How to encourage independent play?

[NKmommy]

Sheila.. studying attachment theory etc

I love Ainsworth and attachment theory, sooo interesting.  I feel like I am back at work - so nice to be able to have "grown-up" talk for a few minutes a day.    :wink:

[Anonymous]

Kimberely, I am pleased things are working for you abit more.  Try not to be concerned that she was once 'independent' and is now abit more 'clingy'.  This is just a part of the attachment process and her gaining security and it will change.  I understand it's frustrating for you but changing your response was a great idea and it will help her build that security and trust! 

Sheila...  :lol:  yes it is really interesting hey and it's nice to chat with someone who also thinks that!

Cheers
Ted

[evanskimberley]

Yes and it is working, i noticed yesterday that she was spending longer times amusing herself, which was lovely to see. I think she learns so much form those times, when she becomes a little explorer! You can see her mind ticking over, thinking, now how does this work, what do I have to do here. It's lovely to see, esp when sh'es worked it out and comes to show me!

[mdpereyra]

Wow, there's a lot to this topic... I was going to pitch in saying that my 6 month old has been this way for ever!  He's just not the type that sits there, amused by his toys... he wants mommy or daddy to entertain him... and I can tell you, I've put my house on hold for too long... I've been putting him in his pen to play, but all he wants is something else.. I don't know what he wants, but I've been there all the time, even if I let him cry a bit just to see what happens.  I'm pretty desperate since he does this EVERY time... I put him down to play and he goes ballistic!  He's 6 months old, what do you guys suggest?

[Anonymous]

Can you please tell me abit more about his sleep habit's?  How he has gone to sleep?  What happens when he wakes at night?  Does he go to day care or anything else?  Anything that you can tell me based on his day to day activities and how he behaves.

Cheers
Ted

[mattandcindy]

Wow! How did I miss this one for sooo long!
What an interesting "debate" for lack of a better term.
My almost 8 month old is going through this as well.
Ted, a personal question-Do you have any kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes.... why do you ask?

[mattandcindy]

Oh, it all just sounded so "academic". I didn't mean to offend.
I have run across some who dish out tons of advice (on these boards even) and don't have any kids. Not that I think people without kids don't have good advice (I used to be one of those people), it was just that I didn't see anything in your posts about "personal experience".
Have you found that following the attachment parenting principles have helped your kids to become independent (appropriate for their age) as they have gotten older?
Sorry if you have already gone over this, I didn't have time to read everything you wrote on attachment parenting.

[Katet]

I just wanted to add something from my personal experience... Firstly Teddy has helped me ALOT.
when my ds#1 (now 26mo) was 5mo, my ds was treated for pancreatic cancer, he had major abdominal surgery & a almost 3week hosp stay then was bed ridden for another 3 weeks (off work for 4months) I had to go back to work when Aiden was 6.5mo & when I was at home I had to care for dh & Aiden. I spent much of that time also suffering from PPD. I had little family support so Aiden had to go into childcare. Now when Aiden needed me most I could not give him the time he needed & all the advice/help I was given with his sleep problems (many) was based around CC (I didn't know BW then), so he was "doubley abandoned my me.
Aiden can in recent months play independently BUT it took a lot of effort & one on one time  & also he has a much stronger bond to his father, who as he got better was able to sit beside him & interact in the 2nd half of his 1st year.
We still have lots of issues & he takes a long time to trust people & so is almost impossible for me to even go to the toilet if we are at other peoples places. So take it from me... if you can give the time DO, you never get those times back & it is much much harder to fix it later !

[Anonymous]

Firstly Teddy has helped me ALOT.

  Awww thanks Kate!  I am also pleased to hear that your lo is out of hosp etc .

 

Have you found that following the attachment parenting principles have helped your kids to become independent (appropriate for their age) as they have gotten older?

MattandCindy - in answer to your question above.  No offense taken. I tend not to give personal examples because I am a really private person  .

In all honesty... you would need to describe what you would define as 'attachment parenting' principles.  To gain a secure attachment I personally do not believe you need to follow co-sleeping, carrying your baby in a front pack for alot of the time, or BFing until they are toddlers.  I DO believe however (and research also identifies this) that responding sensitively to your babies needs as being of major importance to gain a good attachment.  Depending on the type of attachment they have depends on how they interact with others later in life and their confidence in other people and themselves.

I certainly would not provide any research or practical advice if I didn't know it worked!    So.... yes.  You may need to be more specific.

