I'm not quite the expert on this that many of the mom's are, but I don't stay in the room if my lo isn't crying. I leave and just listen for her, if she's just "fussing" I leave her go, but if she cries, that's when I intervene. I found that if she wasn't crying but I was doing the pat/sh thing, it just stimulated her and she couldn't fall asleep. It may take her 20 minutes to fall asleep, but she can do so quietly and I think it's fine to let them settle themselves if they're not crying.