reaching my wits end

[Adamsmum]

I love this board but I'm very overwhelmed and maybe I'm thinking about things too much.  Please tell me if these things are normal, if I'm on the right track, and what to do next because I'm at a loss! 

Adam is a little over 3 months and has been on EASY since about 4 weeks.  Things go pretty smoothly with the eating and activity for the most part but the sleeping thing has always been a struggle.  We are still swaddling and he loves his paci (which I believe he is addicted to but if his arms are pinned he has nothing to soothe with). 

My concerns are that he fights the swaddle but usually give in within minutes.  He used to be able to be put down with his eyes open in the stage 2 area but lately has been more difficult.  I really try to watch for the window and sometimes wonder if I make him sleep too much.  He usually wakes up after 45 min. during nap time and 2-3 times other than his middle of the night feeding during the night.  This is always usually for his paci and most of the time we can get him back to sleep but it's annoying to get up just for this. 

I don't know what is best to do to help him learn to sleep on his own.  Do I pat/shush or PU/PD.  I've barely tried these and he just screams so much that it breaks my heart and I swaddle and stick his paci in.  I don't want to let him CIO but of course most people I talk to here (including my mother) say it's okay and that he is expecting me to come in and I need to break him of it.  Is he still so young that I need to come in and reassure or are these people correct???  I don't want to let him CIO but I also don't want to be a crutch.   

[Adamsmum]

Oops, I meant to put his schedule in case you may see something that is causing these things.  He fluxuates a half hour here there with this. 

Wake - 7:45-8am
E - 8am (ebm - 5 oz)
A
S - 9:15 - 11:15

E - 11:15 (ebm - 5 oz)
A
S - 12:30 - 2:45

E - 2:45 (bf - 20-25min.)
A
S - 4:00 - 5:30

E - 6:00 (bf - 20-25 min.)
A
S - 7:30 - for the night

Feeds at around 3am

stirs for paci at 11:30ish, 2:00am, 4:30am

[branwen]

Hi there!

First off, you are not over-thinking and you are on the right track.

Second, I would ignore people who advise CIO.  There has been a lot of research done and especially during the 6 months of life you cannot spoil a baby too much--by responding to his cries you actually teach your baby trust which leads to greater independence later on.

3 months to 4 months was the HARDEST time for me and my little one.  I went in to the doc and she told me that this was the "newborn to infant" phase where things tend to change a lot. A time increases and they become aware in a difference way.

Do you swaddle and then straight to crib?  If yes, maybe try the swaddle and then rock with him or sing a song while he's awake.  Maybe a longer wind down would help?  He might learn to associate these things with sleep later on.

If he wakes the same time every night it is probably out of habit.  He is still too young for PU/PD...so I would start with shush/pat.  It will be hard in the beginning and it will feel like CIO to you but it isn't to him because you are there and the main difference is you are not abandoning him- as Tracy talks about the trust is not broken because you stay with them.  If you want to wean the paci you can do this as well.  Not too good with advice on that though because my dd would never take one.  Some moms I know let them have it for the wind down part.

Your feed times sound good for this age.  You are clustering?  do you dream feed?

[Adamsmum]

Thank you so much for replying!!  I was worried nobody would. 

Tonight, I've put son in a sleeper and have not swaddled as he is fighting it so much.  He cried for about 5 min. and then I went in, rolled him on his side, shush/pat softly and he fell asleep.    Now, we'll see if this works when he wakes up in the middle of the night.  Should he still need a feed in the middle of the night at this age or is this a habit too?  If not, how should I break that. 

As for the wind down, we have a routine but I'm not sure if it's too much of a prop.  We swaddle (or at least have been) after feed, bath and massage, and sit and rock with music on very softly (sometimes I sing) and within minutes he usually gets heavy eyes and we lay him down with them still somewhat open.  This used to work like a charm but recently he's been fighting the swaddle and not falling asleep easily so we've had to go back in a few more times after laying him down drowsy. 

Will he eventually learn to soothe himself and fall back asleep without the pat/shush and at what point do I go in to do this??  When he first makes a peep or after a few min. of crying???

The past couple of nights he's been going down later so I've been giving one more feed right before we put him down.  I don't usually cluster feed and we've found that if we dream feed it makes him wake up more often in the night???  Is this normal?  Should I persevere with the dream feed in the hopes that it will eventually help him sleep longer??

