How to encourage independent play?

[daveandstine]

My lo is 8 months and has recently become very difficult to keep happy during activity times.  He has not been content to play on his own and wants me there to entertain him constantly.  He was never like that before and I'm not sure what to do.  I love to play with him and cuddle and read together and go on walks, but I want him to be able to play on the floor or in his playpen while I do dishes or fold laundry.  I guess I'm not sure if this is a power struggle or if he just really needs me right now for some reason. I've tried putting him where he can see me and also where he can't and it doesn't seem to make a difference - he just cries.  If I let him cry a bit he sometimes will play intermittantly, but I haven't been able to get more than 5 or 10 minutes out of him.  He used to play happily for 10 -30 minutes without me intervening.  Does anyone have any advice? Should I let him cry a bit (he can get pretty worked up if I let him) or rescue him? How can I re-train him to enjoy independent play?

[Samanthas mum]

Oh my word I am experiencing exactly the same thing with my 8.5 month old. If I was going to write a post I would have written what you have put word for word!!!

I have been relating it to separation anxiety which normally occurs between 7 and 9 months. What I am worried about is ensuring that if this is just a phase she is going through I don't intervene too much and cause her to lose her ability to play independently altogether.

Over the last couple of days I have tried not intervening if my dd gets fussy and then either reassured her or in the nicest possible way ignored her. If I do this she will normally settle back and play on her own for a while. My DH actually suggested this as he was of the opinion that if I intervened everytime she would just learn that whining got attention.

Sounds a bit harsh in some ways but I think he has a point. She knows I am there so she is never on her own but I have to say I do find it difficult not to intervene if she is whining. If she gets upset or starts crying however then I am straight in there.

Therefore I would also be grateful to anyone who has any suggestions

[daveandstine]

I had a bit of luck today with putting him in the porta-crib outside.  He cried for several minutes, but then began watching airplanes and playing with toys. He did whine some, but when he didn't see me, he'd just go back to playing.  I'm not sure what I'll do when the weather gets colder or rainy, but for now this helped. I'm still looking for help with knowing whether to let him cry for a bit or whether he may need the reassurance of my presence. Anyone?

[Luisasmum]

I have been putting my 9 month old daughter (spirited one day, textbook the next) in the playpen, playing with her for a couple of minutes and leaving. She whinges after about 5 minutes and I ignore it. She eventually stops and I get about 5 more minutes of peace and then she goes mad. Sometimes I sing to her which helps.

I usually manage to get her to stay for about 15 minutes total in the playpen. I also have a baby walker which she plays in for about 10 minutes every day and I put her in her jolly jumper for about 15 minutes a day. She could stay in her walker forever but I don't really like the idea. I also let her crawl around while I do stuff which she will hapily do for ages. She follows me everywhere!

My SIL assures me that as they get older, they can amuse themselves for longer. I wait patiently!

[NKmommy]

I have the same problem with my 10 mos old.  He seems to be fine if we are out or spending time at someone else's house, where he is entertained with new toys, new people, etc.  But at home, he sometimes cries the second I put him on the carpet to play. 

If it has only been a couple minutes and he is whiny or fussy, I just stay near him and reassure him that he is okay, but I go on with folding clothes or doing dishes.  Every couple minutes, I just smile at him and say "you're all right, mommy is just working now." 

It is really tough with a whiny kiddo!  If you have other ideas, I would love to tag on to this thread...   

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone,

Can I just shed abit of info here.  You are absolutely right.. it often is sep anxiety BUT it is also about the developmentla phase of building the attachment.  In their first year of life they are learning about security and building a significant attachment to a main caregiver (which does not mean the only 'caregiver') and it is REALLY important to respond to their needs.

It is a TOTAL fallacy to think that if you respond to their crying then they will learn to whine or cry to get attention.  Their whining or crying has a VERY specific purpose.. which is to communicate their need to you the ONLY way they know how... which is crying etc.  To 'ignore' this communcation you are actually potentially setting up the dynamic where they will be more needy of your attention as they get older.  Evidence and research suggests that the MORE you respond to their needs the less 'clingy' and 'insecure' they will be.

