cannot bear to hear him cry and tend to rush in.  This is partly in an attempt to circumvent any hysterics or from him waking himself up completely.  I figure if I can get in there and solve it, the faster we all get back to sleep.

He has not found his hands yet and I don't think he knows they are his or what to do with them.  I wish he could suck his thumb...how great that would be.

He is currently swaddled with both hands in.  For the last 2 nights, I have tried swaddling with one arm out, but he seems uncomfortable with this arm waving about, so tonight we are back to no arms out.  With no hands out, he has no way of practicing, so what can I do to help him learn?

What can I be doing instead of rushing in?  I am just afraid of him crying and waking himself up and getting into hysterics where I would have to try 5 times harder to get him back to settled again.  Is this accidental parenting?  Should I be doing something differently, and putting in the effort now to show him, even though it may mean that he gets more upset and cries?  What can I do?

[Gigismom]

i too prayed to the "thumb sucking" god...he didn't answer.  gianna never has sucked her thumb.  i don't really have much advice other than be patient.  i know it can be frustrating watching them fumble about with their fingers but not being able to calm themselves.  we started doing the one arm out of the swaddle at about 12 or 13 weeks.  once we did that, she started doing a weird licking/sucking on her forearm that she still does today before sleep.  sometimes now though, she uses a blanket to lick.  it just takes PRACTICE (lots and lots) and a little coordination.  there will be times he cannot soothe himself, so he will need you.  but just hang in there.  he will learn in time.  with gianna, we just gave her a few mins before each nap to settle herself, even if she was fussing.  i think this forced her to learn to find a way to calm herself.

[Intransit]

My son is just 3 months old, and I just started easy 8 days ago. So far so good...but on the case of self soothing--not so much. Like the first post said if you catch him and put him in bed in the right window..then no problem.....but if you miss it...for me its up to 40 minutes of pat/shh. On the point of sucking thumb etc..my lo has been sucking his fingers for a few weeks now...however does not use them to go to sleep, so to aid his going to sleep I give him a pacifier, which he spits out when he's "done". I hope hte finger sucking is an indication of things to come.

[rebecca-isabella mum]

Hi there

For some reason this week we are having the same problem. My DD used to be such a good sleeper 8.30pm - 6.30-7.00am  :wink:

But this week she has been waking every hour anything from 1am til 5.30am for her dummy, its been driving me mad!! I only had 2hrs sleep on Tuedays and really broke down in the middle of the night!

Until yesterday though it wasnt interferring with her naps. But when I put her down late afternoon she would fall asleep and then 5minutes later would wake for her dummy. So i though right thats it NO MORE DUMMY!! :x

It started off well she was just sucking her tongue. Then she got so overtired she cried solid for nearly an hour. I could do nothing to console her pat shsh wasnt working I felt so bad it made me cry.

So Then I feed her at 8pm bathed her and gave her a massage which really calmed her down. I put her in her cot at 8.35pm and she slept until 7.10 this morning! I thought it may have been a one off but i also put her to bed for her morning nap at 8.45am without her dummy and  she put herself to sleep! RESULT     

I think you should stop using the dummy as soon as you can before your DS gets too dependent on it!

Good luck 

Rebecca xx

Mummy to Isabella Grace 22.05.05 (spirited)

[horseymum]

Have you tried using a small cloth for her to suck on - i now use a muslin for my son 4.5 months old and he seems to like the feel of it and it is harder for them to lose or drop.  i just put it in his hand at night andif i peek in i see him waving it around and sucking it as he gets himself off to sleep - he has never liked a dummy and seems to have forgotton how to suck his thumb/fingers.

[Intransit]

TO the previous post...is there not a hazard about choking? I realize you do not mean a 1*1 size cloth, but couldnt he put it in too far? Just curious....

[{{{Angela}}}]

When ds was smaller, he used to suck on our fingers for soothing (or my breast, but we stopped that!) until he drifted off to sleep.  We got him to suck on his own thumb by letting him suck on our finger first to calm down a bit, then we'd replace our finger with his thumb, and he'd keep sucking.  Mind you, when he fell asleep, his thumb would fall out of his mouth and he'd need help finding it again, but over a couple of weeks he was able to find it himself.  Now he's 14 months old and still a champion thumb sucker!

[CaedensMama]

Oh Heather - that sounds like my son as well!
I am having a horrible time trying to "teach" him how to self soothe. I cannot get him to go to sleep on his own and lately he has been fighting going to sleep at all. It is so frustrating!
However - he sleeps good at night, so it is the days that I am struggling with. Once he is down at night, he wakes 2 times to eat and goes right back to sleep. I cannot complain here!
Any more suggestions? I may try the small blanket instead of the paci and see what he thinks.

[heather10]

This is all great info!

Well I want to get rid of the paci - my DS 1 became dependent and I want to avoid that.

My son does not sleep with it.  He does not put himself to sleep with it.  He only uses it when overtired in order to calm and spits it out before he falls asleep - is that not OK?  I thought it was better than sleeping with it in....?  I still want to get rid of it though and this might be a good time.

I will start swaddling one arm out, but I think I need to teach him to find his hand/fingers.  I think we are gonna stop cold turjey starting this weekend and see how things go.

[micah'smom]

heather i think it's fine! if your lo is spitting it out before sleep, he's just learning to calm down. self-soothing doesn't really happen until 4mo, if i'm correct. my 4.5mo still uses his paci sometimes b.c he sucks his thumb but still jerks his little arms around so it's hard for him. i wasn't even planning on buying a paci when i was pregnant, but i realized he needs it - i EBF and ds is a very efficient feeder, so he doesn't spend as much time on the breast but still needs the sucking.