I will give you an example that I have used on thos board.  I have been working with a mum of 2 1/2 year old twins.  She used CC, CIO etc and found that one of her twins would not sleep.  She even smacked her  :cry: .  After observing and chatting with her I needed to devise a plan to create a secure attachment.  If other people watched this interaction of how one of the twins was behaving, then they probably would have described her as being 'naughty' but in actuality she was behaving anxiously.  After getting her mum to ly down beside her when she went to sleep at night (at the beginning) and go directly to her when she woke (she was waking 8 times a night and not being responded to and had been doing so for months), she then only woke about 3 times that night.  After a week of going to sleep with her at the beginning of the night (in the 2 1/2 year old's bed), she was sleeping through the night and was going to bed happily.  We then progressively began to move her out of the room.  What happened initially, when her mother began to ly down with her was that her dd BECAME clingy during the day (different from what was happening before... as prior to this she was very independent).  This new development was normal as this was part of the attachment which she didn't have as part of her development.  Her mother was a little bit anxious about this at the beginning and wondered if she was going to continue having a clingy toddler, but once explained, she relaxed into it and provided the 'need' for her dd.  Her daughter is now MUCh happier, happily independent rather than anxiously independent and enjoy's going to bed.

Cheers
Ted

[mdpereyra]

Can you please tell me abit more about his sleep habit's?  How he has gone to sleep?  What happens when he wakes at night?  Does he go to day care or anything else?  Anything that you can tell me based on his day to day activities and how he behaves.

Cheers
Ted

Ted: I don't know if you wree asking me this, but I will answer anyways

Well, he's kind of an E.A.S.Y. baby, so he gets up in the morning, I feed him his bottle (he's taking less milk these days, I don't know why - I guess he likes solids better). Then he stays in his play pen for a while, but he's learned to turn and roll over for a while now, so he goes on his tummy (after he's been in his pen or on the play mat) and starts whining and rubbing his face against the play mat or the playpan floor, he raises his but and tries to crawl.  I think he's frustrated because he can't crawl.  Then when I see he doesn't react to our "what's the matters" and our constant pick up and put downs, then it's time for a nap.  So, if he's very tired, I can just put him in his cot and he'll fall asleep, otherwise I pick him, sing to him or pat his but and he will fall asleep in no time.  At night he doesn't really wake up that much, but he does sometimes, specially now that he's teething.  Well, I just pop his pacifier back in and he goes back to sleep.  He doesn't go to daycare yet.

I've noticed that toys don't amuse him as much as baby food jar lids for example.. or a spoon to bang on his high chair... stuff like that.  He likes that make noise, so music's good for him.  He used to like stuffed animals to suck on, now he doesn't anymore... he's more of a noise baby.  However, he may play for 10-15 minutes and then he will be tired about it.  I really don't know how to keep him entertained.  It's not like I could give him crayons and a piece of paper to draw on.  YKWIM?

Thanks in advance

[Anonymous]

Hi Dani,

I just wanted to let you know that I have not forgotten you and will come back to you asap. 

Cheers
Ted

[NKmommy]

Hi Dani,
It sounds like your little guy is going through a lot of developmental changes right now (the sitting, rolling over, trying to crawl, teething etc)!  Hang in there!  Those times are really tough as eating and sleeping can be thrown off. 

10-15 minutes of play is excellent for a 6 mos old.  At that age, there attention span is a mere couple minutes, so he is right on target.  And that is wonderful that he is more interested in real life "stuff" than baby toys to play with.  He is exploring his world, and learning a ton from it.  If he seems to be tactile and auditory, maybe try getting books with different textures for him to touch.  Or search the house for materials that make noise, like crinkly pieces of plastic or paper (with supervision    ). 

Does it seem like he is fussy when he is in the play pen?  Maybe ditch the play pen for a while, and use new materials and toys to interact with him.  Also, it could be that he gets easily overstimulated, and would benefit from just some cuddly quiet time.

If he is going through a phase where he is fussy whether he is on the ground with toys OR being held, then my advice is to hang in there!  He is still trying to figure out his own needs, especially with his developmental changes.

You are doing a great job!   :wink:

[evanskimberley]

How about putting him in the play pen when your're not busy to show him that its not a place where he gets 'abandoned'. Don't mean this in a nasty way, I know why your'e trying to use it, but think about how he may feel. If you sit with him when he's in there and teach him that its a fun place to be then he may get used to it again.
How about doing chores whilst he's in the high chair? I did that at this age, DD was occupied enough by being fascinated by what mummy was doing. The massve plus point is that they can see what you are doing.
Even now if she's having a touchy day, she'll freak out if I'm preparing dinner on the counter and she can't see!!!

[mdpereyra]

Thanks Sheila and Kim... you have no idea of how nice is to hear you sat I'm doing a good job.  It seemed all I was doing was wrong!  I will try to involve him more buy putting him more in his highchair, although I do that now that he doesn't like his playpen.  THANK YOU LADIES