Further to this, through communicating their need, they are learning that they are actually worthwhile and this helps build their self-esteem.  When you respond to this communication, they are getting valuable feedback and they will use this as a 'base' to a) 'explore the world' as they get older because they have been provided with a secure base and b) they are valued people who will feel valued when they are older.

PLEASE don't put them into a play pen and expect to 're-train' them... as you are defeating the purpose of the important developmental phase.  For those who doubt this, there is alot of evidence/research which explains this and by thinking that they wil learn to get your attention through crying is essentially putting the label on them that they are 'manipulating' the situation... which I assure you... they have NO manipulating potential AT ALL at this age.  To suggest that they can manipulate or learn to get your attention at this age is an adult perception.  They can only learn more about how their environment reacts when they themselves have self awareness and this developmental phase does NOT happen until they are MUCH OLDER.

What I suggest you do is respond when they are needing you.. i.e. crying or whining.. and let them play independently when they are happy to.  Yes you do have other things to do, but this phase does not last long and it's too important to ignore and to risky to put a good secure attachment at risk, and by responding they will grow up more independent if you respond to them more NOW!

Cheers
Ted

[Nikki~Nathan&Danielle]

Thanks Teddy!  Just to add, when my ds was 8mths I found it a really trying time because of the same things you're all experiencing.  I discovered it was was a lot easier to get down on the ground with my ds and play with him on the floor than putting us both through the stress of this phase by removing myself - I did try to do most of our interaction on the ground with him (rather than carrying him around) if he was happy with that (and generally he was), when I felt he was ready I'd start to do a few things for a minute or two and took the lead from him.  For us it lasted about a month, but peaked for about one week.  I basically put the "house" on hold to spend the time with Nathan to get us through the worst of it .  He is very independent little player now - but the clinging does still come and go as they learn and develop.

[NKmommy]

Nikki and Teddy, you guys have really good points.  I think there is a thin line between not responding appropriately, and building their independence.  This is what Tracy says about independent play:

For 6 to 9 mos:
"This is the age when children first see a connection between their own behavior and a subsequent chain of events and when bad patterns are easily reinforced.  When parents tell me that their child of six to nine months cries to be picked up after five or ten minutes of activity, I say, "Well, don't pick her up."  Otherwise, you're teaching her that when I make this noise, Mum picks me up.  It's not that your child is thinking, Oh, I know how to wrap Mum around my little pinky.  She's not consciously manipulating you... at least not yet.  Instead of rushing to pick her up, sit next to her and reassure her, "Hey, hey, hey, it's okay.  I'm right here.  You can play on your own."  Distract her with a squeaky toy or a jack-in-the-box."

She goes on to say that you should make sure the crying/whining is not from something else, like overstimulation, and if it is, address that immediately. 

I guess I feel that by allowing him to whine if I am nearby encouraging him, I am teaching him to play indepenently while still being there for support and praise.   Just as I teach him to sleep on his own but still am there for support, I do the same for playtime.  Much of the day, I am by his side interacting with him, but at times, (for example, while I fold clothes), it is important that he be able to calmly play on his own, with smiles and praise from mom.  And it is my goal to teach him how to do that. 

I totally respect everyone's opinion on this though.  I think you need to do what seems right for each kiddo.

[Anonymous]

Hi Sheila,

When you said

For 6 to 9 mos:
"This is the age when children first see a connection between their own behavior and a subsequent chain of events and when bad patterns are easily reinforced.

This is just not the case and give you very clear examples as to why it is not!  Sorry... but on this one MANY experts would not agree.  They simply DO NOT see the connection between their "own behavior and a subsequent chain of events" because they are not even AWARE of their own behaviour at this age.  Yes... you can respond in different ways and if sitting next to them helps them be calmer then do it... but if they are still unhappy, then you need to respond to them differently, but the important thing is to LISTEN to what they NEED rather than what a book tells you to do because this is an important part on their development.