[Jaqi]

Hi,

My son is 8 weeks and we've started with EASY about a week ago. Since then, everytime we start with the nap time (or the bed time), he fights against the sleeping. It's so frustrating and he really cries loudly ! It can be just for a couple of minutes, but sometimes it feels like it's going on forever.

We've tried a paci a couple of days ago, but just after one day's use he was so dependent on it and everytime he woke up he needed it again, that we realized we had to take it away.

Is it normal for them to fight against the sleep and why is that? It breaks my heart when he cries so loudly. We use a variation of the ssh-pat if he's calm,  (just the ssh part while stroking his forehead or cheek - he has a mild case of reflux so the patting REALLY upsets him), but if he's frustrated the ssh-pat does not work at all. The only thing is if we sit in the chair and lightly rock him (but that is another prop on it's own)

Any ideas would be great (or to know if this is normal or not).

Thanks
Jaqi

[micah'smom]

jaqi,

you sound like me 3 months ago!
how long is your lo awake before naps and bedtime? at his age he probably can't stand more than an hour of wakefulness, 1.5 at most. try putting him down earlier than you do and see what happens. make your wind-down time with him really long so he has a chance to calm down. at his age just looking around the room is so stimulating!

i don't think you should worry about your baby becoming too dependent on you holding and rocking. you can use that to calm him down, then once he's drowsy, put him in the crib. as long as he's still a little awake when you put him down it won't become a prop. i used to have to hold my ds in the COMPLETE dark and sing to him for him to get sleepy. now at 4.5months i just hold him for a couple minutes and sing the song, put him down, pat him, and he's knocked out.

don't worry it'll get better! he's so young he needs your help to fall asleep at least until 3.5 months.

[Jaqi]

Thank you for the advise. We'll definitely try that and see if that helps his sleep time. Currently we try and catch him with his first yawn, and as we just started with the EASY routine he doesn't really have such long awake periods. I think at most we keep him up for about 30 minutes.

We might have 'snacker' on our hands, so we think that might be the reason why he only sleeps for about 30-45 minutes. He is gaining weight at a very healthy pace (about 50g (or 1.5 oz) a day), so we know that he eats enough, the only problem is, that his EASY cycle is only about 2 hours (sometimes only 1 hour and 45 minutes).

As we've only started with the easy routine, we didn't want to introduce too many variables at the same time, so we're first trying to get him used to it, and then start lengthening the times between his feeds by about 5 minutes every day.

We'll keep our fingers crossed though.

[CaedensMama]

Jaqi - I'm with you as far as trying not to introduce too many "new things" at the same time. Currently I am working on getting him to get at least 2 - hour and a half or two hour naps during the day with a couple 45 minutes stuck in ther too. And just be taking 45 minute or less naps all the time. And trying to get him well rested and on top of things and then I would like to try and get him to go to sleep on his own. So far - I think often he is so tired it is futile cause he just screams.
From what I am hearing though - hang in there and it will get better! I know when he can put himself to sleep and give me good naps (where I can occassionally sleep too - it will all be worth it!
And it couldn't be any worse if I wasn't trying to follow some type of routine so it is helping me knowing I have a goal in mind that we will get to!

[Jaqi]

Thanks Jennifer.

How are you trying to lengthen his naps? Daytime wise this lo isn't napping for more than 30-45 minutes either. And you're right the crying/screaming in between is definitely not helping the situation.

I would have thought he would be so tired that when he passes out in my arms and I put him down that he would just sleep it off ... but no go.

I know that this will get better one of these days, but it's SO frustrating at the moment when you realize it's already noon and he's only had one nap so far.

It's great to know that I'm not the only one with this problem though.

[CaedensMama]

This week I have been sitting by his cradle during his naps and went he jolts or starts to wake I place my hand on his chest and shush - patting is too much for him. It also works best when his arms are swaddled. This usually works to get him past the 20, 30 and 45 min mark. He wakes about half the time between 45-60 minutes and is "done" and I cannot get him to go back down. When he passes 45-60 minutes I can usually get another 45-60 minutes with no help. And I can have some me time!  It's this first half that he struggles with. This really blows my "Y" time, but I am hoping by lengthening his naps it will pay off in the long run. When he wakes early and I can see ge is still tired, I try to just hold him quietly or put him in the swing for the next 30 min or so and hopefully at least get him  some quiet time. Sometimes he is wide awake and happy and we just eat and play!
So - that is what we are doing - we'll see how well it works!

[micah'smom]

jennifer and jaqi,

you should look under the "naps" board and see the thread, "general info on pat-shush" or something like that. when my ds was younger i was going frantic and the moderator there, matthewsmommy, answered a lot of my questions on that thread.

sounds like you two are doing great! ultimately i guess there's no quick fix and they just learn to sleep over time. i was so obsessed about ds's sleep that i had to just chill and enjoy these fleeting moments with him.

hang in there!

[Jaqi]

Thanks. I did find that thread the other day, and it helped knowing that there are other moms suffering the same fate (and that they got through it).

Ever since I found out that it's normal for them to cry at bed/nap time, it's been a little bit easier to understand and deal with it. We're also trying to adapt to what fits with our lo and so far we've had some better days.

He still doesn't sleep for very long, but already we're stretching some of his naps to 45 minutes (from 30 minutes), and his feeding times are also being stretched every day by another 5 minutes.

Though reading his sleepy cues are still a bit difficult, we're getting there and hopefully he'll have longer awake periods one of these days.

Thanks for all the advise!