I'm bracing myself for a long night and I truly appreciate any help or just moral support anyone can offer!

[Adamsmum]

Okay, so last night didn't go as bad as I anticipated.  He did still wake about 2-3 times other than his feed but with minimal pat/shush he went back to sleep.  Now todays naptimes have been a different story.   We put him down for his morning nap in his onesie with a blanket around his legs and he fussed, I went in pat/shush and it worked.  However he woke 45 min. later and would NOT go back to sleep.  I pat/shushed, eventually rocked and held him but he would not have it.  He fussed for a while until we were close to his next feeding and I just bf him.  He was happy after that and I tried to start his nap a little sooner.  He still would have none of it and was so worn out that I eventually caved and swaddled him.  He resisted for a few minutes but finally fell asleep and has been out for a while. 

How can I persevere with the pat/shush and not get concerned when he is just so worn out and still screaming his head off.  It's so unnerving and my husband and I feel weak. 

[branwen]

Hang in there!  You're doing great and so is your lo!! Don't worry there will be set backs.  It is not unusual for the baby to resist after initially accepting.  It is also not unusual for the baby to cry to the point of exhaustion, but remember you are with him. 

Your wind down for night sounds great.  Tracy does say to keep swaddling as long as possible, however, I did also abandon it early because my dd simply wanted to be sprawled out.  You can also try a sleep sack or bag.  It provides a snug feeling but the baby can still move around.

Since you are breastfeeding he probably still needs that 3 am feed.  Look towards 4 months for ending that feed.  What does he weigh?  After you get pat/shush in place you can experiment with ending it- e.g. by trying to pat/shush him back to sleep at that time, but I'd hold off for a bit why you are sleep training.

Do you have a wind down for naps? Something that you do before every nap is great but is also different from the bed time routine. For the naps you did great not giving in until the next feed but try to keep him in his crib- you can pick him up if he is hysterical and pat/shush on your shoulder- but when calm lay him back down.   For naps keep going until the next feed.

I know the crying is so hard!  Please know that he just crying because he doesn't understand, he is frustrated and it is different from what he is used to.  you are not hurting him, you are giving him the skills to sleep independently in the future

Also- yes, do not go in at first peep- wait to see if he will resettle.  If the cry escalates go in but give him a few minutes.  Babies often wake at the 45 min mark but put themselves back to sleep in 5 to 10 min.  Mom's rush in- oh boy I did- and startle the baby who was sort of still asleep :? Let him do his thing but go in when your mommy instincts kick in.

[Adamsmum]

Okay, I've been trying the Aussie swaddle for the past couple of days and nights and it seems to be hit or miss on if this is really helping or not.  I know he definitely likes his arms up but he fights me even worse if I hold him or rock him before putting him down in the crib.  So, I've just been swaddling and laying him in the crib. 

Here is the confusing part, his morning naps are usually great.  He goes down with almost no pat/shush and sleeps for 2 hrs in the morning and about 2 1/2 in the early afternoon.  His later afternoon nap has been no more than 45 min. and he wakes up screaming.  It has been impossible for me to lengthen it at this point.  Today when this happened (after almost 30 min. of pat/shush) I just turned his little night light on, unraveled his arms and left the room.  He started just making cooing noises so close to his feeding I got him up and he was fine.  So . . . does this mean that I just need to let him catnap in the later afternoon until bedtime???  I went ahead and put him down again for another 45 min. (screamed for about 5 min. and fell asleep immediately with pat/shush) nap until I know he'll wake where then I will bath, feed, massage and then to bed. 

Oh, and I've let him cry when he's woken up and he just gets worse and worse to where I eventually go in and pat/shush and put in the paci.  This usually calms him right down.  Should I wait even longer to see if he settles?  Could he be expecting me to come and should I try and break this?

[GG]

Branwen has given you some great advice and you yourself are doing great!!   

If he doesn't settle after a few minutes (or if the crying escalates) don't let him keep crying when he wakes up.  If he wakes crying it usually means that he's tired or that he's hungry but it could also just be a call for you to go get him (remember, that's the main way babies communicate).  Some babies don't need more than a catnap.  As long as he's not crabby during the timeframe before bedtime, then there's no problem.

Dreamfeeds made my lo wake up more in the night, too, so it's not that weird.  The 3 AM feed at his age is perfectly normal, especially since he is being bf.

Otherwise, I think his schedule looks great!  Keep up the great work!