Cheers
Ted

[evanskimberley]

Sheila, did you get that quote form tracey's book, which one?

[NKmommy]

Yup, that is written in BWSAYP, page 86.

I can definitely see both points of view.  I think it is really important to use your knowledge of your individual child to decide what is appropriate.

 

[NKmommy]

Teddy,
I TOTALLY agree with you that most studies show that not responding to a baby's needs can cause serious separation, social, and emotional damage.  I absolutely believe that if a baby cries, a parent must respond. 

However, I disagree with you about the studies of infants awareness of their actions.  Most studies show that infant develop understanding of causal effect between 4 and 7 mos.  By this age, they understand that their crying leads to a specific outcome, being picked up, fed, changed, etc.  And of course, we want this!  The baby has to have a way to communicate needs.

As far as independent play, I am definitely not saying that a parent should allow a baby to cry in a playpen.  What I am saying is that it is perfectly fine to coach a baby through independent play.  If he or she is whiny, and you have eliminated other possible causes of crying, I think it is fine to sit by the baby, show them how to play, and use your voice and calm demeanor to assure him/her.   I think it is similar to how we coach a baby to sleep on his own with BW techniques. 

But like I said, I think that every baby is different.  The temperment of some babies would require a different approach by the parent.

I hope I am not coming on too strong!  Just enjoying a healthy debate...      

[evanskimberley]

Yes I agree with you Sheila, and if that is how you want o bring your child up the great.
Can we please remember that we come on this site because we believe in what Tracy says and want to practise what she preaches so to speak. Sometimes we may not agree with what others are doing but that doesn't make them wrong. I hope I'm not being out of line here and jumping in where I'm not wanted but this is a BW site and if someone is following Tracey's advice then that should be good, not a bad thing. :?

[Anonymous]

Sheila, in the interests of a healthy debate  :lol:  :wink:  and yes this is the BW website but just for clarification.  It is believed by many experts that you simply cannot spoil a baby particularly in the first 12 months.  When you say that a baby learns causal effect between 4 and 7 months this is just not the case,  because what you are essentially saying is that the baby has learnt through cognitive reasoning that if they cry they will get picked up or whatever.  Yes... the baby instinctively knows to cry (because of physiological and emotional requirements) to get his/her needs met but they have not associated or connected or even have the ability to think "I will cry and therefore I will get what I want which is to be picked up and to get the attention".  They do NOT have cognitive reasoning at this age and 'self awareness' does not happen UNTIL they have reached the developmental phase of 'self awareness' which does not happen until they are MUCH OLDER.

To think you can 'train' a baby to play independently is incorrect for many reasons, one of which is they are simply NOT manipulating you and are simply expressing their need.  My concern about 'training' them into independent play rather than following their natural lead and responding to their cues is how they are learning to perceive their own 'communication' cues.

They will begin to play independently later and they will do it more willingly if you respond to them now.  Whereas if you don't respond to them now, you will probably have a more 'clingy' baby/toddler later.  For example when a child has gone up to their caregiver/mum etc and wanted a hug and the mum has said don't be silly go and play.  The mum genuinely thinks they are encouraging independent play here but what is happening is the baby/child is believing that they don't have a secure base to explore from because their 'security' may or may not be there if they 'need' it (because the mum has placed their own adult interpretation on their child's particular need at that time and responded as above and not followed the child's need and responded accordingly).  Whereas if the mum picks them up and gives them a hug, they will WANT to go off and explore things KNOWING and UNDERSTANDING that they have security should they need it (which tends to be less because they inherently know that it is there and therefore not require it).

I am very happy to continue this dicussion in private if you want to PM me because as it has been suggested this is a BW website  .

Cheers
Ted

[evanskimberley]

Please don't think that I've muscled in and ruined a thread, sorry about my interuption!

Teddy, now you've explained a little more i do actually agree with what you are saying. i was taking issue more with the way it sounded like you were discounting what Tracey had said in her book. i didn't mean to offend or upset anyone